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Thread: The wind that blows the barley

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    The wind that blows the barley

    The Wind that blows the barley


    Sinking to its knees in the gale
    The barley meekly bows to the ground
    Its attempts at liberation have failed
    For the squall that sweeps is profound

    With this very depiction in his head
    Of the barley, purely a servant to the breeze
    The memory of his father shot dead
    His disposition abruptly begins to freeze
    As he falls to his knees and grieves
    Among the fallen leafs

    Six years ago this very day
    His life was unexpectedly malformed
    On the wooden floor his father lay
    At the beginning of the storm
    The gusto clawed at the windows
    As time froze, in his blood soaked clothes
    The sound of his final breath
    Smothered by crows

    Sixteen years old, he stands alone
    An outsider to this milieu
    They will pay for the seeds they have sown
    On the night the wind blew
    He charged in to the house, unconfined a shout
    And blew out, the occupants in the building

    He unveiled his mask with a grin, and a laugh
    Echoing from wall to wall
    For he had got his revenge at last
    In a blood-filled brutal maul
    The bomb had been blown
    And his targets were dead or dying
    All that was heard was a piteous moan
    And the far-flung din of a baby crying

    His vengeance had been sweet, he cherished this night
    In his soul, there was a full flung party
    As he stood over the furrowed men, like
    The wind that blows the barley
    Last edited by Witty; July 15th, 2006 at 02:53 PM

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  2. #2
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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    This was a great imagery read and story telling went beyond imagination very astonishing my dude...very well done....i liked your set ups on wordplays/,ulties and metz nothin forced all went well and meshed in together!

    Last edited by Omega.; July 15th, 2006 at 02:49 PM
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  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; July 15th, 2006 at 02:47 PM

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  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    up.

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  5. #5
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    This was a little bit diffrent than what I'm used to, so forgive me if the feed sucks. I didn't really grasp the concept that you were trying to get to because of the flaws. I just saw a few, but this was a fairly short piece. Like in the first two stanza's, you used "knee's" repeativly. Try to find synonyms. But beside the fact that you had flaws, it was a nice piece. Maybe next time you should spend a little more effort and time into your pieces, this one seemed a little rushed. Don't freak out, everyone makes mistakes. But overall I'd have to say nice little read. Keep writing.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathon
    This was a little bit diffrent than what I'm used to, so forgive me if the feed sucks. I didn't really grasp the concept that you were trying to get to because of the flaws. I just saw a few, but this was a fairly short piece. Like in the first two stanza's, you used "knee's" repeativly. Try to find synonyms. But beside the fact that you had flaws, it was a nice piece. Maybe next time you should spend a little more effort and time into your pieces, this one seemed a little rushed. Don't freak out, everyone makes mistakes. But overall I'd have to say nice little read. Keep writing.
    thanks dude,but I only used the word knees twice....but yea it was 10 min shit...I'm having serious problems with my writing at the moment

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  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    upping

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  8. #8
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    IFrst and foremost...has this got anything to do with that new irish based film, "The wind that shakes the barley" lol..

    This was written well, the kid being imagarised into a lone barley plant thing was good. There were parts in which you would talk with imagery which i liked. However, you have tryed to reach out to a style which is maybe incipient to you, though it's good as i beilieve a person should try all styles. Overall, this was a good read but we both know that you will up this in your next OM/Poetic piece...Stay uppin'
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pakaveli
    IFrst and foremost...has this got anything to do with that new irish based film, "The wind that shakes the barley" lol..

    This was written well, the kid being imagarised into a lone barley plant thing was good. There were parts in which you would talk with imagery which i liked. However, you have tryed to reach out to a style which is maybe incipient to you, though it's good as i beilieve a person should try all styles. Overall, this was a good read but we both know that you will up this in your next OM/Poetic piece...Stay uppin'
    word dude.....I liked the name of that film, but I changed the name, nothing to do with the film, I just heard that title and thought I could write my own peice with the same title (with a slight alteration) thanks for the feed

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  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah coo lil poem. seems out of place to om if u ask me. there's a mpoetry section for this joint........

    but yeah mos def good. if u wrote from the picture u sure made a lot of it. good quality rythm was easy to follow....yeah had plenty of forward movement. imagery was solid

    interesting poem

    1
    .................................................. ......................

  12. #12
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    thanks dude

    uppin

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  13. #13
    is in the house Facts Machine's Avatar
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    Good shit..

    very original with a dope rhymescheme and imagery was on point. It was a smooth read with a nice story-line. the words used to rhyme were pretty rarely rhymed words for the most part.


    this part stood out to, nice imagery...

    Six years ago this very day
    His life was unexpectedly malformed
    On the wooden floor his father lay
    At the beginning of the storm
    The gusto clawed at the windows
    As time froze, in his blood soaked clothes
    The sound of his final breath
    Smothered by crows
    Please return the feed-back in my "im sarcastic and coronas are healthy" piece. thanks.

  14. #14
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    ok thanks I'll get to that ASAp

    uppin

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  15. #15
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    short and dope i really like this piece it had some nice flow, multies were there it wasent to complex but still had nice rhyming a pretty played topic but u still made it look really nice but the best thing of the whole drop was the imagery good drop homie sorry bout the short feed....

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