Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - The Testament

[soulstice.]

A scripted fate, praying for existence
With my sword of Damocles
This my, no. No. OUR, Testament
A beautiful one. Against the Lords of the Pen which
Script the life we thought we could have loved.
Let the Testament begin
The Testament of Guildenstern and Rosencratz

Hello. I am a shadow in the city of well-developed beings
Hello. I am unable to excel through a mess of generic people
Put to the test of accepting my breathing, is set in stone.
My mind is lost in a land of eclectic clones and defective zones
Put to rest in tombs, at hands of scribes, my lifes motion is vague
Always walking into the same catastrophe shown on the page
I explode into rage, in dreams, because I'm directed to speak fake
Always ready, yet not ready, because we all expected a cliche
Sentenced to discreet fate, a mannequin with puppet strings
It's just im posed to ready, Im never examining my subtle bliss
Muddled lips, articulate pre-spoken words, verbs, and adjectives
This is my concrete horoscope and I deserve to ad-lib it
A catalyst, pulling strings with lead and graphite inkling babies
Mortal gods who embed my half-life in different pages
With cat-like precision raising, me since birth, and till death
They are supporting my breath if its according to text
They burnt into my linear story Shakespeare fate
A savory place in Earth is all i want, stead a shades of grey
A craving for veins, flowing freely through my systems
Acute incisions in my kismet make me lose my rhythm
The newest vision, diagnosis: Writer's Block. Condition Fatal
A mist of cable's, pull my mannequin strings into a vicious fable
Of life, death, and pre-written fate, already sitting in my mind and
And breathing stagnantly.. a stainless steel gypsy called living and dying


Life.. The Chance I Never Got

-Rosencrantz & Guildentsern

[soulstice.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301715 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=300865

[soulstice.]

Power Rangin

[j.frank]

it's iight i don't really like the topic very much but you did ok with what you had to work with.

[soulstice.]

.............

[soulstice.]

forpulate

[Engivale]

Okay, I'll be brutally honest, I didn't like this. I think you are trying way too hard with the metaphors and poetic language with this, because it just drags on. There is almost no flow to speak with, this piece barely ever rhymes, which really makes it a bit tedious to read. You also tend to structure your lines with a lot of overbearing words that change the lymbic pace of your lines at such a constant rate that no rhythm is ever established.

What you are going for is obviously some sort of over-the-top metaphorical read. I mean, at the last two lines of this piece, which should be some of the strongest, well worded and closing material in the piece, you end a line with the word "And" and then start the next line with the word "And." The rhythm of that is nonexistent, man.

Lot of uppin. Use that vocab you seem to have to actually rhyme, man, here's the words you're trying to rhyme in your scheme here:

beings-people
vague-page
strings-bliss-adjectives (what the hell?)
fate-gray
and-dying (and so u know, ending a line with the word "and" is the worst lyrical mistake, man, NEVER again.)

Keep writing, man, just need to elevate. Don't interpret this as big-time hating, I'm trying to help here, this piece was just badly executed. Read back over it.

[soulstice.]

upping....