Unloved.

[Tragedian.]

Filled with rage…like she’s stuck in a locked cage
Hated, because her and her father were never on page
Always wanted the shade of day light kept out of sight
As you looked in her eyes all you could see was fright
Home she was abused, school was even ten times worse
She hated her life, thought of it as just one real bad curse
One day all this anger she hid would burst, did anyone care
No. All thought her life was fair never had any love to share
All she could do…was sit and write every night in her journal
To afraid to stand up and face her problems…hide like a turtle
Only fifteen…thought that she has no reason to go on in life
Thought that no one would even to even one day make her a wife
She was not right…but she thought she truly was deep down inside
Hoping maybe after hiding all this one day life would all be fine
But she wanted to get her shine…and make her life turn for the better
Next mourning her mother walked to her room, on her bed sat a letter
………..
“All you did was treat me like shit and show me away, proved to me I’m unloved
But now maybe without me in your life you’ll see what you love and I’ll be thought of”

Signed…You’re Daughter.

[Tragedian.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312422
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...38#post5205938

[P. Mortuus]

This was an aight piece...there were quite a few errors such as tense error or a plain awkard line. The concept of this was aight and you tckled it in a god way and empotion did show through quite a few lines but one line really bought this pieces quality down na mean

Thought that no one would even to even one day make her a wife

I mean once you re-read that you'll see it doesn't make sense due to probably a typing mistake like you missed a word out or put an extra even in.
Overall, this was an aight piece but could be improved upon. Stay up^ and keep improving.

[Tragedian.]

Blah..lol..Typos..thanks for making that stand out .

Upp.

[~ChIChO~]

gay like the writer

[NSP]

not a bad piece at all, but i must agree with Baron, there were sum shady lines n a few typo's but thats not too bad, you did show through with some emotion in some off your lines, and some didnt make sense due to the typo's, which made it harder to read, just work on it, maybe take 5 mins to check your lines before u post it, just to make sure it makes sense, anhyu keep at it pz

[Tragedian.]

Upp.

[NiNjah Red]

yeah f'sho a tite verse from u dawg....


liked the rhymes in these lines

All she could do…was sit and write every night in her journal
To afraid to stand up and face her problems…hide like a turtle

and the mettaphoric content was most interesting i'd say.....turtle go up in his shell and shit.....ha.coo



i felt you reduced quality wording for sake of format in certain lines.like--


Home she was abused, school was even ten times worse
She hated her life, thought of it as just one real bad curse

back Home she was abused, school was even then ten times worse
She hated her life, always thought of it as just one real bad curse

is how i see it flowing better ya get me bro



shit time almost out.

nice joint bro

pz...