Equality

[StoOoOne420]

wut ever happen to equal rights
now just to get ur voice heard u gotta start some fights
shiit ppl died so we cud all b one
but so many ppl look at one another like we aint, hun
wut happen to bein proud of how far this land has gone
now its like its all over n done
ppl look right thru equality like its some kind of joke
laugh wen ppl mention it n just take another toke
we need to keep remembering wut ppl went thru so we cud b free
fuck y cant ppl just see

So now the world is tryin to take my space, diminish my place
It don't matter if ya black or white cuz we one race, one face
Take whats ours cuz they took it before
Now homies wonderin why we ain't stayin alive anymore
Cuz we be killin each others fathers and brothers
Watch as young teenage girls become crazy adolescent mothers
We say we know the dangers but are we fully aware??
That young kids have H.I.V now are we fully prepared??
To fight World War 3 it has to start in our own nations
Deal with teenage pregnancies, drug abuse, murder, and discrimination
Then maybe we will have the education to make our nations safer
Cuz we sayin we will do it but the shits just writin on paper
So for now God hear me now cuz im about to cry
Tell me why another young souldja has to die
Another mother loses her child, its sick, I'm about to hurl
So for now God hear me scream F**K THE WORLD!!!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...57#post5444057

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...65#post5444065

[Forum]

This was a pretty deceint piece...just some advice...In OM you wanna stay away from the short spellings and grammatical errors to even be recognized as a true writer...when ppl read your piece's they should be under the impression that they are reading a true piece of literature....so it should be presented as such...the overall content was good...just went about posting it all wrong with no structure...just take heed to that and maybe read lesson and rules in writing good OM's...for a lil elevation...and RTF...pls...

[Issue]

The first verse, imo, was very simple. The rhymes seemed to just flow, which I guess is good when its listened to, but to read you need vocabulary & I didnt think yours was especially good on this verse. You rapidly picked it up on the second, & I noticed some good ideas. You need a bit of practise, but you do have potential as a good writer.

[StoOoOne420]

ccch i aint tryin b a writer... i jus wanna make a record n show ppl wut i got... so it dont matter how i type it... its how i type... u shudnt b worrying about how its presented u shud b lookin for how it wud sound lol

[Issue]

No, son, if the word is written all I can do is read it. Only when its said I'll hear it. If you want someone to express how they feel about something like that, try audio not Open Mic.

& check out mine, return the feedback.

[Witty]

you still haven't left feed on my piece

[IsRael]

you need some work your structure was fucked, not to mention your topic was a bit cliche so was the content your vocabulary needed some work not to mention you lacked in complexity all I could really say is that you need to elevate, you had alot of grammer mistakes and the presentation was bad you need to take your time and get organised, because battling like this will get you whored, try using spell check befor dropping a verse alright. no hate, str8 real.

try not to talk shit to the vets on the site because honestly there whats keeping ish moving around here disrespecting them in any form shape or fashon is a no no, especially if they know what they're talking about.

hit up my links in my sig honestly.

[J. Butler]

It was not very good at all, you made a bunch of words just to rhyme, did not make good rhymes, and you had been so focused on how you messed up with rhymes the message didn't go across, you really could use work, sorry to sound harsh. 1/10

[StoOoOne420]

ccch fuck u all... i dont care if my grammar is fucked... deal w/ it... n i like my rhyme so fuck u all!

[J. Butler]

Yeah, nice try. If you like it it doesn't matter, you think we are bad? Try and do it for a living, you will get shot faster then 50, but you won't survive the 9 bullets.

[Tebo]

I think it was good, if your delivering a message you could make it sound as good as a 3 yr old.... as long as you deliver the message. I liked it..

[Forum]

ccch i aint tryin b a writer... i jus wanna make a record n show ppl wut i got... so it dont matter how i type it... its how i type... u shudnt b worrying about how its presented u shud b lookin for how it wud sound lol

That just goes to show that you wouldn't make it far in the music business....not perfecting your craft will really affect your ability to deliver and present well...so WTF @ your imaturity .....and your vocab has no range....you're to basic to even became a top artist if even a artist at all....lol

[Mc Demolish]

Its Good.....GOOD
You Couldve Complexed The rhymes More And Increase Your Vocab......
I Love The Cocept Thats Ill
You Put Good Thoughts On That And U Had A Nice Finish
But u Need More Metaphores Similies And More POetic Values To make It More Interestin

PEACE N PROPS

[Issue]

Lmfao.


Oh dear lord, what happened to this forum? (That wasn't a shot at the piece as I've already said my part, but the Feedback is ridiculous, & the writers reaction is priceless.)

[StoOoOne420]

? um... k lol
this was an old one... but i think i have gotten better since this one... but ook lol
n i aint tryin b a top artist as i JUSsaid