"Hearts aren't Made for Tin-Men"

[Atti]

Kiss my circuitry mam, please I,
need to feel like I am distantly human.
Too many loose fuses and these,
ratchet finger tips have shattered
ever leaf I've picked for poor Felisedy.
Rusted eyelids are crimping up,
the tears are simply too dear to us
to relinquish the years we've come
to gather in the chatter of an oiling cup.

Scribbling return to sender above
my name on this page of love letters;
I've rusted holes in these hollow cheek
bones knowing we could never be together.
I drink to fill; kissing last word's masses
and kill myself licking water off my lips
and sipping drinks from shattered glasses.
No pain! You can't feel through the metal!
Killing the day with every ending I spill
............ while the rust begins to settle.

Too many central systems scanning,
loose theory through uprooting mentals
are the heart of my brandi center folds.
Suicide eyes are fragile sights to swallow,
so baby take these so I can fly threw hollow.
I caught the pavement dazed along I-95,
lightly kissed the bridge with crying eyes
before I settled on the Jersey state line..

Love lives in this heart-shaped box
under lock and key and we have not
the proper tears to indear these locks.
So I'll keep crying myself to hell...
Felisedy, do sleep well,

You wont shiver now that I'm not home;
I hope that box opens now, although...
I wish we could've gotten somewhat close.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=4710061
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=300869

[NYisBack]

i liked this, i like the way u didnt focus on rhyming it at the end to much, but u focused on wat u were writing about, u didnt get off topic not once, very interesting topic to right about, mind grasping, and u used nice vocab, not to childish, but no to adult like, it was a real good peice, u could've thrown sum multies in there to make it flow better, but i feel as if u came on the approach for a slow kinda effect, which was nice, i liked ur openr, which set the reader into the zone, and the closer, ended it off right, overal nice and keep goin, overal ratin' 8/10

hit up the links in my sig plz

[Atti]

It does have multies, you have to read by punctuation for the flow to work. It's built mainly around assonance and alliteration though, so it's harder to target the patterns.

[B.I.Detained.]

Okie Dokie, not sure how I stand with this piece to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I DID enjoy the read but I just found myself reading from a text-book rather than being really hooked to the piece itself. Though it was emotive, and quite beatiful to read, as you write poetry in a nice readable way, I just found it too formal. It didn't have a momentum.. the ineterest never gathered any speed, which Open Mics need to do for me. Aspects of rap need to be reinforced in this forum anytime you write in here, and although you did have some good rhymes, it just never felt like it flowed, or I dunno.. felt like a rap (lol, at me repeating myself constantly). For the content though, I liked how you took the topic.. unlike me, you seem to go where the title takes you, and you do well with it. Overall, I wasn't totally engrossed, but its always a pleasure to read your work. Props, Att.

[Atti]

Thanks alot man, always apreciate your feedback.

[Edicius]

nice immagery, i feld this

Too many central systems scanning,
loose theory through uprooting mentals
are the heart of my brandi center folds.
Suicide eyes are fragile sights to swallow,
so baby take these so I can fly threw hollow.

but it was very weird aswell, could be vieuwed from different perspectives and the reader was able to trow in their own twists of what to make of it..

enjoyable..

one

[mc pyro.]

this was good and really different the flow of it seemed like you were having a conversation and telling someone your story that was cool liked that acpect a lot you also didnt seem to care to much about rhyming which was fine cause it seemed to go along with the peice story was very original good to see and the wordplay was decent as well so overall nice job stay up
leave feed on my om pureness

[Infinite Intelligence]

this flowed very well. the similar sounding words, though there was no rhyme scheme, gave it a very poetic and easy going Rythm. you always use personality and a hint of darkness in your peaces as it was no different here. a very visual-able discription of what was going on, yet in a more complex sense. metaphoriclly it wasn't up to par with some of your other peaces but still a good write. good job man.

[Mr.Vodka.]

Imagery was crazy.....I really liked this piece....the vocab was outstanding and the multi's and meta's made it flow consistanly...overall this piece contained blunt emotion and the overall message was great...The topic was good and different and you played it well covering every aspect needed to make it a great O-M piece....overall I give it an A-

Scribbling return to sender above
my name on this page of love letters;
I've rusted holes in these hollow cheek
bones knowing we could never be together.
I drink to fill; kissing last word's masses
and kill myself licking water off my lips
and sipping drinks from shattered glasses.
No pain! You can't feel through the metal!
Killing the day with every ending I spill
............ while the rust begins to settle.

This one Got ME.....really flet this stanza.

[Nique.]

Your imagery is very profound, but you didn't have any multi-syllabic rhyming. None of your stanzas contained internals or anything, so I don't understand how any of them could have any multis. Anyway, I do like the originality you bring to this forum with your poetic,yet rhythmic touch, BUT this was a bit too formal. So formal to the point that the interest factor was downplayed tremendously due to you so strictly sticking to the mechanisms of poetry. Step outside of the box and be risky. That's how a good writer becomes great. T.S Eliot and e.e cumming's aren't known for following the rules. Nevertheless, this was good. I always like how you portray your things through your words. And felisedy did you mean felicity? Good ish.

[Atti]

I always kind of felt like I was being risky by using the style I do. I CAN writer the other ways, and I used to, but this style is just what I like using and what I feel sounds the best. But thanks alot for the feedback.

[Atti]

Bump...