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Thread: The Blind Perspective

  1. #1
    Energy in > Ego out
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    The Blind Perspective

    The Blind Perspective



    Abused, confused, he traveled bewildered through his growing years
    Bruised, accused, he graveled forgiveness through unknowing tears
    Fused, misused, amidst the night, darkness slowly consumed his heart
    Suffused, confused, he formed fright, as his cries bloomed impart

    In stealth, in silence, he unlocks the door, and enters the estate
    In health, in violence, he could taste the gore, as his fear began to abate
    The helpless sound of the shower, as he planned to murder his ‘soul mate’
    As he waits amongst the shadows of a scene, perfected to sedate
    The water stops, as she leaves the bathroom, with footsteps irate
    She progresses straight to his bait, as she screams with joy, in a happy state

    She cries his name, “Dave, Dave!” as his presence she now craves
    As she starts searching the household, and waves to an early grave

    He hears her slippers, sights her shadow, and prepares to attack
    As if a snake that slithers, he pounces upon her as she is taken aback
    He’s lost in a trance - *stab stab* - as his conscious turns black
    With one last morbid glance, he grabs the axe and finishes with a hack


    Panicked, scared, he runs to her room, and begins to set the house alight
    Prepared with the match in hand, he stopped, as something caught his sight
    His vision pondered to his bed, and he knew why her happiness was causative
    There lied a pregnancy test, and the result squandered positive

    He realized his objective was, refined infective
    With teary eyes, through a black rose he says goodbye
    …to his blind perspective


    *BANG*

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Beautiful

    No, but honestly I must say this. You have a very nice concept of wording, as seen very well throughout this piece. I like the tonality/mood you set for this piece also, very somber and quiet. I liked the first 4 lines the most, mainly because they were though grabbing/attention grabbing...very intricate there. I can't say much bad abou this piece, because I loved the storyline and although it was short, it was nicely executed...keep writing.

    -Mariah

    PS- PM me for a collab

  4. #4
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    this wasa nice use of words and vocab here...big ups to you for that man..nice asorted metaphors that brok down the story line and emotion that really made it complexed and a very nice read and creative!. you came in a original way which is a good thing, trust me!. you dide a nice job also with your internal and external informaty and rhyme which flowed well and the multies were nice..keep this type of drops coming!.

    return the favor on the link in my sig!
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  5. #5
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    Many thanks for the feed Sylus and Mariah.

    BTW Sylus, are you Clisk by any chance?

  6. #6
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    wow..i liked this piece from begining to the end...really kept me reading...topic was totally original and your fucking internals were incredibly placed here...this is easily the best piece i've seen in OM in a while seriosly...i wish you could've went deeper into detail and made it longer though but eh...this was mos def a must read for all people...nice job here sir.
    plz rtf on my OM with Xplicit talent. thank you. looking forward to more from you.

  7. #7
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    very nice you have deff gotten better just the way the vocab started got me into this peice you barly ever see vocab and rhyming like that i am suprised you could pull it off i was feeling the emotion in this and you we're pretty creative with the topic all though with all that vocab i feel that you want off the topic at points...but good drop nice to see you back keep up.
    Empire

  8. #8
    Hell yeah this was definitely fun to read the multis were sick i love when when sentences top each other and you can just see the rhymes plus a good story rhymes match the story and it all makes sense

  9. #9
    Energy in > Ego out
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    Thanks for all the feed. Uppin.

  10. #10
    Epic Failure
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    this was dope. fam no lie. i liked the pic at the beginning. do u have an alias becuz u write like a vet no life. ur vocab was dope. imagery was doper and metaphors was dope. it wasnt perfect but it was damn close
    T H E D I E N A S T Y


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  11. #11
    Energy in > Ego out
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    Only other account I got is ferocity. and he isnt a vet or even a Flyweight >.< Lol.

    Thanks for the feed man Uppin.

  12. #12
    Is a ninja Lauren.'s Avatar
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    this was dope. I loved the imagery and vocab you used, and you expressed the topic well. This piece was very emotional and felt real to me which not a lot do. At first I wasn't sure what you were writing about, but it was cool how it pieced itself together by the end. The flow was perfect throughout, and the introduction was really well done. This was one of the best I've read in a while

  13. #13
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    Thanks for all the feed people Uppin'

  14. #14
    it was a legit shot at storytelling. your sequence was nice, and the detail let everything stand contectually fluent, however, your excessive multi attempts actually hurt your meter. that first section started off with these complete streams of multi, that, i felt sacravised content for rhyme which is always a bad idea... and then in the rest of the om, you held these long multies again, but somehow they always seemed to fall off at the end of the line by a solitary consinence. i was kind of confused how you could link up such massive multi lines yet miss the most important one. but ya, next time, cut back on some of the rhyming. use a more managable amount and that'll give you more room to play with your content.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  15. #15
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Nice, man, I was really pleased to see this, you did a superb job of making your lines sync up really well rhythmically, which is the first thing I always look for in a piece. It was a simple story and you didn't add much twist to it to surprise the reader or anything, you could see it coming, but it was still such a well worded piece... hard to ignore the effort you put into every line, you didn't force anything, you really wrote this in a well-focused and intricate manner. I loved it, really did, keep up the good work because you're completely fresh to me and I thought that you did a damn good job.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


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