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Thread: Come Back.

  1. August 23rd, 2006, 03:01 PM #1
    Tragedian.
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    Come Back.

    I Have
    I have loved you awhile..
    And I feel I`m ready…
    I wanna do it in style…
    Lets take it slow and steady…
    i do what ever jus to see u smile
    not to much at once it could be deadly
    I wanna make sure its all worth while..

    so listen up..

    The Reason
    The Sweetest girl ive met
    most caring I know…
    U wont find any better I bet
    The girl that u jus wanna show
    Once u see her u never forget
    Dated her awhile ago….
    But still I aint over her yet

    The Move
    Now I feel its time..
    I want her back.
    And put the past behind..
    My life without her is black.
    Cause shes just so kind..
    Shes the reason I don’t wanna pack..
    Not just cause shes fine..
    Im gonna take a crack...
    So now im askin to make u mine
    Please for me just come back...
    Empire
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  2. August 23rd, 2006, 03:01 PM #2
    Tragedian.
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306674
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304790
    i tried this kinda style to if it was good for me or not please leave feed that could help me elevate..
    Empire
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  3. August 23rd, 2006, 03:04 PM #3
    ~Rotwiler~
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    ok dj i wasn't feeling this one as much as ur other ones idk maybe its just becuz u have this new "style" or w/e but i mean the concept was dope and all and I can relate and all cuz its happnd to m like that once, the vocab was kinda basic and shit yet i was really feeling ur stress and shit, the love was coming lol but yea man i didnt like this format or structure or w/e



    plz hit up ma oM

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    Pieces:

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  4. August 23rd, 2006, 04:19 PM #4
    Tragedian.
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    thanks tips to elevate would be nice...upp
    Empire
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  5. August 23rd, 2006, 04:44 PM #5
    De~Press
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    I thought this was a good piece i thought the rhymescheme was unique and it rhymed well...Your emotion was ok and wording of lines was good also...vocabulary was good and imagery was decent...Not a bad piece overall...Stay up.
    SMOKEY
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  6. August 23rd, 2006, 05:49 PM #6
    Jon
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    A meh piece from a bleh writer. No offense, but you have the same concepts EVERY piece you write. THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX! I meen, whats the worse that could happen? Us chritisize you? Isnt that happening? C'mon man, I feel that you could actually be a decent writer if you'd get some new concepts. Oh well.. Nice piece I guess, but it did leave me dissapointed. Keep writing, but seriously, come up with some new stuff.. pz
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  7. August 23rd, 2006, 07:00 PM #7
    P. Mortuus
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    WEll this was a more elementary stylistic om, if you are going to use an A,B,A,B rhymscheme then you need to give it more fluidity to make each line transition better. Also, when you shorten lines shorten them ith imagery not simpler words na mean, Play the strings of deceptions banjo or something like that lol.....Anyhow, you need to get out the lovey dovey seen and face more harder topics that are harder for you to grasp...I'd prefer to see a more dark topic from you that has nothing to do with the girls. I'm the pimpdaddy here not you lol....Stay up.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  8. August 23rd, 2006, 08:04 PM #8
    -=HazE=-
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    kinda cliche...basic structure..
    sounded like a poem almost
    couldnt get the flow.
    Open Mic



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    "Steadly Deciding...Thoughts Sowing Deadly weather
    I rip verses apart,Yet my flows pulls them together"
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  9. August 24th, 2006, 01:02 AM #9
    Tragedian.
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    thanks again upp...
    Empire
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  10. August 24th, 2006, 01:25 AM #10
    OnKor
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    This still seemed basic to me. You should really try 'n add more complexity to your pieces. The flow was strong, 'n the topic is played but it is always something people can relate to. You had some very simple vocab here aswell. The rhyme scheme was different and helped your flow, but I was particularly fond of it. So for next time try 'n use stronger vocab 'n try and be more complex. But overall it was a pretty good piece

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