The Worst Night

[NYisBack]

starts off with man runnin from cops...

this mans caught and now he really knows
and he can hardly move, cuz his feet are farely froze
in the same place, the look has changed on his face
from running wild, to now he's running afraid
now his feet are fully locked in place and he cant move
and now he is 100 percent sure, that hes gon' lose
they come closer...
...as he pulls out energy to move, but now, he is runnin' in pain
cuz he was nicked by a dart, that sent poison to his brain
but he wont stop, he is destined to move, destined to win
as the cops come closer, and he is shot at again
he wont stop, he wont snitch, he is no renegade
but he starts to get woozy...
............while he runs with three darts in his leg
helicopters above, with spotlights and guns aimed on this man
as he runs for his wife, who left him, and he feels deserted again
realizes there is no reason to live, and his last word is said
"this is the worst day of my life"...
................then turns to surrender, and is shot in the head

meh, im tryna get better so critisize all u want

[Cody Nash]

ok look ..you did good with that storyline i loved it actually. it's simple yet shit like this always intreigues me. i disliked the rhyme and flow of things. you can do better. you need to grasp what internals and multies are ..

multies are like ..double rhyming at the ends of the rhyme scheme. like ..

we walk through valleys, death stares us straight into the eyes
it's like lifes just a cheat book ...the way we hint through the lies
^multie

Internals are different. like ..

we have winners & sinners ..but thinner chances to win
then the beginner becomes legend, & simply enhances within!
^internals and shit.

just keep working dude. your storylines are fine, try not to be so bland tho too. get a little more creative with shit. use similies/metaphors to express your emotions and compare your actions to other things not similar but similar at the same time. you'll get better dude. keep at it.

word.

[Lil'_D]

i agree with cry, throw some multies and internals in next time. but to many can be the key to your default, keep them limited and be creative. work on the flow and add a little word play, youll get better.

[Kalos Graphē]

aight... that's actually not bad ny goood 4 starters... now as for the topic, it was really weak in my mind and very un-imaginative... you need to really think about a topic that suits your style of writing and that can help you work on your creativity, especially when you're trying to elevate like this... i can help you out on the creativity part if you need it on msn... now what i did like about your piece is you expressed a great storyline and had an awesome character developpement.. although, in result of the poor topic choice, you're piece really lacked emotion, but once you have something more passionate to write about, then the emotion comes more easily... now as for rhymes and multis, the rhymes were good, but seemed a little too simplistic, and i kno exactly how it is just starting out in topical transfering over from text, you're restricted to write about one thing and at first it may seem hard to write a story and make it rhyme the whole way through... that'll simply come with practice... and im sorry to say i saw hardly any multis in there, but keep writing and those will come too... now you're structure was a little off, but im not too fussy about that, as long as it flows nicely.. and your flow was probably your strongest point in your piece... it remained consistent and didnt fall off too much... very nicely done... you need to work on your vocab, you have a very amateur use of words and you need to find more descriptive and passionate words for your pieces... but you need to remember not to cluster your pieces with to many complex words or else it will effect the flow... i kno it seems like there's alot to remember but it'll all come with time, and if you need help starting out, just message me on msn and i'll get you on the right path... just one thing 2 remember, in OMs, no1 likes 2 read about the gangster shit, i found that out the hard way when i started 2, so you need to learn to expand yourself... good work my man and keep it up and ima watch 4 more of your work

~1~

[Relli_Mak]

Damn good imagery NY, I like it. The structure was cool and I was interested throughout the entire thing. Wordplay was decent, and I like the topic. Overall, I give it a A-.

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