A suicidal mind

[Richard Parker]

Thought he was gangsta, so he made sure his trouble was cruel
Which is the main reason that he struggled through school
Smoking & drinking, pretending it was because he's open to thinking
But all the while avoiding life, his mindstate broken & sinking
Joking & winking to friends when anyone suggested he change
But this refusal to accept it made him stressed in exchange
He wasn't depressed or ashamed - But considering, he should've been
some of ya'll think this proved he was strong, this was good of him
really he's denying the truth, depriving himself of a chance
A suicidal mindstate, the one that prevented help in advance
Looked at himself at a glance, saw a man who was classy & fly
Living life to the fullest. But really, life was passing him by
It wasn't only his habits, but what they caused him to miss
Because life's responsibilities refused to pause for his bliss
I said you need a reality check. On him, this saying was lost
Bought an expensive car, knowing the problem was paying it off
So all his money went towards it. Couldn't afford it but hell
he showed it off, bragging like he was born to excel
I had to watch him go through this, I was torn from my shell
Age 13, knew when he was smoking, warned from the smell
Under the impression that it was a terrible habit -

I grew up, and found it wasn't so bad...

[Engivale]

Haha, nice ending... a cool piece here, feeble, fluid as hell and cool. Just felt like you were talking to me, it wasn't wrapped in any pretentious bullshit or unneccesary metaphors or abstract imagery, you just straight told your story, which I love. Rhyming was damn good, too, so good to where you couldn't even really pay attention to it because the meter was so natural. Nicely done.

Be nice to see you in SS, remember to try and maybe seperate some paragraph breaks or center something, or whatever, to impress the kids, otherwise they get lost in the awesome-ness =D

[Amor Jones]

GOD DAMN FEEBLE THIS SHYT WAS HELLA NICE.

It wasn't only his habits, but what they caused him to miss
Because life's responsibilities refused to pause for his bliss
I said you need a reality check. On him, this saying was lost
Bought an expensive car, knowing the problem was paying it off
So all his money went towards it. Couldn't afford it but hell
he showed it off, bragging like he was born to excel

Thought he was gangsta, so he made sure his trouble was cruel
Which is the main reason that he struggled through school
Smoking & drinking, pretending it was because he's open to thinking
But all the while avoiding life, his mindstate broken & sinking
Joking & winking to friends when anyone suggested he change
But this refusal to accept it made him stressed in exchange
He wasn't depressed or ashamed - But considering, he should've been
some of ya'll think this proved he was strong, this was good of him
really he's denying the truth, depriving himself of a chance
A suicidal mindstate, the one that prevented help in advance

those were my favorite parts. everything was dope n it. crazy hot

[Atti]

.. links feebs?

[Ink Edible]

I liked the third person prespective...Good choice...Content was kool...But the standout was def the multis throughout, it really made the scheme fluent and kept me entertained...Good Ish...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322182

[Dyl]

okay feebs I don't really like most of the OM's you write.There have been few that i've liked, but for some reason I liked this.Jut the way it was layed out and I thought you did a very good job on bringing us through the strory.As said already, you didn't fill the piece with useless metas but instead you just said it how it is which I have not seen here in \om for a long time.This was a soild drop.Props to you on his.

-Dyl

[Richard Parker]

Be nice to see you in SS, remember to try and maybe seperate some paragraph breaks or center something, or whatever, to impress the kids, otherwise they get lost in the awesome-ness =D

rofl... I haven't slept since too long ago, and when I laughed at that, my head started spinning

[Evolve]

You Suck Newbie!!!!!

[Richard Parker]

*dead*

You were prolly wondering why I left that shit in your battle.. I saw you clown on some kid for doing it. He actually meant it as feedback though. rofl

[NiNjah Red]

yeah sup weeble. this a bit short innit.......
rhymes was bit altogether basic.but i guessed worked out well anyway so wahteva da fuck ya know........
flow was as good as can be ....... by any standards....... to be espected after all your years of writing i guess....... if its been years anyway........
had good assonance in - between lines which kept the joint smooth......
excelent use of meter also.Tight.........


seemed to me a complex way to break down an otherwise simple tale.


1

[Partee]

I liked it, it seemed alot diffrent from a story like this would be told, everything flowed so easy even wen i switch styles in the middle of reading it, it really was dope... I liked it

[Mackin']

This was a nice piece feeble.. it was short and to the point just the way I like it.. the flow kept me interested..

Smoking & drinking, pretending it was because he's open to thinking
But all the while avoiding life, his mindstate broken & sinking
Joking & winking to friends when anyone suggested he change
But this refusal to accept it made him stressed in exchange

^ great flow.. loved it

Overall nice piece.. I hope to see more OM's by you soon

[Richard Parker]

the reason my vocabulary is kept at a mediocre level is because there's no reason to get any more complicated and lose half of my audience.

holla, thx for replies

[Mackin']

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...95#post5416595

can you drop some feed on this? it's a quicky

[siniztac-51]

Wow...I was really impressed by this. The story was nice. Multis were on point the whole way thru the verse. I particularly enjoyed the ending. The topic is a fairly unique one...and u used it well...

Favorite Part:
"So all his money went towards it. Couldn't afford it but hell
he showed it off, bragging like he was born to excel
I had to watch him go through this, I was torn from my shell
Age 13, knew when he was smoking, warned from the smell
Under the impression that it was a terrible habit -

I grew up, and found it wasn't so bad..."

The ending kinda had a little comical feel to it...which I liked...it felt kinda lighthearted, yet expressive at the same time...to me, that makes it all the more interesting

good shit
8.5/10