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Thread: Dear Death

  1. November 14th, 2006, 11:15 AM #1
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    Dear Death




    Dear Death

    As I gasp sudden breaths before lifes final grasp
    I ask if I pussy out and don't come will you laugh
    I lay grounded back face skyed yearning to rise
    heart pounding as my demise edges closer to flatline
    your time has arrived as I'm deprived and soul dried
    you may let the flesh rest but the soul never dies
    now unclosed eyes I sigh in pure disbelief why
    as I envision the funeral all the black skirts and ties
    I'm already in hell but yet to meet the undertaker
    couldn't be no worse if it happens now or later
    will life become greater amongst this omega
    will I get to meet our father or your savior
    If so don't plug in objects just speed up the process
    and the profits in my will-will go to the projects
    What's worse than Earth's hurt and this pain endured first
    Nothing..............so take me know for what it's worth


    Battles I need closed

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    ___________________
    OMHOF x1
    If I voted in your battle or left feed on your OM plz RTF

    Open Mic's


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  2. November 14th, 2006, 11:16 AM #2
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    Link 1
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...63#post5285763


    Battles I need closed

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    ___________________
    OMHOF x1
    If I voted in your battle or left feed on your OM plz RTF

    Open Mic's


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  3. November 14th, 2006, 11:17 AM #3
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    Link 2
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316198


    Battles I need closed

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    ___________________
    OMHOF x1
    If I voted in your battle or left feed on your OM plz RTF

    Open Mic's


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  4. November 14th, 2006, 12:22 PM #4
    PHiLLYZ00
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    I'm already in hell but yet to meet the undertaker
    couldn't be no worse if it happens now or later
    will life become greater amongst this omega
    will I get to meet our father or your savior

    those are crazy lines
    and that pic is discustingly crazy

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  5. November 14th, 2006, 08:37 PM #5
    ~Mansin~
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    i thought this was a good read, the appraoch wasnt obvious
    though it was kinda short it was still engaging, seemed to
    be an abrupt ending, a sense of hoplesness, which i think
    woorked well with the overall theme, the emotion was ight,
    flow was good, while your word placement i thought was ill
    overall a nice short concise piece...

    keep rippin those scripts...

    if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236
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  6. November 14th, 2006, 09:14 PM #6
    Ja Eazy
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    First off i liked this one..there was some up and there was some downs but overall good,
    I couldnt really see the emotion until half way threw it and u piked up on it pretty good...The flow and structure were good went well wit wat u were tryin to say and point out
    If so don't plug in objects just speed up the process
    and the profits in my will-will go to the projects
    ^ didnt like that line..thought it didnt go wit ur theme all that much like the others did

    heart pounding as my demise edges closer to flatline
    your time has arrived as I'm deprived and soul dried
    ^ i liked that line a lot it came at me quick and saw it easy and made me keep readin

    good job on this one keep writing homie
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  7. November 15th, 2006, 10:41 AM #7
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    bump thanks for the feed!


    Battles I need closed

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    ___________________
    OMHOF x1
    If I voted in your battle or left feed on your OM plz RTF

    Open Mic's


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  8. November 15th, 2006, 08:13 PM #8
    BindTortureKill
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    good piece forum, i had left feedback earlier but i guess i forgot to post it, lol, oops, but yea i was saying how u captured the topic and it made it picture perfect in ur verse how u used ur train of thought to not get derailed. good job, i want to do a piece with u in the future.
    OPEN MIC
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    BATTLES

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  9. November 15th, 2006, 08:25 PM #9
    Killa X
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    I'm already in hell but yet to meet the undertaker
    couldn't be no worse if it happens now or later
    will life become greater amongst this omega
    will I get to meet our father or your savior

    THAT LINE IS THE SHIT!!!!
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  10. November 15th, 2006, 08:36 PM #10
    Wyte
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    short piece, but yea this was alright man, you had god consistancy and yo shit stood out. good vocab and imagery along with everything else...good piece
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  11. November 16th, 2006, 08:40 AM #11
    Ascend
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    Don't have time to leave an extensive review but...

    This was the ISH! Lol.

    You were killin' it with Imagery, flow, vocab. and everything to start out and then a few lines got me kinda 'meh' on it, but as I read on, you finished out strong for an excellent piece. Pretty good meta's too. Check on 'For Tomorrow's Honor'. I need a bump.
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  12. November 16th, 2006, 10:59 AM #12
    Pyrex~ThDopeChef
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    I aagree..this joint was pretty tight...i liked the way you used imagery in this piece and it really captured a fear of death, which i think that everyone has to some extent. You made good p-lels as well, connecting life with death in your own way. We also saw that you are in a bit of pain or have been through some when you said that you were already in hell...keep up the good work...Check out King's Sonnet: A Thesis on Murder...

    Let it snow
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  13. November 16th, 2006, 01:26 PM #13
    B.I.Detained.
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    Surprised here. Piece was pretty dried up and over-used but your rhyming was quite nice. You need to elaborate on what you wanted to put across here rather than.. "I'm dead, I'm already here, so just take me now". You need some substance to make the reader interested.. something that they didn't know was coming or something informative. Just something. Flow was snapping and rhyming was getting good so props on that.
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  14. November 16th, 2006, 05:53 PM #14
    Brasilz Finezt
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    not bad, seems like every 1 write stories or freestyles about death....
    i'm not 2 surprised, however i do like the storyline....
    ya rhymes scheme deliver the story pretty good, u had sum nice lines that make me wanna keep readin....short and sweet, that was all a reader could ask 4....
    i liked these lines the best
    I lay grounded back face skyed yearning to rise
    heart pounding as my demise edges closer to flatline
    your time has arrived as I'm deprived and soul dried
    you may let the flesh rest but the soul never dies
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  15. November 16th, 2006, 08:09 PM #15
    -=HazE=-
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    played topic, but good scheme,imagry such..
    your word choice was not in favor
    your lines hit pretty hard but they were basic
    open up completely to it and text some crazy shit
    stay up
    Open Mic



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    "Steadly Deciding...Thoughts Sowing Deadly weather
    I rip verses apart,Yet my flows pulls them together"
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