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Thread: K and Nahlidge - An Apple Never Falls Too Far From The Tree.

  1. #1

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    K and Nahlidge - An Apple Never Falls Too Far From The Tree.

    K and Nahlidge - An Apple Never Falls Too Far From The Tree.


    Nahlidge
    K


    To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
    Bertrand Russell


    Brought up on Nintendo and T.V. dinners, cause livin` was tight
    Parents workin` different shifts, like passin` ships in the night
    Visions of white America dreams, often buried and threw
    On a dinner table stacked with bills, cause it barely gets used
    Unfairly accused, of bein` the cause of a broken house hold
    He hides himself behind a smile, escapin` through that mouse hole
    That he often calls home, it`s where he goes to be alone
    To get away from the world, a place that he can call his own
    Wishin` life was a roll of dice, so he could gamble it right
    But drunken fights is the closest he got to family nights
    And Sunday dinners, were more like KFC and a movie
    Grantin` him a happy home, like he`d seen in the movies
    So he`d dream it, but truely, hardships had scarred the kid
    But nothin` could be worse, than mom and dad`s arguments
    Sometimes he`d ask why they fought, they said he was the reason
    And as the hatred grew stronger, he started to believe them

    So everyday he took longer, to find his way back home
    Wonderin` if they`d even notice if one day he was gone
    Most of his days spent in his room, in the dark with a stereo
    Blastin`, wishin` lucky charms were more than a box of cereal
    Still he grows older, thinkin` that this is what love is
    Seen `em punch, kick and yell, but barely knows what a hug is
    Every night the fights grew a little worse than the last one
    Til` one night sumthin` happened, this fight would be the last one
    His dad comes home from the bar, car`s in the driveway smashed up
    Yellin` bitch where the fuck are you?, slammed the door wake your ass up
    I`m tired of your bullshit, he yells as he aims at her with a full clip
    Little does he know, the safety`s off the trigger when he pulls it
    Clueless, he drops the gun, unaware of what he`s done
    A murderer, but still a father in the eyes of his son
    Holdin` his wife, the boy thinks, Mom, it`s the first time I seen `em hug you
    Watchin` his dad pick the gun back up as he whispered I love you

    Bang

    Now he`s growin` up afraid to love, torn, with a part of denial
    Becomin` a grown man, still livin` with the heart of a child
    More like the heart of his child, hood, and who`s to blame
    But his experience as a young boy, and not wantin` the same
    Fate as his parents, shallow, but the depth is apparent
    A foster child happy on the surface, lackin` the depth of a parent
    Stoppin` himself from witnessin` the passion of when toungues touch
    20 sumthin` odd years old, only now experiencin` his own young love


    My worries in-depth, buried deep within my chest, nested under skin
    The cell formed by my rib-cage doesn’t prohibit the happenings within
    Visions of sin, I skim through existence, with a resistance to float
    Weighted by every worry, my 3rd person and soul harbor my boat
    With remote agitation, my devoted patience to ignore my past runs cold
    Scolded from coal, why not add to the fire instead of cindering old
    My soul is departed, a self labeled retarded corpse with a pulse
    Karma will come, like farther like son joining a murderous cult
    Further result, I walk bewildered, chilled with a gusted breeze
    Each spine freezing current, excites me in resemblance of my mothers scream
    Extreme scenes of violence spiral with a persistence so twisted
    I ram fingers down my throat being sick, now I must pick my victim

    To christen my insanity, single handedly I clutch a braid of her hair
    Hugging, juggling the vomit from my mouth, resisting the lords prayer
    I share my nightmare of thoughts that ought to send her above
    Catching droplets of blood on my tongue, I taste what it is to be loved
    Shoving the jaded blade way beyond as I fondle her carcass
    With one burst of passion, I fashion a pierce in my skin of darkness
    Heartless, but from what I was shown, this is what a heart is
    Expressin` my love to her, the only way I know, a torn apart kid
    Stop, he never stopped, so why should I? I thought you loved me
    Closed my eyes, reminded of my mother, the way that she touched me
    With her last breath she cried for help, with a lifeless look on her face
    Now I`m a grown man, relivin` the same past that I tried to erase



