Slums

[Sean Phan]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326955
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326972


Needles over by the basketball court/
mommas and dads, not watchin kids, y they snort/
Parents lookin for the quicks fixs/
Oldest sibling sick of it, So know he starts dealing shit/
Parents start to ask him, eventually pockets sum/
this ain't fiction, this life in a slum/
where a fiends is catchin headaches for being sober/
grown women, do anything for the high even if its bendin' over/
Lil kids gettin thrown in da trash/
Hoes on the block showin ass, gettin pimped slapped for cash/
where cops catch dope boys on the bust/
alleways, crack-heads catch a rush/
u better be real, never keep it slob/
get caught slippin, u gettin robbed/
This is also, a place of great minds and knoweldge/
where the few achive from ball and make it 2 college/
the few seeds who wanna do something in life/
Elevate above niggaz hate, cuz they know they doin it right/
the place of great stories, place of sad failures/
place of salvation, if used correctly its motivation/
i wouldn't change it from the crack, cops, or the bums/
cuz truth i'm motivated to make it out the slums...............

[urban legendz]

Okay okay...well lets see here, the topic like I heard said in another piece is kind've repetative, when using a topi like this your have to com pretty damn ccreative with it and the topic is so general you could've done anyhing with it, but you choses the formal so I can't really give you, much on the originality tip, but this was ok, I promise Iif you follow my instrucions you'll drop good next time and get back good and quality feedbacck from other folks, i'm only doing this because I like your style kid you have potential to do so much more.

I need you to stop with the [//] I already know your used to doingit from the previous site you were on trust meit's unessisary and only will hender critics from giving you good feedback, you had anlo of wwording problems and for everyline you start dont leave that line till you explained described every single thing possible, from the way they act, look, smell, taste lol w/e just keep in miind the five sences whn describing, your line length is major, it effects your organization and thats a critical part of being organized fam, make each line for now no longer than 10 words, and how many words you started with in your first line, make sure all the other lines have no more than 2 words more or less.

There's alot more of tthiis you can learn in the area on this site called Help Desk it an be located on the index of this site then from there goto Tutorials they hav valuabl advise they're that an help you aalot in the long run.

[urban legendz]

Plese leave Quality feed on thhis link fam

[M'Fresh]

wow... memento porps on the feedback... yea I would say that title is a lil too broad and overused... the last thing you want to do is take a broad stereotypical "pop" word and use it as your title to a song when u want to be original... good lookin tho, stay up and elevate

[M'Fresh]

If you could give the feedback luv... it would be much appreciated...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326783 good lookin once again...