"Teddy Bear" MUST READ!!

[hYpoConDrAddict]

ok first of all, i do not condone anything I'm about to talk about in this story, i just wanted to make that clear, I wrote this thru a teddy bears eyes, so i use the vocab that ud expect from a teddy bear (like a child's vocab) so dont harp on me for the the vocab aspect of the rhyme. Anything else is fair game. Another thing, read all the way thru this, if u miss somethin ull be lost. Enjoy...



Hi! my name is Teddy, i stay with sissy and were really happy
then theres mommy and daddy, together were a family
I sleep in sissy's room, when they shut out the lights
she holds me tight, kisses me on the cheek and says goodnight
one night daddy came in the room, i thought he wanted to sleep
but he put his finger over his mouth, said shhh and pulled off the sheets
he took her clothes off instead, he musta been accessorizing
then they started movin around n sweating, i think they were exercising
when she started cryin daddy put a pillow on her face, we have a silly dad
but daddy musta been being really bad
cuz when mommy came in she looked really mad
she hit him in the back and put him on time out
and she hugged sissy as soon as she cryed out
then i heard mommy say "I dont care if I could never work again,
I'll never leave ur side, never let you get hurt again."
But she wasn't lookin back
daddy grabbed her head from behind, i heard a crooked snap
then mommy just layed down and took a nap
sissy started crying again, daddy screamed "shut ur fucking mouth!"
he pulled out a toy knife and ripped all of her stuffing out
Then he started cryin too, he ran into the other room
and thats when I heard a loud boom
Then it was quiet for a while
untill some men I never seen before came into the room
one of the men had a white T-shirt that said "coroner"
N i think one of them was sick, cuz he was throwin up in the corner
then the men put mommy in a sack thats black
another man shoveled sissy into clear plastic bags
Then they left the room so i just went to sleep
when i woke up i saw a priest, and sissy was layin next to me
Then people started walkin by and giving us flowers
they musta really liked us cuz this went on for hours
Then they closed the box and there where no more lights
so i kissed sissy on the cheek and said goodnight.

[hYpoConDrAddict]

can i get some feed maybe?

[Truth Iscariot]

wow what a wack ass title but i liked this very originl you must of studied many teddy bears to come up with this but anywayz i likked it big ups

[LamaGod]

woah, so this started out so simple and stuff I thought it was kinda stay childlike, and I'm not just talking vocabularywise as you said it would, but the whole dad and daughter having sex thing totally caught me off guard, even though maybe it shouldnt have had, but yea I totally wasnt expecting that and I like how you did it.

he took her clothes off instead, he musta been accessorizing
then they started movin around n sweating, i think they were exercising

haha, I remember seeing a episode of law and order once where this retard, a chick with down syndrome was raped and the only way she could describe it was "we were excercising" and she didnt consider it rape and actually liked it, I think people found out she was raped cause she asked her father to excercise and he was like what? lol.. and she told him she meant sex by describing it. shit was crazy, so yea saying excercise instead of sex was perfect.

damn @ the sad ending

hen they left the room so i just went to sleep
when i woke up i saw a priest, and sissy was layin next to me
Then people started walkin by and giving us flowers
they musta really liked us cuz this went on for hours
Then they closed the box and there where no more lights
so i kissed sissy on the cheek and said goodnight.

ok, these lines were strong, I wasnt expecting this ending although the whole death thing is the usually cop out, I still like how you pulled it off, the way you describe was really cute, sad, very sad.. overall this was short and sweet and pretty much did its job, I as the read was entertained and my attention was kept throughout the whole thing, wording was cool, flow wasnt bad and the vocab was fit for the topical. so yea this piece was good.

[Contracts]

I liked the whole concept seeing as everything around this teddy was all straight horror while through the wording and mind set of the teddy he remains innocent and see's it as it's not really all that bad becuase of his lack of knowledge on what's happening. I personally felt the concept was just very nice in general. And like you said it's through the eyes of this teddy who's viewed as a child in the basis of his mind set so the overall workings of the wording work well.

[ExceedinglyMachoRapper]

This is very good.

Well done :hung:

[Wyte]

i didnt like the concept at all, i think this was weak man no hate

[Cliff.Hanger]

ayo fo real i liked it....Thsi was deff a hate it or love it piece thoe man some catss gunna hate on yea some cats gunna give ya props

They piece in my eyes was dope soo simple it worked iwas the lines were creative witch made up for the little vocab shit flow'd nice and the concept was decent the rape shhit got me n the dude commitin suiide wmade it real as well.


Not a strong piece as far as typical piece on RB go but i enjoyed readin this nice drop

[Cliff.Hanger]

link for my om rtf with feed

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305300

[The Vortex]

yeah something sure was good about this shit. i mean at firsat glance i was like. fuck.whats this stupid shit this is silly. but then when i checked out the whole perspective of it . i thought the whole imaginal forward movement of this was outstanding. i was properly entertained. in all its simplicity it was crafted magnificently. the imagery was beyond average iwould say


thats str8 up cool

rookie of the month ish . or something like that. all tho a true rookie really cant write like this.

would be glad to see if you pop anything anywhere this level again

pz1

[Client]

shit was actually kinda emotional

[Vylint]

Look im sick of replys i just did a big ass peice, but this was dope. You look like a newb, but its a disguise. Join Sacred Scriptures, post and give feed.

I'll second the nomination on Rookie of August, you can almost put that in your sig.

[Witty]

just to let you know, you need 2 links that provide feed you have left for other people. Or this will get closed. I'll edit this with feed ASAP, I really liked this.