Unexpected Fame

[AntonioMontana]

a traveler came, sporting a weapon unknown, a blank picture in frame
checking in under a fake name, and she peeks through the pane [window]
while the lil boy plays the masses place judments on Jane
and what follows will devastate lil Jonathons father James
the death of his little boy when he only wanted to play
but why the penalty of death by beating her with a kane
like torturing someones body is going to make them change
the wavelengths of their brain, can you reverse the insane?
condemn them to asylums, try and keep em tame,
but its all the same the plain walls create silent screams and the pain
tears the inside of the dame wrapped 50 times in a chain,
the following day, say, 10 loaded soldiers will aim........and fire
now the death of the troubled soul will rain.......
and waves of media travel at speeds of a hurricane, they say,
the dynasty reigns, breathing heavily everyones mind playin the game,
through it all, the politics think the parents to blame,
and Jane keeps gettin worn like a mane, on center stage shes the main,
character in a plot to gain, multitudes of this unexpected fame..........

[AntonioMontana]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...50#post4619250
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...77#post4619277

[AntonioMontana]

upp 1..........can someone please tell me how much i suck so i know what to improve on?

[AntonioMontana]

anyone......

[Hav]

nice lil story line going on, nothin too serious tho...coulda been more developed, its like one big ass paragraph broken up into sentences, you shoulda got more indepth wit da story....but overall nice flow (could be worked on), aight imagery, good vocab, blah structure

6.5/10

return da fav wheneva i drop a key

[Faith 101]

it wasnt bad. the story was aight. but make it more detailed. make it so it feels like the reader is there. work on your lines a little bit. i see potential because of the creativity u just need to go farther in depth. mabye put a little more time in thinking aobut it

k den peace

[Piddy Pete]

Ye man nice lil story Shit was on line kept up with it......Overall it was aight...

5.5/10