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Thread: The End

  1. #1
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    The End

    The End



    Look at her, So beautiful, so still,
    Earth, just looking gives me chills,
    But how do we treat her? tell me,
    We destroy, corrupt her violently,
    How much more can Earth take,
    One last shake, one last quake,
    She'll be gone, her atmosphere torn,
    Raging waters and core, fiery shores,
    We'll have to wave goodbye one day,
    To her at the bottom where she lays,

    Lightning striking, Thunder booming,
    Storm heightening, the Sun refusing,
    To shine, the Earth has started dying,
    Kids crying, rich people begin buying,
    Tickets to the moon, leaving so soon?
    We're doomed, started in early June,
    This is the end, call all of your friends,
    Mountains start to bend, people repent,
    Focus realized all of the nonchalant eyes,
    The poor sigh, they've been ready to die,
    Glassy eyes come from the classy dymes,
    Tactics tried, a president no longer resides,
    ...Say goodbye, to the Earth as she dies...

    Eyes to God, families begin to re-bond,
    People scattered, time now shattered,
    The end, money is still what it's all about,
    Paid intents, shuttle tickets are sold out?
    No, not for the rich, is there some glitch?
    No, for the wealthy, people turn indignant,
    Forget it, there is no more world for me,
    Opening lips, pray for God's forgiveness,
    It's the end, why choose to begin a plea?
    No voices in heaven, God's made his choices,
    We were left here to die, and burn in hell,
    Take your last sigh, you don't have to rebel,

    Meteors collide, the core makes the mantle shatter,
    Tsunami tides, screams make the airwaves shiver,
    Earthquakes, 'n the Earth's crust seems to buckle,
    Bulidings shake, you can hear the Devil's chuckle,
    Less air, from the pressure, our lungs compress,
    It's unfair, one last fissure, we're breathless,

    .....It's the end.....


    Last edited by Lord of Pens; August 7th, 2006 at 07:51 AM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    ф»¤Tier One Crew¤«ф Summit Ave.'s Avatar
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    This was a good read. I liked the theme. The vocab was average. I have never seen anyone pick a topic on the earth. The Rhyme scheme was nice. The way you flowed with this was good. I liked this alot. It' seem'd like your lines were sort of jammed together. Maybe you should consider adding a few more word's in your lines.

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  4. #4
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    Thanx for the feed. I do long lines all of the time. I was trying to see how I could do with a shorter type of style. I actually like it a little. I'll mix it up when I feel like it from now on.

  5. #5
    ф»¤Tier One Crew¤«ф Summit Ave.'s Avatar
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    I respect that. I like how you change your style's to be skilled all around. Keep doing your thing my friend.

    -Mc Mystique

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  6. #6
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Shorter lines, I believe, tend to sound better. Plus, it means you didn't just write exactly what you were thinking, because if you do that, it will NEVER sound good. You have to get across what you want with shorter, smaller-syllabled words and less of a sentence-type structure to make it into poetry. Getting a long or complex point across in very few words is probably the most exceptional trait of any good writer.

    In short, keep to the shorter lines when you can.

    This was a very cool read, the thought was put into it, you progressed in your story, and you touched on some things that are, sadly, probably true. I liked the part about the poor who were already prepared to die since they know they couldnt buy their way out, anyways. I really have no critique on this, I think it wouldn't be all that great on audio because some of the rhymes just aren't quite there for me (like, ending a line with "me" and the next with "violently" is not a good rhyme, unless you lead up to the word "me" with something that correlates to "violent.")

    Good story, outside the box a little bit, and I think this got better and better as it went along, as a lot of times is not the case. Good job.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  7. #7
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    Yo this was a pretty good read, It had the poetry vibe to it and I was really feelin it. Lines were nice and smooth wich made the flow easy and fluent. Nice topic aswell I did one similar too this a while back but none of the less good creativity the pictures really helped the concept you were tryin to get it, Overall this was quality work fam - Keep it up.

  8. #8
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    Thanx for the feed ya'll. I really appreciate it.

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    WEll, this was quite a good om, i liked the poetic ryhtms to it as it had a poetic vibe with a fast speech style. Basically, i liked the flowing of the words however, they did at times not connect as good as they could have which cuased problems and made some of the lines awkard. However, hte way you viewed the whole piece and went form narrative to first person was pretty good. A good idea and i reckon you effort to try out different styles is good. In totality, i liked it, stay up.

  10. #10
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    Thanx alot for the feed man.

  11. #11
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    uppin this.

  12. #12
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    uppin again.

  13. #13
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    uppin this.

  14. #14
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    I could truly use some more feed on this before my next piece.

  15. #15
    Banned niggerican's Avatar
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    it was good. the whole story plot didn't draw my attention that much, but the peice itself was good, structure, flow, vocab. keep writing and trying different styles. dope peice.

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