Ransoms In Rants

[Jon]

Ransoms in Rants

Facts lack white lies, relax – lay back tonight
Quite a surprise will light an excitement, to your delight
A knight in shinning armor, a mockingbird of terror
Will rise alright, inviting spite – right from joyful error
Sky high, these notes flow to prices that clog your throat
To supply random guys with money, hoping to float their boat
Screams shattering dreams, taking things, breaking wings
Needing energy as strong as the energizer battery brings
Feeling pain, the vibe from inside her screaming to reach
Out into the world, a kidnapped girl left lifeless as if a leach
Was to suck her emotions, yet no commotion from kin
Within the gates of hell, this is the place we live in
But then again, in this generation, with kids on probation
People fighting ragingly for offended conversations
Back to the stable of the fable, labeled to me
Only to get noticed, a girl lying motionless on a T.V screen
My breath fogs the window, a pre-teen, dressed
To death, oddly enough, I’m eager to put this quest to a rest
I see her, making sure my eyes don’t leave her
Taking swift tips, leaving my lips no time to linger
On high guard, yet the best of my targeting, iffy
Capture success!
Besides, this brings fun to the fundamentals of kidnapping
Blind fold, a death hold molds around her body
Behind this mask, I feel sorry…
…now knowing my task was shoddy
Not letting that harm me, my mind stays constant
Stop fretting please, these aren’t signs that I’ve lost it
I leave ransoms, like I’ve thrown a temper tantrum
So committed they’ve almost fitted an anthem
The girl sleeps, lying covered in the back of my jeep
Not she, what I strive to keep, left in a whole dug too deep
Falling down a hill too steep, no where to ask for an answer
Pain in the format of a disease, easily spreads as fast as cancer
See, the best is not yet to come; the worst is still left to happen
A poor guest bet too young, cursed ill and kept on laugh en`
I return to the home of a wondrous trip filled uncompleted
New morals come, old ones flip, my dignity remaining defeated
I place her in her cradle, leaving her bed stable and such
But the lessons I’ve learned, and the ones I’ll miss so much.

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305157
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304942

[Jon]

wow.. 18 views, no replys. Come on please, leave feed and a link.

[Jon]

Come on.. please leave feed..

[Alton]

Facts lack white lies, relax – lay back tonight
Quite a surprise will light an excitement, to your delight
A knight in shinning armor, a mockingbird of terror
Will rise alright, inviting spite – right from joyful error
Sky high, these notes flow to prices that clog your throat
To supply random guys with money, hoping to float their boat
Screams shattering dreams, taking things, breaking wings
Needing energy as strong as the energizer battery brings
Feeling pain, the vibe from inside her screaming to reach
Out into the world, a kidnapped girl left lifeless as if a leach
Was to suck her emotions, yet no commotion from kin
Within the gates of hell, this is the place we live in
But then again, in this generation, with kids on probation
People fighting ragingly for offended conversations
Back to the stable of the fable, labeled to me
Only to get noticed, a girl lying motionless on a T.V screen
My breath fogs the window, a pre-teen, dressed
To death, oddly enough, I’m eager to put this quest to a rest
I see her, making sure my eyes don’t leave her
Taking swift tips, leaving my lips no time to linger
On high guard, yet the best of my targeting, iffy


That was dangerous....this verse was aight I liked the concpet and style....it flowed preety good but you could of used more multies and metas to increas the like in your verse....you had ok vocabulary no eyebrow raisers but nice.

[RiQue]

I usually like your work but this one seemed to be lacking.
I didnt think it was structured properly because while reading it it makes you bored. If you proofread it you'd see this and usually shorter peices would flow better because easier to put the word structure together.

[Tim]

That was dangerous....this verse was aight I liked the concpet and style....it flowed preety good but you could of used more multies and metas to increas the like in your verse....you had ok vocabulary no eyebrow raisers but nice.

^^^lol wtf at you, you didint even read it^^^

i should ban you


anyways Jon it was basicaslly like you said a rant on thoughts i dont know if they were your thoughts or some elses to give it a story like approach but i saw you went with the inner rhyme attack but some of it seemed a little out of place and forced usually what makes it forced is the syllable counts but still quite a nice disply of word usage i seen a couple metas also and the emotion was good the advice id give you is to try to do a syllable count on each line transition not like its something major just to have it read more smoother flow i really wouldnt stress on it though as its already good nice drop

[P. Mortuus]

This was aight, it was more a idea vomit....know i don't mean that in a bad way but i have know other words. YOu may either have had to many ideas or too less which caused this jumble and created a rant. However, i like rants they usually give an insight to the writers ideals. Anyway, the structure was just aight due to the form not being in any way coloumned but more free. I liked parts such as the energizer line as they sounded good. However my main qualm with this whole piece was that it never lead me no where. The most i got from it was at times an outlook on society nothing more. Overall, i would have to say that this is an aight piece, even though not the most fluent or technically flawless one..it still has a way with the reader, though only in parts.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=4849797

[Jon]

Uppin..

I'll get to all links when I have time.. I'll try my best.

Thanks for feed tim and pak.. uh, Alton? wtf? More multies? there was at least 3 in each line..