Tears Shade Red...(A Love Story)

[Spoken]

^^
woot!.


iight.
bump.

[NiNjah Red]

yeaH MORE A POETIC PIECE WITH SUCH A RHYME SCHEME.......

end rhymes got a bit off putting to me to a certain extent anyway.....like cpuld of been a bit more adventurous on that tip......^

formating was tite.........fluency and wording was on point to the T............
imagery was warmed up well and became hotter towards the end in sort of build in the suspense / drama/....... internal mechanics was ace as far as i can see...........
had an eery feel to it.was entertaining still

pz

1

[Spoken]

^^
cus the scheme wasnt

aabb homie it was ABAB man...lol
but thanks.

[D. Josey]

Awesome piece my dude. Good flow and overall good vocabulary. I liked the way this was formatted, and it helped the author visualize some of the imagery without overdoing it which is commonly the case. I liked the concept in here, which was different from many OM pieces hitting the threads. Just a good and deep piece man.

[Spoken]

thanks exact for seeing this piece man appreciate it!

[Kalos Graphē]

First thing i have to say is the topic is P.L.A.Y.E.D... i couldnt tell u how many times i've read a piece along the same lines as this one, so not to good on that criteria boys

Forum- All in all you had an ok verse, but im not gonna sit here and congradulate you on all the things you did well, im sure u can decide if u did good on something without me telling you did.. so i'll jus focus on your weaknesses of the piece. 1st: Your structure= All over the place, and it really effected the flow.. especailly when your writing verses in ABAB format, you wanna make sure everything is well structured and flows nicely, because it's really easy to fall off in ABAB, so practice a little more on that.. 2nd: your rhymes: This is mainly to the start of your piece then again at the end, they were too simplistic.... youse more complex words when rhyming, you displayed this in the middle of your verse, but it fell off for the rest of the time... 3rd: Metaphorical Speech: i saw almost none, and that to me was probably your weakest part...it really took from the imagry and creativeness of this piece, which, if metaphors were used, the imagry would have been phenominal.. all in all decent drop like i said.. and remember what i listed above were just the things u could use some work on, you did have very many positive points to your piece aswell.. i just dont c the point in talking bout them

Clisk- you suck...

SYKE.. lol just playing... once again im gonna point out your weaknesses in the hope of your elevation and not waste my time patting you on the back for the things you know you did right.. also i am judging you verse a bit harder than i did to forum because i kno you've been around longer and i kno what you're capable of..

1st: Structure, along with forum's, was all over the place and it really took from your flow, which i have previously stated, is way harder to achieve in an ABAB structure.. flow is an essential part to a piece in my mind because if it has no flow, it effects almost everything else. 2nd: i saw almost no attempts in multis, and i kno you've been doing poetry where the rhyming isnt that important, but when u drop in OM, it is easy to make your piece amazing with the addition of a few multis.. 3rd: improper wording was noticable a few times throughout your piece.. it made it confusing and made me think WHAT?!?! i kno u tried to do it to benefit the rhyme or the flow, but sometimes if it doesnt fit it doesnt fit and ur gonna have to scratch the idea and move on.. and there's no shame in that lol.. all in all u had a good verse though, welcome back to Open Mic.. it's been far too long.

good work u 2.. pc.

[Spoken]

thank you sir...
and yea its nice to be back in OM WORLD!

[Edicius.]

poetic flow - i like it, suits this writing, you started of strong with a nice immagery and it held it strength thru out the second stanza aswell - wich i liked best, but some parts in my opinion are stretched; sometimes far reached.. but nothing big, the whole concept was cool and the way you worked it out was nice aswell - keep writing

one

[Forum]

Thankx all for the feed. agree with you cheez whiz. bump

[Forum]

Feed would be appreciated

[mc pyro.]

this peice was sick as fuck fantastic job with it the topic was original which is always good to see very chilling and memorable as well the vocab was top notch used correctly and not to much but not to little the emotion was deep, twisted, and a little disturbing but in a good way it really helped paint the picture of the story and added to the imagery the flow of it was fine nothing special so maybe work on that a bit the rhyme scheme was interesting and kept me reading i liked how did that same kind of scheme i used in my most recent peice (havent posted it yet) it seemed sometimes you werent interested in rhyming and kinda just went with it which was fine and in my eyes didnt hurt the peice once agian fantastic job keep it up

[Engineer]

this peice was sick as fuck fantastic job with it the topic was original which is always good to see very chilling and memorable as well the vocab was top notch used correctly and not to much but not to little the emotion was deep, twisted, and a little disturbing but in a good way it really helped paint the picture of the story and added to the imagery the flow of it was fine nothing special so maybe work on that a bit the rhyme scheme was interesting and kept me reading i liked how did that same kind of scheme i used in my most recent peice (havent posted it yet) it seemed sometimes you werent interested in rhyming and kinda just went with it which was fine and in my eyes didnt hurt the peice once agian fantastic job keep it up

Relax lmao.

This piece was excellent, and it had its fantastic highs, and its ... "Urghh" lows.

First of all, big up to the both of you for working together in this collab. Many people construct collaborations, but dont actually take the time to focus on the word itself. It's like the saying goes, "A champion team, will always beat a team of champions"

But back to the topic at hand. You guys had great vocabulary and your structure was great. Imagery was pretty basic, and I didnt really get any ideas or pictures in my head, besides the ones that you have posted.

But never-the-less, this was a nice piece, kudos to you guys.

Looking forward to seeing more of your pieces, Peace and Cheers.

[Spoken]

^^
well i have a ton of OM's and POEMS but yea...you will see further work from me sooner than later!.

thanks

[Mariah.]

I don't know if I'm getting why it's excellent.

I think it was a good piece, not amazing/excellent. The wording was the best part of the piece, but the story and title were really uninterestin to me...maybe too emotional and in depth for my liking. The things I did like were the pictures...cool effect...added imagery easier and I also liked the fact that you had the nice structure, but other than that, it seemd very bland and I'm sorry that I don't see it like the others.

-Mariah

[Spoken]

nah its coo people are all held to there own opinion!.

thanks!.