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Thread: What shoulda been posted...

  1. #1
    Newbie Ender's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    26
    Battle Record
    0-4

    What shoulda been posted...

    I got this weird arrangement with this girl... I post her stuff on the RBTL... Ima proxy, in some ways. Well it looked like she was gonna no show for the battle against TREACH P, so I wrote something up to battle him. She ended up comin up with something. Now I like it, and I'd like to see if other people do too : ).

    I'm really feelin this topic right now... this drop means a lot to me


    Topic is "painful death"

    as i lie myself down and drown in this pool of red
    i take a moment to remember all those words you said
    all that shit i was fed, spawning that hope deep inside
    why hide my feelings, that's what i thought till I realized
    you were taking advantage of me. I loved you and still do
    but that one time you told me about you choppin Drew
    i coulda rolled over and died, what a foreshadowing
    of this very end, choking on my own venom while i'm cryin
    every time you said "we're just friends", i was hurt
    but then we'd kiss and from my eyes my excess joy would spurt
    you played me even tho i loved you and trusted you
    and now you "don't need me" and yet still i continue...
    i come to you, ya quit talking to me, so what's new?
    i woulda been so much better for ya baby than Drew
    how could i show you he had nothing on me
    show how he abused you, mentally and sexually
    still you chose to fuck him and have his baby
    what worse you said you loved me and i'm still hungry
    i got money, on you i spent more than is countable
    now you turn around and ignore me, ya know what's painful?
    ya gainful attitude, how i can do wrong, but as for you
    its all twisted while you argue,
    while you sit around "afraid"
    damn, my thoughts are starting to fade...... damn that blade
    painful death, it's what i painfully read...
    what you painfully said.......
    it's this damn painful bed
    where I'm painfully dead

  2. #2
    Newbie Ender's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    26
    Battle Record
    0-4
    uppin for someone to look at it

  3. #3
    Bigg E Z
    Guest
    dope shit bro....

    very fuckin deep...

    "every time you said "we're just friends", i was hurt
    but then we'd kiss and from my eyes my excess joy would spurt"

    i liked that 1

  4. #4
    Bmack
    Guest
    i come to you, ya quit talking to me, so what's new?
    i woulda been so much better for ya baby than Drew
    how could i show you he had nothing on me
    show how he abused you, mentally and sexually
    still you chose to fuck him and have his baby
    what worse you said you loved me and i'm still hungry

    Pretty hot piece, Not bad for a newbie...elevate a little...but nice flow in this joint..liked it

  5. #5
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Toronto
    Posts
    3,513
    Battle Record
    16-12
    I enjoyed this a lot. it had a really good meaning, and the whole "painfully dead" theme is great, even thought Mad Man picked it.

    there was a bit of repetition, rhyming the same words twice and such. not a bad thing, just makes the rhyme seem a little tedious.
    the flow was okay, but wasn't constant. the syllables in your bars should relativly the same length, helps the flow.

    the opener was amazing, same with how you twisted it from death to love, and told how they related. nice piece ender.
    One
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

  6. #6
    Acidic
    Guest
    yo ima agree wit understatement on tis but overall tis was a deep ass piece

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