Last edited by Warming; January 28th, 2007 at 12:45 PM
IJL
Sins of the Father
Infant
Born, life began as it does for many others
Torn from a womb and relinquished to a mother
Diminutive but for a voice
Sworn to hasten my growth through gurgles and stutters
The morning saw us snuggled under the covers
The angels in heaven rejoiced
Who can appreciate
If I emerged with a clean slate
The inviolate the sacrosanct
Hardly left my family giving thanks
I did all my chores, I cleaned my plate
Raced home from school to her warm embrace
Stayed my hand from children’s pranks
Praised the lord and walked in Grace.
Young Adult
My eyes mist as I reminisce
Bent to her brow for one last kiss
Twist erect to straightened spine
Clasping cuffs and feel the jacket bind
Coarsened by the grains of time
Briskly stride away and strain to find
Portents and hope, omens and signs
To dismiss my aches to the divine
Young Man
Life delves and fashions its cruel symmetry
Church took me in, away from my misery
Six years pass and I’m put out for the ministry
Preach constructs and jot in calligraphy
Quick to siphon sins or sip some gin
I decipher hymns on enlightened whims
Absorb ‘em with a porous skin
To revel in spirits’ soaring spins
And grimly watch the righteous thin
Aged
I search for truth in solitude
A hip flask lashed to bottled doom
Life ebbs away in throbbing moods
Content just months inside the womb
I’ve kept distant from my father
One never knew
And one never bothered
Once I was cleansed in sacred waters
But I always shared my fathers’ coffers
Last edited by Warming; January 28th, 2007 at 12:48 PM
IJL
This peice was odd, couldn't relate much... but it was origional & if you worked on it more could be a powerfull peice. Nice creativity.
WoW...... not bad at all but no relations 2 it...........
men will be men
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BARZ Tryouts-
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just click the B which is situated toward the top of the page you're writing on, after you have highlighted the areas you want in bold.
I don't really understand this, you showed a great use of vocab & a complex but easily-followed rhyme scheme, but the whole story & what went with it through me off a little. Certain things left me confused, maybe Im just dumb & blind to what you meant right now lol, but I think you could use a little work on the storytelling aspect of the piece. I got the whole dark, narrative meaning of it though, you used some strong wordplay & certain words that I dont often see here on RB, if I've ever seen them used in poetry at all. I liked this man, from the way you worded it & how it was written, I just couldn't follow it as far as I wanted to.
Just keep writing, man, what's gonna come will come naturally, just let it flow.
Good Luck, Mr. Christopher Goggins.
Check my piece & return some feed please?
thanks
all quality feed will be returned
IJL
...yeaaaaaaaa
IJL
This wasn't bad. I felt the progression from infant to aged. It was difficult to really follow tho. That's fine for an abstract piece though in my opinion. don't ever try too hard to over-explain shit if you get feedback on this saying that it wasn't understood. Ryhming was fairly solid throughout. No category really shined imo but you had enough of each to make it a worthy read.
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