"1984" SS peice.

[GrimmyReaps]

"1984"


the date May 18, 1984, thats the day my life turned poor
everything once so bright, but now the lights are no more
my heart and soul took away so quick, in just one night
my wife, who always gave her all, was thanked with her life
her compassion was rife, kind heart, she wouldnt hurt a soul
but death came and she lost her own,now her memory is a mear hole
murdered with no remorse, 10 shots, more than what it took for her death
so whe layed there,pop after pop, on the wake of her last breath
mumbled her dying words, "i love you, and i always stayed true"
rumors of infidelity,and lust had twice ventured through
dismissed, but the thought still wondered around in my head
now regretfull that i had once wished her to be dead
now,muderous feelings inside me towards the feind that hurt her
revenge through gods hands, comes soon from the sin of murder
but that takes to long, i want him to quickly hear his fat girls song
cuz when she sings its all over, and all i want is for him to be gone
emotions showing, weeping from night to day
why? why? did this have to become such a dreadful may
crys of woe trapped in my distorted mind,once so kind
but now good and bad memories, erratically intertwined
oh so confused, cant determine fake and reality
everything seems like lies, bent to go away from normality
"could this be a dream?" i ask myself, from the truth i blind myself
"she's just at work.", glancing at her picture on the shelf
suicide seems like the only reasionable thing to do
my heart never to be mended, that i already knew
my life feels so blue, this is not the me i once veiwed,i changed
when my wife was took out of my life,filled with strife, i became deranged
now i feel estranged, and unwanted, my life seems like its already over
my body must meet my soul, loaded gun to my mind, because its in rover
ending my life with one quick pull,ending the suffering,all the pain
my life filled with troubles,nothing to gain,shoot then i just relax
i tryed to refrain my crazy thoughts but ther to hard to contain
did this all on impulse,my mind on one course not thinking of the impact
all the people left behind, i dont care im reacquainted with my love
spend the rest of 1984 and are lifes together,and thats what im thinking of.


the man that murdered the women was never found,
the man and wife were burried side by side,
in the First Presbyterian Church in Knoxville TN,
to stay with each other forever,

R.I.P.
Judy & Ken Bourmer

[GrimmyReaps]

links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324626
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324626

[Rico The Chico]

that was some deep shit, you have good storytellin' skills, i should keep makin' stuff like this that tells a story

[GrimmyReaps]

upin

[P. Mortuus]

PRetty good..not the best rhyming i'v seen from you but more consistant than your usual stuff, which is a good sign in my opinion. The mainn story was quite good with the emotions and at times a deeper message lloked like it was edgin out from within the main branch of the piece. However, i reckon it wasn't unique...a sad sotry in wyas bnut it never had that uniqeness or style that comes from a particular writer...like if i read this i couldn't say..yeah that Grims style of writing...a bit generic at times with the rhymes as well. Overall, it was a good piece but can be better as i beleive that your ability can surpass the stage thats being represented by this piece..Stay up^.

[GrimmyReaps]

yea fo sure it u know that really isnt like my usual style i was trying to make it more like a actually letter. but tks for the feed pak.

[GrimmyReaps]

ups

[GrimmyReaps]

ups

[FrOsTy G]

bro the flow def. was hot........I was feeling this peice it accually had a story.....its hard to find that now a days......

" "i love you, and i always stayed true"
rumors of infidelity,and lust had twice ventured through
dismissed".........

^^^this bar here stood out......as a whole this was pretty good I give it a ........7/10

[StoOoOne420]

the rhyming was rank good... but good enof for me to reply... u told a mad story... i luv rhymes like this... u got mad potential... keep it up

[GrimmyReaps]

tks up.

[Maven.]

True story? If so, then I can't really critique your storyline choices, but if you made it up, then I will.
Wtf @ the suicide man? Everyone writes about suicide...it just comes across as so common. I know it's near and dear to the heart of anyone who experiences a great loss, but it just seems to cheapen the piece's creativity if you resort to such a base reaction...
Anyways, this piece was one of the better ones I've read from you. Your biggest issue is flow, though. It seems like you're thinking in regular sentences when writing your verses...but in normal conversation we use a lot of superfluous words that damage flow when trying to write poetry or rap. Look at your lines and think about the way you phrase certain bars that seem too long, or seem to disrupt the flow. Then, either rephrase them or removes superfluous words. Basically, make lines as emotive as you can without overstating them-say what you want to say and no more.
Also, you seem to place vocab in for the sake of vocab. Using big words at random points just makes it look like you're writing with a dictionary beside you. Either up the overall level of writing and use better vocabulary throughout the piece, or keep it simple. If you write a piece simply and then throw in words like "erratically intertwined" it just seems like the words are coming out of someone else's mouth and undermines the writing style.

Overall though, this piece was a step up from what i usually see from you. Just some things to keep in mind.
Keep dropping em and I'll keep reading em.

[GrimmyReaps]

1 more time for this to