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Thread: Story 2 Tell

  1. #1
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    N.I
    Age
    36
    Posts
    9
    Battle Record
    0-1

    Story 2 Tell

    ''The scene is currently blocked off by the local police, but this neighbourhood is no stranger to mishappinings, this is the 5th crime that has happend here in the last 2 weeks, the neighbourhood speaks for itself''

    a neighbourhood, deprieved of wealth
    those who struggle to survive themselves
    and those who strive for health, they resting in broken dreams
    and where brains are washed an left wit no soap to clean
    where hope is deemed useless, and the estates are ravaged an
    the local toy store is a meeting place for saveges
    a high crime rate and a city filled wit bleak addicts
    where kids play wit dime colored water pistols and reek havoc
    filled wit those who find dirt in they nails when they search for coins
    and only take a knife out they pocket when they want to purchase loins
    where happy thoughts is not desired
    an disfigured faces stare at you until their shots is fired


    'Police have let out news that it is actually a teenager that has commited the crime, altho we dont know what crime has been commited, a note from the teenage has been found, and it is what looks like a suicide note'


    a bright child only dampened wit impediments and speech problems
    a young'n wit high hopes, instead he went and reached bottom
    unaware of the cheap price, he sold his soul to the devil
    like soldiers holdin a rebel, his shoulders cold and un-level,
    hang his head in shame, gets tears on his sleeve
    suicidal thoughts of depression and the fear of the deep
    a stare down with the brain, he goes to win it
    he hears on the street, everyone knows his business
    once a bright child, now the glows diminshed
    approaching boiling point, it shows hes finished
    wont listen to the voices, he doesnt believe the cheats
    in the bed of his birth, there he conceived defeat
    cold hearted, berieved with grief, all routes blocked
    only listens to his head, when the dispute stops
    but a light, inwhich shines a darkened shade
    so dark that all his thoughts start to fade

    ''We have just received even more news that the teenager, is thought to have commited a serious sexual offence against a female, believed to be middle-aged''

    a devious plan, muffled with wickedness
    the media love this stuff they can pick at this
    the time of the month, she bled but who raped her
    she was in the next room as you read the newspaper
    he was a confused lover and chum, wit a bruised mother or mom
    a used rubber wit cum that made him a new brother or son


    ''I now have with me Detecitve Cordieso, who has more details on what happind''

    ''Well i can confirm that we have arrested a teenage boy, with the intention of causing physical and mental harm, through sexual acts to a terrified woman, who also happens to be the mother of the teenager''


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Setting Sail Onward to Maturity.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312649
    The Drug Dealer
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312671

  2. #2
    ....
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    3,847
    Battle Record
    50-30
    Awards 25+ Wins
    ok peice i think it could of been better in a few places but overall ...good and is nice just for the name and the way the flow fell in place so stay at it and


    and check out my opem mic thats in my sig

    called : A Thugs Wish

    Not Another... See Right, Writer, C.W Line
    More Played then Ever..


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  3. #3
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    N.I
    Age
    36
    Posts
    9
    Battle Record
    0-1
    word thanks fo' the feed . . . .ima off to feed ya drop

    uppin fo' mo' feed

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Montreal
    Age
    37
    Posts
    3,428
    Battle Record
    14-7
    decent, but also nothing new. I didn't mind reading it but it was pretty uninspired all around, in terms of the topic, and the writing. If I were you I would think of more creative stuff to write about, doing so will help you write more creatively in a technical fashion. Word.

  5. #5
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    N.I
    Age
    36
    Posts
    9
    Battle Record
    0-1
    iight coo' yo

    uppin mo' feed

  6. #6
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NC
    Age
    34
    Posts
    12,904
    Battle Record
    14-18
    Awards OM HOF PC HOF
    well i guess it was alright i came beacause of the title but it could have been more creative you had nice flow for such a long ass piece lol you have potenial to do better you had good vocab if you can learn better multis wit that vocab most of the shit you write could be hella dope keep at it and hit up the link in my om if you have time

    AI

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