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Thread: The Coffee Soldiers

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    The Coffee Soldiers

    The Coffee Soldiers



    “Let us work to earn our countries living”


    The sun shines and bathes the bewildered workers to rest
    Royalty did behest for these rural puppets to produce the best
    Man to child to man are slavering to solidify the raw roots
    Representation of their struggle is crushed under incipient boots


    “I’m not a child but a young farmer”

    His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
    Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped
    The rich produce of the mother land was overshadowed by debt
    Father Joy slept as uncle greed caused the produce to count inept
    Willowy tendrils of despair latched caressingly at the last rays of hope
    Trying to keep the flailing ship of income afloat, now on a negative slope


    “God is with us”

    Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
    Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
    The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
    Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
    They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
    You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
    Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
    Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed


    Prayer of a Mother



    The lone mother embodied by the tribute watched as she gave birth to seeds
    They were the reward for the deeds her young had done to fulfil their needs
    She glanced and prayed to the creator to give her the supply to belie the rich
    Who treated her with contempt and regarded her as a crook with a hitch
    Now she will provide to those who still believed in madre naturaleza’s worth
    Through the torment of birth the seeds grew to coffee that cooled in the earth
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; July 26th, 2006 at 11:42 PM

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Uppin'
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    .....Uppin''.....
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    i want to up so i up
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  6. #6
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Sorry everyone is sleeping on this, I usually like to read what you do.

    This is solid, pretty much all the way through, and I like the rural story you were presenting, which is a little outside of the box, I must admit. Much better then the last piece I read from you, this had a much more even syllable count line by line and flowed nicely, with your multies suttle and put in the correct places to keep the tongue easily wrapped around the lyrics.

    Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
    Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
    The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
    Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
    They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
    You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
    Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
    Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed
    I liked this part best. I just thought it was the coolest part of the story, for one thing, and it also was the best put together for me.

    Good job, altogether. Hit me up on something I've done if you would, my most recent is called, "Some thoughts about Culture." or something very close to that...

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  7. #7
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    preciate the comments thanks, i've already checked ya om..Stay up
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  8. #8
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    “God is with us”

    Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
    Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
    The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
    Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
    They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
    You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
    Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
    Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed


    ^^^This was a nice piece of the OM in my opinion tons of Imagery along with creativity nice structure with just the right amount of vocab in this portion made this a dope read and not to mention a great display of fresh concepts that really stood out in my prespective,you are a very talented writer Pak and this piece here shows it and it's a wonder why people are sleeping on it I only see a Good OM and nothingless but maybe more but I"m not the best Topical writer so I can't really tell you what you need work on except for maybe complexity at the beginning more...but tahts about it I liked the topic as well as the way you took it...thisis an original topic and anything else like it would just be the same so a nice job here Pak...I'll hope to see more writing from you.


    Syn.
    Last edited by Synonym; July 28th, 2006 at 07:43 AM

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Thanks man, i appreciate the comments and the pointer..Stay up
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Deception.'s Avatar
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    His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
    Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped


    Gotta be my fav line.. word play all the way through was iight. Nice structure, two thumbs up to the creativity.
    the topic alone was enough to grab my attention. You stayed on ya topic drop it wit a neat clean flow..
    Defintitly one of the nicest OM's ive seen in a minute man. Keep ya shit up

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  11. #11
    Banned Synonym's Avatar
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    Hit This Up If You will man



    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303086


    wordie

  12. #12
    Epic Failure
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pakaveli aka Dopeness
    His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
    Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped
    The rich produce of the mother land was overshadowed by debt
    Father Joy slept as uncle greed caused the produce to count inept
    Willowy tendrils of despair latched caressingly at the last rays of hope
    Trying to keep the flailing ship of income afloat, now on a negative slope
    ^^^ that was my favorite ssection of ur OM. the first two lines were nothing but wordplay. and it wasnt sum shitty wordplay it was sum good wordplay. you had a original topic ive seen nothing like this so props for coming up with an original topic. u also had sum excellent imagery in this piece.
    Representation of their struggle is crushed under incipient boots
    this was some excellent imagery. i could jusr invision the strugggle of those workers. but overall pakaveli this was a solid piece. it was just short of nomination of the Hall Of Fame
    T H E D I E N A S T Y


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  13. #13
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Preciate all comments, i'll get at the linkage as i soon as i get back.

  14. #14
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Checked all links provided.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  15. #15
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    Very good piece.

    I think you hit all aspects to make a good piece, the only thing I feel you could have worked on better is wording in certain areas. Other than that I felt your emotion, you expressed it in a certain way that got to to stay involved. You're vocabulary was very good, a little strained at times but none the less very nice. Imagery was the thing that caught my eye the most.
    Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
    Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
    The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
    Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy

    I liked that part the most, I feel you expressed so much in that short little stanza. You had some metaphores too which was a plus, just work on fixing more of them into your work. Great piece keep it up.

    If you could hit this up it would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...26#post4764726

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    IJL

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