In The Middle of the Night

[Forum]

Shoving the knife in her patite frame as my anger enraged these actions
I awaken horrified as she screams out "another bad dream honey " as I grasped the sweaty mattress
the danger of these dreams are becoming a reality especially when reoccuring rapid
I have to get rid of this feeling of guilt and already know why this is happening

It was 11:59 In the middle of the night and that vodka sure wasn't helping the situation
As I thought about what was about to happen and how the murder was premeditated
This dream is what I've schemed up as things seem to come between us dreamers
We lack the intensity to carry the density of this relationship now bringing my dream up
.
Shoving the knife into her petite frame as my anger enraged these actions
.
The slow steps and slight breaths I took as I crept to her bed and upward went the knife
Seconds ticked as her life came closer to a closure and my composure changed as I'd striked
I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed as I began to breakout in this murderous laugh
figuring I'd murder her for the reason of life's drags and the fact that I couldn't murder my past
I was a mad man from this marriage and life of conspicious relationship's and cheating
She played a bad hand as we stood decked out not aware of our love depleting
Are these reasons verifiable to murder one's wife and get away with the crime
No but who cares I don't want to get away with the murder I expect to do time
The bloody room's smell wretched it may be by all means the seen of these acts in solitude
Are enough to bring tears to the eyes of those who'd have to follow through
The blood ran down the edge of the bed as I rubbed her head and said my goodbyes
Alone I am now just me and the fact that I've lead her demise

Why did I commit this horendious murder to my wife I thought about that for a while
Fore it wasn't her fault she could not bear a child or she chose to expose her denial
The reason for these actions were not mine to figure out...I am as confused as you
I am only the man in the dream who was sent here to do what it was he had to do

After murdering his wife he fled town and was soon captured by authorities and sentenced to 32 yrs in prision.
Her family asked for a apology and before he could even explain to their asking.

all he said was...........................

"In The Middle of The Night I dreamed It Happened"

.. two links to have this reopened.

- Atty

[Atti]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...020#post5419020
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321651

[Da Patriot]

tight

[Forum]

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[Truth Iscariot]

the imagery grasped me right from the start begining this as a dream was different and immediatly pulled me in for a second i thought this was gonna be hack and slash but it came accross as the thoughts of a man that saw nothing wrong with what he had done even seemed calm as he did the crime this was a very good display of talent the way you embodied the main character in this story was amazing

[Forum]

appreciate the feed. now to the top

[Forum]

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[Forum]

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[Evolve]

You should try leaving feedback to some pieces and you might get some in return, rather than having to up your piece so much.

[Forum]

I do leave feed...but seem to get none in return so it is what it is...

[Evolve]

LOL.. wow.. Ok.

[Nahlidge]

First of all. Ur lines are WAY too long lol. That shit kills me personally. In a lot of the lines there was 20+ syllables. It`s not needed. But is the result of bein` too wordy. You can say just as much if not more in less words. The wordin` of some of the lines hurt it too.

The slow steps and slight breaths I took as I crept to her bed and upward went the knife
-the "upward went the knife" merked me.

Why did I commit this horendious murder to my wife I thought about that for a while
-"murder to my wife" sounds childish. There`s other ways you could`ve said the same thing with a lot better wording.

After murdering his wife he fled town and was soon captured by authorities and sentenced to 32 yrs in prision.
-this line was like 30+ syllables lol. Wayyy too much for one line.

This dream is what I've schemed up as things seem to come between us dreamers
-This line had dope rhyme scheme tho. Why couldn`t you have more like that?

I wasn`t a fan of the endin` really. Could have been pulled off a lot better if you thought it out more. Keep workin` at it.

[Evolve]

Gotta agree with Nah... Lines are a lil too long. Personally i really dont care about structure (as you can see by my pieces) but the lines were honsetly a little too long. The thing i like the most was the imagery. Had the lines been a little shorter, i would have been able to enjoy it a little more. All in all... it was a decent drop.

[Forum]

Thanks for the honest feed...I appreciate it....and this was kinda of a quick key...didn't really sit down and think it out just kinda typed it up as I thought....but I did think the lines were a bit long...but as I read them...I didn't think so....

[NiNjah Red]

yeah not bad on this one.thing that messed it up was the flow as you done know anyway.coz i seen you flow properly already.so you know what to do. had some cool imagery ideas all the same so did have some entertaining features here and there...............



and its NOT that you can't use lomg lines.- its just that you have to craft long linres with some good internal rhymes and possibly wordplay on the inners to keep the line going and make sure its worded to fit
i guess if are gonna use long lines then at least make them consistant to some sort of pattern



pz1