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Thread: A Chained Mind

  1. October 17th, 2006, 10:59 AM #1
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    A Chained Mind



    A Chained MInd

    Memory glands being devoured by your daily routine
    buring away as if the blunt wrap were your years perhaps teens
    entrapped in societies ways as you astray from your true purpose
    thinking otherwise and not knowing truely what lies beneath the surface
    Not noticing the difference between want and need
    As you feed into the materialism and greed
    Barred are your thoughts of productivity
    Riviting the waves as your head sways side 2 side
    only for what you bobb to too be obliged
    somewhat of a hesitation in the advancement of this
    Self-proclamied bling-bling generation
    Unprepared for lifes complations way before they emacipated
    the proclamation or threatend to clean up immagration
    lifes situations could make you grow impatient
    but patience is a virtue yet this is a test from GOD
    not meant to hurt you However you yourself can only
    determine the amount of intake Necessary to break
    this mind state of letting the money make the man
    and not the man make cause when it all boils down
    Chained minds can't escape


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  2. October 17th, 2006, 11:02 AM #2
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312252
    2
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312152


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  3. October 17th, 2006, 11:08 AM #3
    Tragedian.
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    pretty good drop...this was nice and a diffrent read...you had deep emotion and i was feelin it...flow was pretty good...you did something creative with the topic...deff caught my eye...good drop man keep up and check the last om in my sig.
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  4. October 17th, 2006, 11:13 AM #4
    P. Mortuus
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312655
    Some comments on the om link, thanks

    This was aight...i liked the idea but you had a very awkard almost patchy flow and rhymescheme. I believe you based your piece around trying to keep as many inners as possible at parts. But i may be wrong, there were quite a couple of good lines and good ideas but i reckon you couldn't fully pin them. the man money line was good and so was the closing line. However, i would suggest you to try and incorporate more imagery. Bring in more intense description through maybe extra adjectives and try, if possible, to distort your line by abstract metaphors. Basically replace some words with other words and make sure they make sense enough for the reader to get them.
    Overall, good effort just keep improving and testing and you'll find the/your right style...Stay up^.
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  5. October 17th, 2006, 11:18 AM #5
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    appreciate the feed fam's ! RTF @ both in a min....


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    ___________________
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  6. October 17th, 2006, 01:50 PM #6
    Truth Iscariot
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    pretty dope i liked the first four lines alot, nice topic kind of conmspiracy immortal technique thing going on, good structure, the flow was decent but could have been better, you could have used a bit better vocab, and at the end some of it didnt rhyme but then you broke out the multis wwwhich made up

    decent piece

    AI

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  7. October 18th, 2006, 09:47 AM #7
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    Bump


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  8. October 18th, 2006, 12:16 PM #8
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    bump..................feed would be appreciated


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  9. October 18th, 2006, 02:05 PM #9
    Inspiration X
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    "As you feed into the materialism and greed
    Barred are your thoughts of productivity
    Riviting the waves as your head sways side 2 side
    only for what you bobb to too be obliged
    somewhat of a hesitation in the advancement of this
    Self-proclamied bling-bling generation
    Unprepared for lifes complations way before they emacipated"

    Things picked up here..it got better and better as you progressed into the realm itself
    Furthermore I'm glad to see some talented writers on this site..that give me the drive to compete..this was greatness..and should not even be slept on...but all other things aside..this was hot

    1ne
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  10. October 18th, 2006, 02:21 PM #10
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    thankx for the feed itz truely appreciated.


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  11. October 18th, 2006, 05:31 PM #11
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    feed appreciated....................................... ....BUMP


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  12. October 18th, 2006, 05:37 PM #12
    Spoken
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    this wasnt the best so dont expect AMAZING FEED..this was above average yes, but great no...you had some wording flaws and some weird flow that made it kinda funky to read along to..but you did a good job maybe thats yourstyle so enough about that. iight...your vocab was fair but wording some seemed about freestyled like just threw it together and whatever happens happens..lmfao but you had nice concepts ad your grasped the topic fairly and did a nice job with it man...just keep writing and using other styles also try abab instead of aabb ya know....also work on getting the feeling and image out from this piece, write in emotion and not with ideas try that out homi.

    nice drop keep writing!
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  13. October 18th, 2006, 05:40 PM #13
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    Thankx........now that's good feed..I haven't tried the abab structure yet but I will soon. you were right about the freestylish feel I really rushed through it instead of taking my time and getting it done well instead of just good ya know.. but thankx again for the feed. appreciate it .


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  14. October 18th, 2006, 05:43 PM #14
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    Geh, why can't he get amazing feed?

    I mean, it was no legendary drop but I still find it pretty damn good.
    The feeling was there which sufficed for format and left me feeling drawn into the read more and more so good job. Keep up.

    Check 'The Legend of the Madman' I need a bump. =\
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  15. October 18th, 2006, 05:45 PM #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mazerka
    Geh, why can't he get amazing feed?

    I mean, it was no legendary drop but I still find it pretty damn good.
    The feeling was there which sufficed for format and left me feeling drawn into the read more and more so good job. Keep up.

    Check 'The Legend of the Madman' I need a bump. =\

    I appreciate the reality of the feed and agree with how you feel about me getting good feed. I'll RTF.


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