Third Times A Charm

[Forum]

Twice Is Nice....But A Third Times A Charm!

You used to shed light upon sight now darkness
Spark's when I'm apart with the heart's limps
Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
lost magic she question's where the passion went
Print's left on promiscuous doorknobs
Usually Whore jobs easing the pain
With more bob's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Hit's! blind sided by loves forsaken twist
All because of me and my persuasiveness
Loyal to my own naked bliss emotionally
Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this thesis for your reasons
And my pleasing as pleasure's increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading
Her heart beat has took a beating suffering lesions
Thumping only in slow sporadic seasons
Bump......................Bump..................Bu mp
Fixation without treatment
Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
past leavens perceived by what she's seeing
Adulterated situation of her only meaning
To like beings weighed down by lonely deamons
Left quite for the right reasons Hething
All he thinks about is him achieving
And the fact that you believed him
He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponochio
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in itself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...


She say's nothing..drops the ring..shuts the door...and never returns...

[Forum]

Linkage

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326371
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325847

[Floyd Powell]

This Was A Dope Piece. The Vocab, And Most Of All... Im Reading The Shxt Feeling It And I Get To The End... A Picture. Your Creativity Was Good Bro Keep It Up. -One-

[KayBori]

Twice Is Nice....But A Third Times A Charm!

You used to shed light upon sight now darkness
Spark's when I'm apart with the heart's limps
Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
Turned grim hint you wont learn them
Print's left on premicuious doorknobs
Usually Hore jobs easing the pain
With more bobb's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Even hacked me on some flagrent shit
All because of me and my persuasiveness
Loyal to my own naked bliss emotionally
Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this theses for your liking
And my pleasing pleasure increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading
Her heart beat has took a beating
Thumps only in slow sparatic seasons
Bump......................Bump..................Bu mp
Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
Coming to realization of what's she's seeing
Adultrated situation of her only meaning
To lifes gleaming weighed down by life's deamons
Left quite for the right reasons Hething
All he thinks about is him achieving
And the fact that you believed him
He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in intself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...


She say's nothing..drops the ring..shuts the door...and never returns...

i love the turn it takes in the middle
your imagry is like a picture
and I felt your emotions
you took time to think about this one and it shows thru ur execution which was flawless
the story is not orginal but you make it unique
also easy to follow after the main transtion
good job keep ups !

[Engivale]

Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
Turned grim hint you wont learn them
Print's left on premicuious doorknobs
Usually Hore jobs easing the pain
With more bobb's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Even hacked me on some flagrent shit
All because of me and my persuasiveness

This seemed a little rushed. It's the sore point in the flow of this piece, you really seemed to lose sight of what u were trying to do with this continuous flow, and kind of forgot the rhyme it a couple of times. You would succeed on an internal line, but then it wouldn't really come together right.

Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this thesis for your liking
And my pleasing pleasure increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading

Again, you do a good job, but you forget that syllable sound "liking" and don't ever get back to it... it leaves the verse a little hobbled. Can be easily fixed by attention to wordchoice.

Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
Coming to realization of what's she's seeing
Adultrated situation of her only meaning
To lifes gleaming weighed down by life's deamons

It's good until, again, at the last line, you use life twice to describe life, and you really need to rethink that line... Plus, "life's gleaming" is a little vague. You also forgot to include the sound of the word "only" in your last line, which gives the flow a bit more of a choppy feel.

He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in intself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...

That part, I want to commend you on, it's the strongest part of the verse and you seemed to want to write that part the most. Just work on some wording problems to get your flow to that perfect point, and don't be too abstract with the metaphors, it loses the reader.

[Forum]

Thanks Eng...I took youre advice,,,and revised it...I think I caught what you were talking about..

[Donald Trump]

i'm going to start of by saying overall this was good but you should change the font because there were some words i had to highlight with my mouse so the can be readable i prefer you use tahoma it allows your words to be readable and its looks pretty darn decent as well. Now onto your verse the vocab was really however i didnt notice were there was a word that wasn't used correctly make sure you know the complete meaning to a word because sometimes people tend to use them in the wrong manner. this flowed smoothly i really didnt see any imagery until the i saw the picture and then all the imagery you made started to make sense. there was plenty of emotion but your closer was great overall i enjoyed this verse just look into the things i told you about

[P. Mortuus]

I'm pretty sure i have already talked about this and how much i liked it. I liked your rhyming in this and the direction you had taken but i did say you should have polished and correcte it before presenting it to open mic..i had decided that if properly polished this was a sure fire nomination from myself as i had enjoyed the piece and it was the first in a while i ahd read without feeling any drag-on system na mean. I still reckon it could have been brushed up more, no doubt though a good piece..Stay up^.

[Impulse.]

This was a simple piece, but nice. You worked the flow well, and all your vocabulary seemed to flow along with it, which was nice to see. Multies were present, and that was a great flaw also. The imagery was there, and the depth of emotion you tryed to portray, was executed wonderfully.

Congratulations on a well written piece, I'll be looking forward to seeing some work by you in the near future

RTF on "Cloistered, Confined, Convinced".

Peace and Cheers.

[Nique.]

Edit in with response.

[The Vortex]

yeah this had some good imagery ideas. there were a few off putting points here and there. people already spoke some shit about that though i guess so i wont bother
the font is a bit small and fucked up for me im my half-blind state. but yrah i struggled on.....
soo all in all to be tight i say this was well formatted decent piece


peace

[Evolve]

Overall this was a pretty nice piece. There were a few problems with flow and your sylabols being a little off... but it was still a good read none the less. Keep it up.

[Forum]

thanks for the feed to all...If I haven't hit you're pieces already I'll...RTF...soon..

[Leonidas]

Good piece. Vocabulary was on point and good, and your structure was pleasing to read and looked professional. Overall, i liked this . I liked the way you flowed throughout the piece with short lines, many people try the short lines and cannot make it sound right, but you did a great job at it. The story was good, and this piece just shows why you excell in this field of writing.

[Relli_Mak]

*Claps*
Liked it 2 da fullest...deep imagery and very nice word usage...(know how I am w/ meaningful words)...I like the structure u had, made it flow very well...although I'm not a topical head, it's always good to see a well written piece with alot of emotion into it...u cumn up quick, joe...well, only thing negative I can say is that u had like 1 or two mispelled words...other than that...solid...