What Did He Do..?

[Tragedian.]

What did he do..?

A normal every day kid..comin home from school..
Just knows when he gets home..hes gonna be his dads anger tool..
He aint no fool…but theres nothing he can do…
And he still has no idea..when hes not home what his mom goes thru..
Sits and crys at night…knowing his father he cannot fight…
He still wont tell anyone bout it..but deep down he knows it would be right..
Trys to sit tight..thru all this bullshit..he trys to act happy..
But everyone can tell just by talking to him he feels really crappie
Not much can be done…hes hurt emotionally it ruins his fun
He has to live with his father and has no where to go so he cant run
Just the bruises make him way a ton..yet he hides them all…
He still stands tall…when he gets home…he puts his face to the wall..
The help is one call yet he keeps calm…
kid loves his mom…that’s the reason he sits and takes the beating
dad keeps hitting…and he keeps retreating…
He trys to be a good son…and gets every little piece of house work done.
Trying to figure out..where this all bugen…
Moms the loved one…and hes thankful to…the beatings she got he start to knew..
Finally the kid stood up and said dad this shit is threw…
Dad flipped out…and the son…fought back
While mom called the cops…..the son was getting smacked
It was enough time to spare…
This shit was over but now the kid feels bad cause his dads in jail..
And he doesn’t find it fair..
He feels sorry for the old man even after what he did..cause he doesn’t get no bail

The End

[Tragedian.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...53#post4863453
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post4863478

[C.Wrighter]

i read it from top to bootom

and it was crazy tight for a minute close to the nd it started to sound like you had a part 2 to this

but you didnt it ended witch still was cool and the pice was very impressive

[<Supreme>]

this is a gd piece
the imagery in this helps to show wot u r tlkn about
th emotion is alrite, but a bit basic
the rhymin is gd but simple thruout

try to bring a bit more emotion in to a piece like this
gd drop, keep tryin

[ferocity.]

wow this was a great piece man, i related to this quite well too, and didnt expect it to be so connected to the life i use to live.

flow was immensly good, and the multies were too. vocab/wordplay/structure/concepts were all excellent also.

this was a great piece overall homie// keep writing, and il be looking forward to your future OM's.

if you can, please return the favor.

[.Mack.]

I Will be honest with you, this was a pretty good pice you but i wish you would have wrote more so i could have seen you get your point across better but as i tell almost everybody u need to work on the complexity of your piece yo, try to add in better wordplay and multies and make sure your shit flows really well and also i'd like to see you work on a more complex wordplay, it would do alot for tyour writings

[OnKor]

It was good piece. You had a pretty simple rhyme scheme. I'd like to see you had more complexity. You had some good emotion, but it could have been stronger. Maybe try adding some multis next time. But overall it was good.

Keep spittin'

Hit up 'Immortal Emcees' in my sig

[Tragedian.]

i`ll be hitting all your drops soon thanks for the feed...

uppin

[Tragedian.]

uppin...

[Clee]

eh...decent topic...seen it to many times...and you didnt really add much to it...good flow, decent rhymes, no use of vocabs, 1 or 2 multis in there, you need to be more creative, and you need to have more lines that just jump out as good, you had two or three bars that by the set-up I thought were going to be good, but you didnt do anything with the second line, I guess there was emotion in this, its an everyday problem really, no strong points, didnt pick up anywhere, the beginning wasnt that good, the middle was alright, and you ended weak, you needa elevate big time man...

[V. Vega]

not bad, to me all the rhymes were really simple, nthing complex or memorable. Use some imagery to paint a picture or use multirhymes, something to kinda spice it u more. the flow was different but it worked, so just work on the content a little

[The Vortex]

yeah mos def a good joint. structure was amd format was coo. flow was mostly tite. and was controlled well so as to purt emotion in the lines......... rhymes worked well. but i guess cudda been a lil more adventurous. like poppin off a few sic multies even in between the lines on the internal tip........ coz a lotta the rhymes got a bit bleh....
yea i say u flipped the topic well. flow was on. vocab was ok/good.decent..
just keep adding elements and droppin more ish

pz1

checkoit my layest 1-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306189

[P. Mortuus]

This was an aight read. The concept isn't knew but has much to grasp on. The flow was very good and hardly went bumpy at all. Vocabulary was average but emotion was good. The main problem with this was that it became too predictable at times and thus made me lose interest. However the flow kept me reading through to the end and i liked the ending as it gave a sense of closure. Nice easy read, keep it up.