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Thread: Sweet Nothings

  1. February 7th, 2007, 06:58 PM #1
    P. Mortuus
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    Sweet Nothings

    As the world turns
    my reflection gets colder
    a heart full of worms
    hanging on thin solder
    a drowning boat
    floating on a boulder
    the boulder sinks
    taking a martyred soldier
    screaming sweet nonsense
    clutching on a folder
    “Confidential”……
    Don’t say I ever told ya
    foaming out my mouth
    infected by society
    built a 3rd story on my house
    Wolf blew it away entirely
    The 3 pigs ran
    then manufactured in piety
    Sufi sings disparagingly
    shadow the shadow behind me
    So I let her dream
    Demean a relation so clean
    Cleaner then a doctor--
    operating by many means
    steaming like I’ve got a spleen
    A temper- why don’t you---
    remember to control the member
    Lodged in your cranium
    Sharp like magnesium
    brain floating on helium
    Squeaky voiced sneakily poised
    To sing like a fiend with choice
    Of his drugs—his coke carbonated
    Carbonated?...na it’s purely donated
    By selfish means…
    I’ll get some dollars
    corroding these beings


    Last edited by P. Mortuus; February 8th, 2007 at 01:33 PM
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  2. February 7th, 2007, 07:07 PM #2
    Shadow_Lion
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    is this how you wanted me to have my structure?...I don't write like that...
    But overall this had great imagery...metaphors were on point...and the point cam through sharp in the end...good write...stay up...Humble as always...SW

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  3. February 7th, 2007, 07:08 PM #3
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Thank...nope i hardly use this kind of structure myself, it was a different take...you need to shorten your lines..not this much but quite a bit


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...32#post5492632
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...40#post5492640
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  4. February 7th, 2007, 07:10 PM #4
    Shadow_Lion
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    my lines read through...sorta of a constant thought...
    ex...the wind is blowing on end...and I'm rowing again...to paddle to battle my sins...

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  5. February 7th, 2007, 07:11 PM #5
    Shadow_Lion
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    I break up bars when I rap but in poetry I let the words flow...and leak through the paper...lol...you know? maybe it's just a bit harder to read...never had someone complain(criticize) my structure before...but again I will think about it...and no prob...I like reading...inspiration comes from many places...

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  6. February 7th, 2007, 07:12 PM #6
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Yup you've got a good attitude and staying here will imporve your ability.
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  7. February 7th, 2007, 07:14 PM #7
    Shadow_Lion
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    ..thank you..and I look foward to reading more from you and getting more criticizm...

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  8. February 7th, 2007, 08:18 PM #8
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    No doubt.
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  9. February 8th, 2007, 01:33 PM #9
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Bumpy Knuckles^
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  10. February 8th, 2007, 01:57 PM #10
    Messiah.
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Hmm...Something different from you this Baron but yeh i liked it...Liked the short lines which some people wont but anyways...liked the impact the piece had it read quite simple but inforced quite well if you understand me?...lol...i liked the vocab and grammar and i thought the rhymescheme was tight my man overall a good job. Stay up.

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  11. February 8th, 2007, 04:37 PM #11
    3rdWorld
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    i liked this. it was a good piece
    it flowed consistantly and the rhymes were consistent and obviously some thought went into this good work... people could learn alot from you i think lol, well i do er time i read one ov ur pieces... anyway i didnt liked the end i think it finnished to abruptly na mean?

    "ill get some dollars
    Corroding these beings"


    i think that was too sudden na mean?

    neway good piece, propz
    The 45corperations
    Mos' Def' Soldiers
    Southern Blood
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  12. February 8th, 2007, 04:56 PM #12
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Yup it did end abruptly lol..it would have carried on otherwise
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  13. February 8th, 2007, 05:05 PM #13
    Client
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    yea haha this was good like usuall from you but know collab with me before I kick you

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    IJL
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  14. February 9th, 2007, 02:11 PM #14
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    lol aight
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  15. February 10th, 2007, 01:13 PM #15
    P. Mortuus
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    Re: Sweet Nothings

    Bump.
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