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Thread: No One

  1. #1
    The Drama Club
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    No One

    The frustrating thoughts force upon me black outs
    The screams 'r ear piercing glass burst kids shouts
    The liquid like substance beneath my feet tickles
    The red smooth material in my mouth is like sickles
    The blood slips past my lips onto the floor so easily
    I felt a consistent pain in my ribs a knife inside of me
    I saw flashing pictures in slow motion each went by
    I thought of the past days with family I won't cry
    I want to be the last to fall but instead I'm the first
    But to give way is the easiest way to fulfill this thirst
    But I don't want to say my good byes so I stay quiet
    But they called my name back to back I had to say it
    She is near my ear now & yelled those sweet words
    She is my lover my wife my only woman till' I heard
    .
    .
    .
    .
    She was with my best friend this isn't possible right?
    She moved aside n' he appears blurred n dark as night
    But I was able to focus upon his face enough to tell
    But I wasn't believing he'd do this my hands I can't feel
    But I arose to my feet so swift with no pain in my ankles
    I raised my hands to his throat,squeezed,he'd been strangled
    I blinked slowly the crowd was moving to the exit cluttered
    I rushed to the power box,ripped the cables,screams stuttered
    I approached them in the parking lots no light it's almost done
    The screams were of those with flashlights.."Here I come"
    The brave men yelled as they tripped n' often stumbled
    The cars were rev'd giving away my position with high beams
    The lights gave away her position,a gun,that is what it seemed
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    This is the final sequence it's all over she must now die
    I searched my pants leg for my gun,nothing what if I...
    ..............I gave it to her so it was what I thought it was
    She appeared from a VolksWagen shots were fired cause
    She was startled by an innocent mans resemblence of me
    He hit the ground the bullet was in n out hit the car lights see
    A dark spot what I needed...I snuck behind her caught her hair
    Pulled her in close this is where the fear subsided n death was near
    I whispered in her ear that I've planted C4 all around
    I reached in my coat pocket,pressed the button,left No One.
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    wow Fallen i didnt know you could write like this. but yeah, your structure was awesome. you didnt make it choppy and was easy to read. your wordplay was good and you used some good vocab. and your opener and closer were nice. overall 8.5/10. holla!

  3. #3
    The Drama Club
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    Last edited by FallenAngel; June 14th, 2006 at 09:15 PM
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  4. #4
    NONCENTZ AKA WORD~PERFECT noncentz's Avatar
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    this was perfect i really cant find anything seriously lacking just raw talent beauty yet gritty mad props

  5. #5
    The Drama Club
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    Thank You.Leave a link bro I know you have some recent work too.
    Upp
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Awards OM HOF
    This was a very nice peice...I really enjoyed reading it...you had great imagery and the structure made it very easy to read.....the emotion was also top notch in this peice......I loved the storyline and you had great concepts here....all that I can critisce on this peice is that it lacked complex vocabulary which I always like to see in peice that I read,but that's just my personal opinion. No doubt this was a very good peice and you have a lot of talent.....props dude.

    Return The Favour
    Last edited by Witty; June 15th, 2006 at 03:38 PM

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  7. #7
    The Drama Club
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    Thank You.
    Uppin.
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  8. #8
    The Drama Club
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    Fo' real lookin for more feed. Upp.
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  9. #9
    Soule
    Guest
    Hmm.

    Wordplay: 10
    Flow: 10
    Structre: 7
    Creativity: 9
    Story: 10

    If i gave you a 8 or lower werk on that section pelase.

    Great peice man. Can you hit up my poem "To Kill" it's in the poetic Scriptures are. Peace.

  10. #10
    The Drama Club
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    Sure.Word n' Thank You.

    Upps
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  11. #11
    The Drama Club
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    Dont Sleep On This
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  12. #12
    -Arts Form of Humanity
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    Don't get too cocky because of these wack newby feedbacks. The piece was ok, but nowhere near perfect. It was the type of plotline that would have ben better executed in a short story, and a lot was left to desire in this Open Mic. At times it felt quite rushed and was little to no insight into the main guys psyche and he appeared quite unfulfilled and shallow. Your rhyme scheme also jumped out at me as over basic and the lack of multies kind of made the piece a little boring at times.

    Quote Originally Posted by Big Pun
    I was the luckiest man on earth, my wisdom was worth
    Any purse but had a curse that hurt worse than giving birth
    ^Notice how he used internal rhyming to improve the complexity and flow of his work? You should aim to do the same. Rhyme the last two words of each line and the flow will greatly improve.

    'I approached them in the parking lots no light it's almost done
    The screams were of those with flashlights.."Here I come"

    I hated that line. NEVER put corny dialogue like 'here I come' just to rhyme the first line. If you're gonna make speech in an Open mic make the whole bar about speech.

    Anyway keep at it and keep reading more xomplex pieces and you'll get better. Don't take my crticisims badly, I'm brutally honest.

    Peace.
    Written Voices.
    Verbal Intercourse.

  13. #13
    The Drama Club
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    Don't get too cocky because of these wack newby feedbacks. The piece was ok, but nowhere near perfect. It was the type of plotline that would have ben better executed in a short story, and a lot was left to desire in this Open Mic. At times it felt quite rushed and was little to no insight into the main guys psyche and he appeared quite unfulfilled and shallow. Your rhyme scheme also jumped out at me as over basic and the lack of multies kind of made the piece a little boring at times.
    If you've read my past Oms then it does lead to his main psyche.
    &
    WTF I'm getting big headed? LMFAO @ newbish feedback. I never said "I'm so big headed now woot I'm the greatest" & when he said it was perfect he was comparing it to my past Oms.
    'I approached them in the parking lots no light it's almost done
    The screams were of those with flashlights.."Here I come"

    I hated that line. NEVER put corny dialogue like 'here I come' just to rhyme the first line. If you're gonna make speech in an Open mic make the whole bar about speech.
    Meh that's followed up in the bars after that. You suck at feedback. & the people who left feed aren't newbs.

    ^Notice how he used internal rhyming to improve the complexity and flow of his work? You should aim to do the same. Rhyme the last two words of each line and the flow will greatly improve.
    WTF again. I've done that in past Oms. I personally don't Njoi doing it as much anymore. You actually managed to piss me off a bit.

    Upp & Affliction don't leave feed in my Oms unless you've researched my work first.
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

  14. #14
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Stop beefing dude. It's constructive criticism.

    Peace man. peace.

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  15. #15
    The Drama Club
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    Stop beefing dude. It's constructive criticism.

    Peace man. peace.
    Word word......................the lil'bastard has somethin against me I know it.

    UPP.
    Life Is 10% What Happens To You;
    90% How You React To It.

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