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Thread: Alive In the Jungle [Feat Krack Wit It]

  1. #1

    Alive In the Jungle [Feat Krack Wit It]

    Him = Normal
    Me = Bold

    She was 16, just seen, walking the bush
    Wit schemes, to get green from dudes who offered to push
    She lked my style, told her it would be worth her while
    Told her I came from a mile, just to see her walk down that green ile

    I call it ignorance, which is also mistook
    In these stories of the Jungle, she was lost in the book
    The pages were losing color, I started to wonder
    How she forgot about her brother, and lost all hunger

    Damaging, ecstasy, relieved her of gravity
    Casually, she rode the high right past the canopy
    Felt ths same emotions,runing in a camotion
    She had devotion, yet no more thoughts of the ocean

    Then reality, strikes with a force her body likens a corpse
    Married to a life she’d like to divorce
    Dried up blood and no remorce, then of course
    I ride off with her car, then I kill her horse

    Deceitful bitch, she lied to the guys that were good
    Treating dicks like bikes to ride out of the hood
    She had 2 kids with out a father, left with a son and daughter
    I would help the stupid whore, but why even bather

    So she would follow, those who would alter her plight
    Until she bought 4 letters(AIDS) that would cost her, her life
    I'm left here trying to servive, yert the lifestyle is to hard
    In the jungle I try to stay alive, put that whore away with no disregard

  2. #2

  3. #3
    one more lol.

  4. #4

  5. #5
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    i liek what ya di folk

  6. #6
    lol ok now rise!

  7. #7
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    better luck on your next one...

    try using a less predictable rhyme scheme, every reader knows what your next line is going to be based on your obvious choice in scheme. Needs alot of work, really.

    below what I'd like to see in here.

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  8. #8
    lol...Thankl you for being honest.

  9. #9
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Simple rhyme scheme, weak at that..Also, a very played subject, something somewhat juvenile...Something that stuck out like a sore thumb was the gramatical errors..C'mon man, spell your stuff right so it doesn't look so slopp...Honestly, although neither were impressive, I think Krack has the better context...Next time try incorporating such things as metaphors and similies, and try imrpoving your imagery..I see potential, just read some of the better verses in OM and SS and you'll get an idea of how to write...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  10. #10
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    well maybe we will get sum good feed not sayin his wasnt feed... but it was a negative towards our verse

  11. #11
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Shut up. It's called constructive criticism. I'm trying to help you with becoming a better writer..

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  12. #12
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    no i was sayin that shyt to tha dude above ya..... i was just seein if theires gonna be sum positive feed

    thank you

  13. #13

  14. #14
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krack wit it
    no i was sayin that shyt to tha dude above ya..... i was just seein if theires gonna be sum positive feed

    thank you
    die!


    you don;t say shit to me...

    ever...

    ok?

    good!

    if it sucked, then it sucked... I left enough info for you to get to work on something that doesn't suck...

    as much..

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


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  15. #15
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    w/e dude

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