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Thread: Stuck in the year of 88'.

  1. #1
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    Stuck in the year of 88'.



    Back in the day for me . . .
    It was black on black Cadillac bumping that eight tracks
    with black hard cool leather seats that match
    chrome gleaning knowing that the driver got stacks,
    Speakers on full blast, shaking the ground as it past.
    Couldn't take my eyes off of it-damn who knew?
    A car can make you feel bubbly as if your mountain dew.
    I felt so high without the blunt between my lips,
    but the fire was inside my chest-Damn I was so lit
    and the pain was disappearing turning it into ashes,
    to bad that feeling didn't last-out of my sight it passed
    It hit the corner with its tires doing a burn out,
    Leaving a man feeling drought-facial expression a pout.
    Kids on the side walk playing hopscotch,
    it hit them so quickly like being kicked in the crotch
    gasp and eye widens with screams echoing,
    everyone as if they just woke up by an alarm ringing
    so loud that their manifestation was speechless,
    man the way they sucked in the air so greatly-Like leeches,
    blood flowing into a made man stream on the concrete
    The red shine so brightly, but you can't say this picture is lovely.
    Well not in my eyes, as I ran to him with tears on my cheeks,
    Got down on my knee's, my five-year-old voice yelled "Daddy!"
    with my hands-thinking I was Moses that I can revive him
    pushed on his chest, it was no use, the reaper came and a sad grim
    planted on my face knowing no time soon
    That happiness won't grow in me as bright as a moon.
    .
    .
    Still to this day, I'm fueled with hate and I stay
    In the neighborhood, same corner till the night turn dark gray.
    Every time I hear music blasting down the street,
    I think about that black Cadillac, with black leather seats.
    Trapped in the year of 88', my fathers year grave,
    "As soon I handle business, god you can take me away"
    Last edited by FanQ.; August 6th, 2006 at 01:07 AM
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  2. #2
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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    this was unqiue in a way ad sense of no one else being able to write and approach the way you did...though the storyline was kinda Blah...i do believe your writing picked it up a BIT. you came pretty simple in this piece which is good cus les is MORE feel me?!...bt from the other writings you have done its something sorta new...you had nice details in this aswell but for some sorta reason i just wasnt REALLY feeling this piece but it was a good read.

    but stay u pand in writing my dude!. and if you wanna poetry battle sure im down man..ill set it now if ya want.

    RTF on any of the lnks in my sig my dude.
    Insane Joker Lyricists


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  3. #3
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  4. #4
    Banned Agony.'s Avatar
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    this was unqiue in a way ad sense of no one else being able to write and approach the way you did...

    i agree..this was a nice piece..good flow..clah on the story line tho.. not a good pick...you made it work tho..nice worplay..and this made sense to me...goos drop..keep it up
    overall=8.7/10

  5. #5
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    Thanks, Thanks. Uppin.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  6. #6
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    word. this was unique it was different, creative and very interesting.
    the beggining was pretty good the middle and end was cool.
    the flow was smooth throughout and the structure was good
    vocab was descent. imagery was good. and overall this was good
    i liked it.

    rtf on my OM. thanks

  7. #7
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    I did and thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  8. #8
    Money is the motivation..
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    Very different, I liked this piece, plenty of metas, and decent vocab. Nice, you had me thinking it was a story of stuck on the block sellin rock type gangsta stuff. but you flipped it, and it was dope. If this was a true story, then I'm sorry for the loss of your father, but I think he would be proud of this piece. It was good, you could have improved with a few multis, and that's really all I can think of now. Just keep dropping.


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    Well man, this was an interesting way of writing. It seemed as if you took the picture and made wrote on how it gave you a substitute for drugs and a metaphorical "high".
    All in all this was a good piece but there were some things you could work at.

    Your imagery was your strong point. Now a way to make your imagery more vivid, would be to use more complex or even just bigger words. Your vocabulary can really shape how your piece is going to be. You don't have to clutter your piece w/ complexity but throw it in there and it will help.

    Your story line was pretty good, like I said the whole piece seemed like a metaphor which is good. You will have a good future in writing if you continue to keep it up.

    Well, this is all I really have to say, if you have questions, you know my aim I guess.

    Pz.

    - Whitey.
    Roc-A-Fella !

  10. #10
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    Thanks man and thanks for the feedback above.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  11. #11
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    well first off i just goin to say you weren't alive in 88 so its a fucked up topic to write about
    when i read this it reminds me of outkast for some reason the old outkast
    i really like the piece tho man cause the whole metaphoic things the style the tone sad ending nice shit work on your syllable rhyming
    dude this site sucks man come to <a href=
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    Mic </a> you'll get more feedback and everythin
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  12. #12
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Les Aleus
    well first off i just goin to say you weren't alive in 88 so its a fucked up topic to write about
    when i read this it reminds me of outkast for some reason the old outkast
    i really like the piece tho man cause the whole metaphoic things the style the tone sad ending nice shit work on your syllable rhyming

    Ok. Considering the fact that a 'Topic' can be approach in a fiction or non-fiction way, so no, it’s not a fucked up Topic to write about. Thanks for your feedback.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  13. #13
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    when i said fucked up i meant hard to write because you were not alive
    dude this site sucks man come to <a href=
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  14. #14
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    feelin da car lol nah but that piece was aight, nothing about it stuck out besides da very small amount of imagery, seems like after that mountain dew line it wasnt that hard to follow anymore....flow was shakey but good, wordplay could of been used more to give ya words life, multiz aswell....not that many metas used but overall 7/10 <--but im sure u write shyt better than this anyway....i can tell


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  15. #15
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
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    Thanks and Yeah I can do better than this, just trying something new.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


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