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Thread: "Solo's Cardboard Orchestra"

  1. #1

    "Solo's Cardboard Orchestra"

    Boh boh, bu-bu-bu bah bump bump boh

    He taps the trash cans and plastic tubs,
    double bass harmonics spill along the last hymn sung;
    the music man dances with conductor stick in hand
    while the crowds pile around the rush of simplistic trance.
    Light breathes along the sides of Heineken mic necks
    against silhouettes of a baritone trisect;
    in the intersection he blows his fingers testing
    his throat, warming up by harmonizing in notes

    Do-do-do rey mi dooooo

    Paper towel dowley tuba lays the tune of
    the fifth symphony, he's playing una.
    Two trash lids lift the focal instrument
    as soprano vibrato echoes the increments.
    Maestro plays right by through his lament
    with head high in the boldest content.

    Catered in the sixth octave the orchestrator,
    three blocks in, lifts his arm and starts
    to orate chords as the savor is stopped short...
    as the flicker of a single finger strips form
    from a man who's stamped by liquor and disfigure.
    The notes tumble from a swollen eye
    as the conductor stick wilts under a folded line;
    staffs shatter and ruptured tics pass matter
    and dissipate in the age old pain of social sty.

    The man dies inside; mills off spilling nickels
    and dimes along disappointment: the sidewalk.
    He holds his pride in an old patched hat
    that spills notes along his own in that last pass,
    where dollar bills ran away with rey mi do
    and the masterpiece was cheapened by the green of notes.

    So he mopes off along another end prolonged,
    still holding on to the little that's gone ...
    but a musician isn't assuaded for long
    as he passes a trash can and searches for songs.



    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307189
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308057
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
    wow thanks for the feedback ...
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  3. #3
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    good piece. you displayed a very good amount of musical knowledge, and not just that, but you made them rhyme.. i think you took hte picture a long nicely, most people would have just used a hobo/poverty theme, but you bent the topic at your will, which you do with most of your pieces... nothing is literal to you.. as for the mechanics, the rhyme scheme was good, and the slurring was nice... as well as the innres... definitely straying away from your usual pieces... but you executed this very nicely... hit up "Frozen Tears"

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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    I like the unique scheme used, it reminds me of what common used to do back in his prime when he realeased ressurection. The picture ties up the story ending real good, the story it self was legit, no metaphors used 4 real but the plot of the rhyme came across clean. 7.7/10
    Nefarious Assassin Member
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    Peel your potato like Arriada
    On the day of your death people had candles but couldnt find no lighter

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    This was different but not lower in quality compared to previous works. I liked parts of this mroe than others though maybe for the soul reason of me not being a great technition of musical technicality. However, the way you rhymed this kept me interested and entertained. Furthermore, with the rhymeschem being different the reader has to read each line to keep the rythm flwoing which was good as it keeps the reader attentive. The one thing which was evident here was the usual "talking through imager" style, this whole thing didn't seem literal to me which made it more enjoyable. Plus the title was good also and i liked the ending about finding songs in the bin, overall i liked this, it gave an air of depth to me.

    I'd appreciate if you could check my poem, "Things in Life"
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309501

  6. #6
    sorry it took so long, but i fed that poem.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
    Very nice shit here man... i liked the way you wrote to the picture. Your rhyme scheme was very good in this and i liked the wya you slurred your shit. Your internals was very good. I like this one the most outa the ones ive read recently becuaes its not the normal piece that you write about or anything like that... very well done... Sucks we battling in VE already hoped we'd be the final.
    Last edited by Liquid Content; September 23rd, 2006 at 12:16 PM

  8. #8
    Bump for you atti... feed has been edited in

  9. #9
    thanks alot man.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Paper towel dowley tuba lays the tune of
    the fifth symphony, he's playing una.
    Two trash lids lift the focal instrument
    as soprano vibrato echoes the increments.

    loved those few lines, i dont know if it was the flow or the word choice but somethin made that stand out a bit more to me. seems like everytime i read somethin from you, you have a different rhyme schem lol maybe it's just me but i think if you stick w/ one style for a longer period of time and develop it your OM's will be even better. vocal is always one of your strong points. Very original topic here, do you play an instrument yourself? well, you do know wut your talking about atleast. idt this would have been as strong as it was w/o a minimal knowledge of music. Imagery was good here, story had me a bit confused at first as to wut you were trying to portray but i understood it by the end so s' all good. very different from your usual, but i enjoyed it......

  11. #11
    Soule
    Guest
    You write the weirdest shit man lol,

    Very nice peice. The Wording was fucking perfect. I loved it. The flow was nice and thats probaly cuz of the wordpaly used here. The Creativty was nice. Made a great structre. The Imagenary was so fucked up lol. AMAZING but Fucked Up. How the hell do you come up with this shit lol. Its great. The Peice itself was weird. But as I said like 20 times before. Its a great peice. Keep writing man. This shit gets my head..Mixed up.

    ~Blind.

    P.S: Pelase hit up my Poem *Oh Mama*.

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