    #1.
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  2. #2
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    nahlidge... you had a nie piece, with an audio flow, and a decent rhyme scheme. however the second stanza... home and gone defintely dont'r hyme... im a fan of the "Forced rhyme thing... like curse/dirt.. but that stretched it abit... the rest of yor piece was decent as well// the rhyme scheme got better, and a more audio-like flow to it.. lucky charms was nice.. and the end quatrain was nice in the second stanza... good job

    k - your openeing line's werent that good.. as it was more literal than poetic and emotional... and it didn't flow well.. your piece picked up welll though. you had some great inners thoughout the piece, something Nah didn't really have and it made your part much better.. i do think your word usage was a bit off though because it screwed the flow up in some places, but otherwise... you both did very well

    hit up the link in my sig. supercalafragilisticexpealadocious

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  3. #3

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    coo

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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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    Great piece man

    Flow: Excellent, readable and easy to follow
    Complexity: Started off simple and took you in to some depth later on. Last verse really tied everything up.
    Multies: Not that much but they weren't really needed
    Vocab: Suited the mood and tone of the piece

    Overall: great, deep piece. One of the best that I have read.

  5. #5

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    up!

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  6. #6

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    Bounce!

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  7. #7
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Nah -
    I liked your verse quite a lot mainly due to imagery. You told and story and I can see it in my had, which for most people reading a piece, is hella important. Your flow was banging as usual, some hot spots/some stop points, but it was still smooth read.

    K -
    Good to see you dropping again, mate. Nice verse altogether.. some points were stretched for me to read but your use of multi's and internals made it easier for it to keep flowing. You took a darker side from what I was expecting from what was gonna happen to teh kid, but it worked.

    Overall -
    I liked it. The concept has kinda been done in many ways before, but you told it how you wanted it, and opted for a melancholy ending rather than a reformed man. Styles collided a bit, but gelled in a lot of places. Always a pleasure geezers :-)


    Take a look at my latest piece!
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  8. #8
    I found a prefix!!!! f-gee's Avatar
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    Nah sup man?
    Typical nah piece here, your flow was nice the writing was down to earth and relatable. good use of imagery, eg the table covered in bills.
    You had the harder job in setting up the scene and although it wasn't ground breaking shit it did what was needed

    K
    Your piece didn't really execute the finish to the story that well imo, you had some decent sentences but got too wordy in places and that detracted from the overall piece, the flow to the drop was also affected. Kinda lost the reader in places with the way it was written a bit idsorganised.

    Overall this was a bit mediocre, neither of you set the idea alight and the idea itself just seemed so played, i was at least expecting some variation on the theme

  9. #9

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    word this is my first shit in like 8 months so im bound to be rusty.

    thanks anyhow.

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  10. #10
    wow, this was a great piece, da begining was flawless u had da perfect story line going with it explaning a hard life, honestly tho it sounded a lil eminemish but u did good, u didnt have no grammar mistakes, i would like 2 hear it on audio

    u had good imagery also, u could almost sense da kid doing bad shit to survive, like when u said drunken fights where his closes things to family nights u could sense da emtional feel and u could almost see da kid crying or sumthin

    da second part was fuckin awesome to son, dat shit was deep, about growing up and being like dem, u guys should def collab again, im lookin forward 2 it

    this was a great piece, Ya have sum real lyrical talent

    9/10

  11. #11

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    thanks.

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  12. #12

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    yup!....

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  13. #13
    Soule
    Guest
    Dope shit man.

    K: You had some nice wordplay here man. Help the verse's alot. the flow you had was nice, flowed well through a majority of the peice. The Emotion you had was deep. Carried the stroy very nicely.

    Nahlidge: You had some great wordplay as well. The majority of it was wonderful. You're flow like K's was very well done and held together really well through a high majority of the peice. And also like K, you had some real deep emotion in this. And I carried us as readers deep ino the story.

    Altogether: The structre could have been better but I wont rate you on that. I wil reat you on the good creativty and Imagenary. You guys pulled this peice off real well. Keep writing. 10-10

  14. #14
    Soule
    Guest
    Please Return The Favore by feeding on one of my poems. Please and thankyou. And If you down for a colab I'm always willing.

  15. #15

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    coo.

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