Howling to a Concrete Moon

[Pious]

The following is based upon a true story.

A young girl devoid of hope was
destined to skip rope
while the wolves held a hard
pose, ready to elope with
a cut throat and tonsils exposed
as she cried wolf!

Instead she pries the police who
dig elbow deep in core
values deflowered but the
trash was abscent to the scent so foul!
and the wolves didn't howl.
They just watch and sit
licking their lips as the
owl's head turns a complete
180 degrees 'cause in the darkness they see...
...The disbelief!

Here the owls perch and hoot as
the wolves scoot closer to eavesdrop in
on their squaking chirps
that would do her in!
So she retracted her factless statements and a
wolf lowered its nose
picking up the scent of resentment,
they'll close in...
ready to take their cuts after another
eight months when she's fattened up!

[flashback]

A preacher of romantic shit
spit as her room stayed candle-lit with
the aroma of incense
burning bliss.
She kneeled to kiss the tip of life -
...creating another prototype...
He dodged the kiss and slid
between her hips...
while all the while he ignored the clit!

She thought she'd be a whore for it 'cause
other girls won't experiment
..then the news came...
..and she didnt know to handle it!
"WOLF!"

The wolves hadnt heard their call
until now, licking their lips
until no one's around and
the owls will hoot the same wanton
tune, while the girl cries wolf
to a concrete moon.



This is a story about a grade 11 girl in my school who claimed to have been raped in the washroom during school. Police were called in and detectives did a thorough investigation - going throw garbages looking for evidence, fingerprinting, and taking photos of the roped off bathroom. To everyone's surprise, the girl admitted three days later that she made it all up. Her reason was because he boyfriend got her pregnant and she didn't want him to know that the kid was his. Shit's fucked up.

Sorry I couldn't take the time to put this in any cool font or anything - I'm tired as fuck. Therefore, links coming tommorrow after school.

.. two links to have this reopened.

- Atty

[mr_puti]

dass deep thats wats up i like it its tuff sun

[Atti]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...6#post546 0586

[Pious]

yah.............................

[Diversity.]

im out

[Pious]

thanks for the feed............................

[Pious]

up, leave links........................

[Warming]

hmmm saw you in the mag so wanted to check this out

you have a pretty unique flow
sometimes you rhyme too many words without a natural pause or slowdown, this is very evident in the first stanza

also you might want to reorder some of your lines to make your flow easier for the reader to follow example: have wanton tune and concrete moon end their own line
while you'll probably figure it out reading aloud this enables the reader to move through the material much quicker

A preacher of romantic shit
spit as her room stayed candle-lit with
the aroma of incense
burning bliss.
She kneeled to kiss the tip of life -
...creating another prototype...
He dodged the kiss and slid
between her hips...
while all the while he ignored the clit!

this section was much easier to follow

contentwise you were decent with snapshot, flashback, recap and a clear story (because of the explanation)

keep at it
and hit up one of my OMS with some feed