The 7 Sins: Envy

[Clee]

Great.

Pak- As always you had a wonderful participation in a colab, I really liked both of your parts, sweet and simple, good rhymescheme, good use of vocabulary, you really as a narrator projected a good image for the reader, emotion was fluent, flow was consistent throughout the piece...

Mr. Envy ran along & paid some renowned killers
To raze his neighbours house and kidnap his wife
But they got distracted by Elliot’s exquisite wine fillers
The killers looked greedily & Elliot’s envy cost his life

Your best part, strong way to end a well put om, props. man I look forward to reading the rest of the sins.

Grim- I felt you didn't do as good as Pak in portraying an image of your part, your rhymescheme was good, vocabulary was alright, you were only off flow one or two lines, your verse was steady, didn't pick up anywhere, you did end strong though, so I'll give you that, there really was no favorite part in your verse for me, it was a stable verse that just kept the same pace...Overall I thought your part was pretty good, keep it up.

Good collab guys, your styles worked together well, Envy was portrayed here, it was a good read, keep it up guys.



If either of you could return the favor, thanks.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...64#post4958264

[P. Mortuus]

Thanks Clee and wU i never wrote this for a single.

[The Vortex]

yeah this was even titer . i mean i'm mixed up what was 1st n what not right now ha. but yeah flow on this was constant firing. some rhymes in i think the 3rd verse got a bit basic cudda been more adventurous w/ that. and also rhyme scheme was worked well w/ the rythym but could be more elevated on still i reckon. till you sort of get lost in the rhyme scheme , let it go wild n buck like fuck ya nah mean. poetry was ojn point still so im just talking bout adding more audio type visual effect and exitement to the rhymes still, yeah you mos def add interest to otherwise unheard of subjects

pz1