Weatherman

[Lauren.]

Weatherman

Lightning is slight when compared to his thunder
Inducing the scars as the hailstorm descends
AS the forecast decays into nothingness under
Umbrellas of heartache still making amends

The Weatherman strikes when it least is expected
Protected by flimsy shells, broken defense
He leaves pain, internal, that can't be detected
Except by the heart that bears crumpled pretense

Reigning, his rain burns the soul yet unscathed
Raising Hell and high water, untamed elements
And the snow will subside if you simply behave
Comply or the cruelest of fates will commence

Eyes shrouded by clouds, apathetic they wait
AS the sun is expelled from the grief-shaken sky
they realize some day, but by then it's too late
Nothing remains but the time racing by

As the screen fades to black
...The temperature drops...
......And he's left you frozen......

[Lauren.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...99#post5520599
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...13#post5520613

[sILLable]

pretty creative...i liked tha rhyme scheme...it was different.....wordplay and vocab was tight...i liked tha complexity of this piece....flowed smoothly....real intricate.....i liked tha whole piece aside from tha fact that it was short..keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[vocabz]

just a bit short, but wordplay was definitely on track. and the vocab, was nice, too. it had a smooth flow to it. but i agree with Treazon, it was too short. maybe next time come with a lil something longer, good flow, though.

[Lauren.]

thanks, idk I like short things cuz I like to see how much feeling I can fit into a small amount of words, kind alike imagist poetry lol, but thanks for the feed

[Tragedian.]

This was nice, glad to see you back we we're going to collab, your best part of this piece was the flow, it was smooth and easy to read, fit in perfectly with your vocab and structre, your emotion was strong but I feel you didn't come as creative as you could've with the topic, all in all good drop, keep up. hit an OM in the sig please.

[vocabz]

please, i just dont want you to take it the wrong way. i really like your style of writing, and i plan on reading more from you. if you can RTF, on my Open Mic piece. I would highly appreciate it. and once again, this was incredible, even if its short.

[Lauren.]

I wasn't taking it the wrong way lol, I was just saying why it was short

[P. Mortuus]

Okay the break has affected you a bit...but yeah i liked this..this should be in PS though it might not get as much comments it's written very well in poetic terms and seems much more poetically fluent than om flowing. Nonetheless, the concept behind it was good but like you had said, whilst reading it can be seen this was a topic by which you were inspired and which then maybe compelled you to write this piece as to use that inspiration in a positive way. Overall, a good comeback..hope you will carry on with your writing no doubt.

The things you can add now would be to open your writing more to an audience, meaning this piece had a lot of stuff that was more in your mind than the audiences..nothing to major though..plus you could add some lenght to the body and overall, make more use of imagery. Other than that, stay up^.

When possible:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327168

[The Vortex]

wata gwan shorty

nice opening lines i was feelingn thoose str8 up....jumped str8 into the imagery..
the words just seemed to really roll on point


vocab was nicely used I reckon. good use of internal rhymes as well gave the piece some real flow f'sho


yeah the piece diddnt drop off at any point for me so yeag was an original approach i like the way you put this piece. vocab and everything was there..... imagery was once again Nice


smooth poetry


check my piece when you've time

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326351