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Thread: E's Changes

  1. #1
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    E's Changes

    We all had dreams of Makin it untill that fatill day of our lives came
    young adult confused in all ways but me and him are the same
    The incident
    E was walkin home from high school when some dude came upon him
    Drawin him sayin theres a life beyond hymnals so come wit me slim
    Lil E was guilable,went with this dude, dint kno he would neva come back
    No he wasn’t kidnapped,, more like persuaded by a gat
    He had 1 choice, help this dude sell this dope, no other way, NO HOPE
    E choice of sellin the dope, the guy put a gun to his throught and said
    “If u don’t sell my dope, ill kill ur family son u got that”
    O I got that sir left the car askin should I run away and neva come back
    But then wat would happen 2 my family o I could never live wit the guilt
    Then he thinks about the Rep he built but he rather sell drugs than get kilt
    So he started tryin to sell the shit 2 his friends but they said no and ran away
    Lil E said “ stay please” but they jus walked away and said sellin drugs is gay
    is he gonna have 2 sell that shit on the streets around police
    trys to run he will cease to exist. But the chance of him sellin dis is a crease
    He trys to go home and hide the big bag of white powder
    comin up the steps is his parents. There foot steps only getting louder
    Hide It Hide It E, so he stuffs it under his bed
    A,his dad see’s and all they do for the rest of the night is punch in his head
    E runs away cryin, his moral dyin, for the next few days he sleeps in a shelter, they ask him wats the white stuff
    …………………………...all hes doin now is lyin

    The changes
    Runs away the next not knowing were to go or whom 2 go to
    clothes are torn, smells like a bum people look at him like he belongs in the zoo
    E's attitude is changing hes gettin meaner and tougher so he looks for a gun
    been away from home for a good 2 weeks now but sellin dis shit still isnt fun
    Only sold 3 bags......thats about 9 pounds so he has some cash
    nigga who gave him da shit take 95% of it and gave him a whole new stash
    dont worry bout ur parents they resent havin u...so u have nothin 2 miss

    E dose he loved his parents and his home and his girls gentle kiss
    The man said after this life E theres no chance of heaven
    E dosnt want 2 live wit saten so he lives haten on the man but he lives in his basement
    hes literally a slave goes out in the morning and comes back at night
    doin this mans dirty work even fighten his fights......
    .......................in the crack world he has no rights
    been almost a year so the police stop looken and e stoped booken
    go 2 visit his school but finds his old girl was tooken
    every things differnt e has respect on the streets as the youngest seller
    still oblivous 2 the fact he has enemys. hes blind and death like hellen keller
    one day hes doin regular deal and brings the money back 2 the high man
    but realizes he is has power now so shoots that nigga, burns him and watches his body turn into sand
    18 now and is the almighty king of the block......aka the king pin
    but some times he see's his old friends and see's wat he couldve been

  2. #2

  3. #3
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Ok.

    You need a lot of practice, use better vocabulary,
    better flow scheme, better content, word usage
    etc. Before you ever drop an Open Mic piece or any
    piece that someone you know is going to read make sure
    your spelling is correct. I actually left this thread but
    something told me to help you out. Can't always critique
    great work have to help out the ones who really need help
    . So take my word of advice. Go read some good Open Mics
    stories etc compare and contrast etc and apply it to your pieces.
    Better flow scheme to keep it a nice smooth read. Better content
    to keep the reader interested. Better vocabulary and word usage
    so that you can be more discriptive with imagery...



    Just keep practicing proof-read and stuff yeah.
    peace.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! chitown_mex11's Avatar
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    yeah u need work but dont get down homie we all get better eventually--the flow was smooth in my opinion but u really need to get more complex wit it and yeah use some better vocab, your linez are long try to cut them down a lil~stay up

  5. #5
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    thanks for the feed........uppin

  6. #6
    Newbie
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    uppin 2.......

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    it was iight.. somethings alil boring to read.. draged out.. but ur iight.. keep elevaitng.. keep ya OM mind open n shyt.. u kno stay up

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  8. #8
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    thanx uppin

  9. #9
    Dope Inc.
    Guest
    structure was messed up cuz ya lines were stretched
    flow was meh, i guess ok....rhyme scheme was good
    vocab needs elevation, imagery was ok elevate on that too
    overall this was a descent peice..you got potential
    peace~

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