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Thread: Infective War

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Infective War



    Infection

    The lone being saunters in the sand of this ethereal land
    Falling at the foot of creatures that should be at his command
    The inner demons slaver on precious juices making them bland
    The naïve knights of the inner defences were worked up to be grand
    .
    Though when the battalions of flaws fed on the revered red cells
    The defences fell, the body of the eternal being dealt a day in hell
    Timeless tissues isolated into acquiescence to eradicate the being
    “Where art thou oh benevolent one, are you still All seeing?
    .
    The crux of endless pits appear to drive the inhabitants out
    The outer body perplexed by flocks of demon starts to shout
    Shout at the messages of distress placed by the inner lout
    Assailants intoxicated by gratification in winning the bout
    .
    The Pallid cells of the body struggle for the smuggled bay
    However, the plan fails as did the defences against the plague
    The Invaders pleasuring in the fruits that lord had not set for them
    Mocking the famed barricades of the highest creation called men
    .
    Women too, succumbed to the vigour of the worldly sin
    Then you tell me, we weren’t weak from the very beginning
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; July 3rd, 2006 at 09:30 AM

  2. #2
    *Waits For 2 Links*

  3. #3
    Rikimaru I Incis's Avatar
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    This was good. The imagery was good as well as the emotion. The flow was steady and wording was good. I liked the creatures t his command..................made me think of "My precious" lol. Overall this was good bro.

    & poetic shut up.
    Artistic Visions
    Written Voices


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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  5. #5
    This creativity and imaginary was good. The wordplay was nice and aahd a good flow to follow up..The structre was ok but I felt the topic was kinda played. Alot of people use war as a topic. But other then the played topic it was good. 9-10.

    ~Leximus

  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poetic Killer
    This creativity and imaginary was good. The wordplay was nice and aahd a good flow to follow up..The structre was ok but I felt the topic was kinda played. Alot of people use war as a topic. But other then the played topic it was good. 9-10.

    ~Leximus
    misunderstood it the topic isn't war as in humans, it's aids and the infection attaking the human body. I'v just personified it.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  7. #7
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    any comments
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  8. #8
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Tight piece, the opening lines caught my eye because of the multies, and the dope vocabulary. the overall vocabulary was quite interesting. the rhyme scheme was original, but it was a little bit simple, not too my liking as much as others were, anymore, the topic was a little original, still been used a couple times though.. decent piece

    anyway, hit up "Tomborrow"

    thanks

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  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    precaite it.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    a penny for your thoughts
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  11. #11
    This was a real cool piece. Those whole thing was a giant metaphor for the most part which, naturally gave me a boner. I really liked how nothing felt forced, and everything ran very fluently. Not only in terms of flow and rhyming, but more importantly, contectualy the piece moved very seamlessly. Couple with a strong and organized flow this was a very easy read. The only complaint that I have, is alot of times I still get a newb vibe from your work and I think I finally figured out why... You have a tendancy to use the same vocab in all your pieces, and you word things alot similar to the way everyone else does. I think if you really started to word your lines more creatively, that would be that last step of elevation for you. Your wording is really the only thing left that could use another step up. So, great piece man, I really enjoyed the read... Try and work on your wording for the next piece, Im interested to see how it comes out.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  12. #12
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Nice job man, this was a bit streched but it flowed well. very poetical kept the vocab there but not over used man. The storyline was good, talkin bout bits of war and how it's infected the world. Nice job with the emotion in there, made me feel intense and shit. you kept a pretty solid read here for me, not to long and shit. Nice job man.

    rtf here: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...27#post4682327

  13. #13
    The Audio King .Silence.'s Avatar
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    I really felt this piece right here.This is on some real shit cuz alot of people are dying from AIDS these days.I really like How you put this piece together.Cuz just Image what Aids really does to you and when you read the piece it basically telling you what it will do to you and you wont notice it.And I really like how he worded he stuff in this piece.And the Emotion in this piece was really strong cuz it makes you feel like its running through your body when you read it.And your structure was good too.And I really liked how you used your vocabulary in this piece.I read alot of pieces from you and liked everyone.Keep up the good work

    Distinct Advantage
    MIXTAPE IS OUT NOW
    [SOUNDCLICK]8054116[/SOUNDCLICK]

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  14. #14
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    appreciate the comments, thanks....i will check up all the linkages just bear with me
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  15. #15
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    thanks everyone whos left comments so far, i have checked all yor links but if yi haven't just quote your messsage and leave a link i'll check it out na mean.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

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