Day Dream.

[Tragedian.]

Dosing off I see the bright white it’s quite a sight
Despite night, feels like I’m in flight yet so right
And I feel so light, plus I’m seeing clouds bright
I love what I’m in wishing I never have done a sin
When do I stop why should I stop what I just begin
This feeling within…I know it’s too real to be true
Even after everything I feel and all I been through
Yet I can float on a floating cloud when allowed
It’s like I’m on a boat trip but with out a crowed
Feels like I’m in a dream, maybe its what it seems
But then I start falling and my heart gives a scream
Now I’m caged in by a wall of fire with no desire
Only the hot sizzling ground for me to now admire
This dream turned to a nightmare now where do I go
Maybe I was day dreaming just to get left down below

[Tragedian.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314502
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313566


this was quick and shit for a battle which is most likly no show.

[Tragedian.]

yeah umm up leave a link.

[..IllThoughtZ..]

This had a very poetic feel to it...very simple yet complex at the same time which is good....structure was flawless and the syllable counts on all the lines were pretty much the same...I think you should've used a little more advanced vocab to give the piece more emotion and life but maybe your intentions werent to do so...i cant say much more about this except it was a nice piece to read...keep it up....

[<Supreme>]

Dosing off I see the bright white it’s quite a sight
Despite night, feels like I’m in flight yet so right
And I feel so light, plus I’m seeing clouds bright

good rhymin there - 10 times in 3 lines...well dun

this piece wasn't brilliant. the rhyming was the main part of it, as the story was rushed. this meant that there wasnt much strong imagery. the concept, altho rushd, was gdish.
in future try to bring in more imagery, but also try to bring in the rhyming as this helps to set a flow

[Enmity.]

This piece was smooth famz. i felt the poetic tone , the way it flowed, with keep going multies . The structure was mos def understable, what made the imagry so clear. also the vocab was okay, but i was really feelin the emotion...good science man

chek the sig...

[.......*]

This was another good read Dj. Like I say everytime some vocab would make you a far better writer. your syllabe's are always pretty much hand and hand. and structure us always good. your ocncepts are as well. just think about expanding your vocab and changing your rhyme scheme up sometimes to add that extra umph to your pieces. good shit though keep it ^

[Jay of AKO]

i like the wordplay, structure is decent, u should maybe put this under poetic section though, you and some other heads could get that poppin, stay up

[Tragedian.]

Thanks.

[ExPlOsIvE]

Yes, I LIked this piece alot coz the flow was nice on it, made it an easier read. the title nice nd the topic nice 2. ur rhyme scheme was nice, liked da beginin lines caught my eye. Vocab wasnt 2 good buh all 2getha it was a nice piece man.
keep it up

peace

[Nastra L]

damn fam.. loving the poetic-essent in this piece keep it up.

[Don Luciano]

This was a good piece.

Had a consistent flow, multies, structure, rhyme scheme and this had a poetic feeling to it.

I also like how you involve pictures with your piece, made it abstract and original.

Nice stuff.

[Jon]

Once agian, you had errors.

Every piece you have errors. You should learn how to get better at the parts you lack, for instance, preschoolish rhymes, just to make it sound good = wack. It might be dope for the people who just read it aloud and hear the flow rather than listen to the content. What you need to do, is read a book or some shit. I'm for real. Make a decent story, with a storyline, a flip, a climax, all that shit. I think for the experiance you have, you should be doing a lot more in the OM section. So if you think I'm harsh, quit topicals, because I'm giving you the truth so you can elevate. That means learn from the pro's like bounce or BTK. Read SS man.

Anyways, keep writing, and leave feed on my piece if you have time.

[Tragedian.]

Thanks.

[NiNjah Red]

yeah pretty Nice po f'sho tho.imagery was crafted well from picture to scripture. and yeah i see you branched out a lil with a couple more thought out rhymes.so that was cool and not missed by me....... rythm and tempo was cool as the content of the piece set the mood and flow........ had some real nice artistic qualities to the piece. short neat & sweet



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