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Thread: 4 Years in the Wind

  1. #1
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    4 Years in the Wind

    "4 years in the wind"


    4 years......through the rain,pain,fights,bumps and bruises
    breaks ups..gurls wantin to get wit me but guess what, look who i'm choosin
    i'm losin, interest,love and infatuation
    my family disagree wit my choice, so now i'm slowly pacin
    but i dont, listen i'm hard headed to the facts
    first time we talked, ya whole family disowned u cause the fact that i was black
    didn't care, we would sneak around just to see each other
    i remember it clear, jv game hugged up.....in sight next was ya mother..
    she threaten, me and my cousin wit words unspoken
    grabbed u by the arm, later that night u told bout the choken
    closed minded to the world, we was young and couldn't help it
    black and white together,explain in racism,trails and tribulations
    put forth effort, it's funny how change settle in
    after u ran away, look who was first for ya parents to start callin
    i knew the facts, and where u was headed......so they knew
    that u wasn't just a fuck, my love i had...was real towards u
    first time i met ya mom, i was shaked at first
    with words in back of my mind,repeatly i hurd from her
    didn't know what to expect, should i run or chat
    the whole fact of the matter was there was no turnin back
    i was scared, yea i admit that but it was nothin
    an the whole racial thing was done wit an ova, so we closed the curtain
    moved on slowly, a year or 2 had passed
    next thing i knew, i was shakin hands wit ya dad
    progressin over the years, brought fights which brung tears
    try to muffle the sound silently,like cotton balls in the ears
    my fears would come reality, u shared ya deepest secrets
    like u being raped,abandon which all lead to mistreatment
    i search to another level, to give u what u need
    u cried tears of joy, cause i was the one to guide u to the light when u couldn't see it
    i labeled u as my angel, pride, joy and heart
    engraved MRL in my arm,even if death do us part
    but the fights slowly took control, of what was left that we had
    the pickiness began to show,even though i never did anything bad
    it was a daily thing, put me in a position to where i choose
    relationship or single life, what do i do?
    u cuttin ur arms, sayin u would kill urself if i leave
    but thats pointless, i stood in shock just watchin ya skin tear and bleed
    3 pills u popped within seconds of each other
    sayin, please dont do this,ur my one and only lover
    u drive off,not knownin what u was gonna do so i had to react
    dail 911,emergency line to reach in contact
    gave a description, ya car model and ur name
    slowly hung up the phone, and began to pray
    hands press together,tears rollin down my face
    5 minutes passed by, an i got a call sayin u was safe
    but it's just a fact i dont want u doin this shit to begin
    so i guess u pushed me to the limit,there goes 4 years in the wind.............


    True Event happened Tonight.......10/29/06
    Last edited by Quest.; September 30th, 2006 at 12:05 PM

  2. #2
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Last edited by Quest.; September 30th, 2006 at 05:24 AM

  3. #3
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    ight lets get some feed up in here

  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    WEll a whole journey down one persons life and in the end the reader does feel the weariness not sue to lenght but due to the experiences of what the character went through. You tied to main issues in this racial and relationships which was good and shows your trying to branch in concepts into your pieces instead of sticking with one. Overall, it was emotional at times but i the reason you've got less replies is due to visual intimidation. Seperate your piece into paragrapsh or verses...break it down and then it would ocme on easier to the eyes. Disregarding that your rhymeschem lost or got loose atpoints which you can work on and you vocabulary hit lows at points which you can easily improve. The slang or dialect was uneeded at points but at others gave the piece character and i reckon if you spend time wisely and write on as much unique topics as you can there is a high chance for you to improve your topical side and get in league with the SS. Stay up^.

  5. #5
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. P GanKsta
    WEll a whole journey down one persons life and in the end the reader does feel the weariness not sue to lenght but due to the experiences of what the character went through. You tied to main issues in this racial and relationships which was good and shows your trying to branch in concepts into your pieces instead of sticking with one. Overall, it was emotional at times but i the reason you've got less replies is due to visual intimidation. Seperate your piece into paragrapsh or verses...break it down and then it would ocme on easier to the eyes. Disregarding that your rhymeschem lost or got loose atpoints which you can work on and you vocabulary hit lows at points which you can easily improve. The slang or dialect was uneeded at points but at others gave the piece character and i reckon if you spend time wisely and write on as much unique topics as you can there is a high chance for you to improve your topical side and get in league with the SS. Stay up^.
    thanx for the pointers pak

  6. #6
    The Topical Juggernaut ITawAPuddyKat's Avatar
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    This was good, but the transaction was kinda meh towards the end, rushed. Ok, the long stretch lines needs to go, while I'm reading it, its wasting my breath and the usage of your comma's are not correct, fix that up. The emotion was here, the Imaginary was there, but your mechanics are kinda messed up. The flow of your verse was ok, but you need to do some polishing with that. The concept was an good idea, but I don't think you really attacked it like you wanted to. Upp your vocabulary, not that much, just use high intelligent vocabs and use them right. Overall, this was an good verse, just that the mechanics of this piece is bleh. Keep writing. Pz.

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