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Thread: jealousy is envy

  1. #1
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    jealousy is envy

    peering thru my window the 1st second i sensed the fear in you
    queer twitchin moves as u jump n scatter showing the deer-in-u
    runnin to ya car stumbiling over bushes showin the beer in you
    i enter. coming outta the showdows ya face turning adherent blue.
    my duce 2 cocked back, right at cha temple i aim at
    but decide to unload under your chest right into ya six pack
    strap some duct tape around ya wrists behind ya back.
    answers ta my questions needa b solved quicker then sheffield swingin a bat.
    whys this cat unstraped enterin a niggas flat, dudes lucky i didnt twist his cap
    kickin him in the kitchen as my baby mommas screamin n bitchin
    sayin its her cousin from way back n hes just visitin.
    but i can't listen so many thoughts goin thru my head as im rippin
    the duct tape off his face thinkin no words better be missin.
    dudes body is twichin, coughin up blood words mumblein like n egyptin
    screamin why the fuck you at my house at 2 oclock in the mornin
    my voice tremblin n roarin, askin him again cuz the next shot'll b perment
    my baby's crys are lurin in, my cheatin wifes words chirpin in
    kickin him in the stomach tryn to get this bitch to get a fuckin word in
    finnally, slowly speakin this storry definetly made my stomach weaken
    explain that he just caught his wife red handedly cheatin
    it was their anniversery he was gunna surprise her wit a trip for the weekend
    in the bahamas drinkin champagne, steadily beating, and good eating.
    see he had got outta work 4 hrs late at around 12
    sposed to meet his wife at a nice italian spot on the corner of elm.
    figured she was furious he bought a bundle of roses n a bottle of belve
    cuz the illustrious happenings definately put him deep at the bottom like hell
    so he raced home smile on his face bumpin that song from mobb deep n 112
    pulled up to his crib motionin the door open slowly like he was dopin
    it smelt like burnt ganga and somethin a lil bit like lotion
    hopin his wife was still wide awake or even had her eyes a lil bit open
    as he got deeper into his kingdom he could see some nike sneakers
    embeded in the thong he bought his wife from victoria secrets last easter
    see them shoes were cheaper n def. a couple of sizes deeper
    hollowness entered his abdomen like 1000 african men comin after him
    turnin the color of plastered vents, hearin giggles echo ripped into him
    so he motioned his head witnessin actions that made himself wanna be dead
    tip-toeing to his 45 stashed right under his baby daughters bed
    runnin out the house, screechin his tires as he left
    death enters his head as hes gasping tryin to catch his breath
    parkin next to the projects when they were kids n first met.
    cockin back the hammer wit the hammer pressed to his chest
    sweat drippin off his finger, switchin the gat to his left
    countin back from ten, thinkin what the fuck happend to them
    9, remeberin when time they would climb trees seein what they would find
    8, thinkin how the relationship was great n how she should be put on a stake
    7, remenisin when they were 11, kissin was the closest he would get to heave
    6, feelin sick wonderin what the fuck she would think
    couldnt even reach 5 <ring> wonderin who could be callin him at this time
    hearin his cousin's gentle voice was definetly one of a kind
    soothin at the right time, askin what he's doin, speech speedin tryin to lie,
    tellin her that he needed to talk he had a lot on his mind
    he entered my house n unloaded unable to speak sobbin n choakin
    my baby momma given him all the possible soothin n loathin.
    his storry ends like that, unable to speak he trembles n passed out
    unable to speak i puke like that exorsist bitch possesssed by deamons
    silently screamin realizin that i commited homicide brings tears to me
    feelin light headed, not knowin what to do this situations scarin me
    aimin my pistol contimplating killin my family, hell nah actually
    cock back envisionin the grim reaper starin wit a slim grin
    click clack no turnin back my brains splatter commitin a horrible sin.



    uppin for comments












    :realist:

  2. #2

  3. #3

  4. #4
    a spades a spade th-C's Avatar
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    bad structure, try to shorten your lines so it makes it easier to read you know...........................

    his storry ends like that, unable to speak he trembles n passed out
    unable to speak i puke like that exorsist bitch possesssed by deamons
    silently screamin realizin that i commited homicide brings tears to me
    feelin light headed, not knowin what to do this situations scarin me

    liked those lines, seems like you got some deep shit
    :RBman:

  5. #5
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    good lookin brotha uppin

  6. #6
    The structure wasn't all that great, but nontheless, the whole piece is still very good. Seems like it would be a pretty nice track to record.
    R.I.P. Big Proof

  7. #7
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    good looking out man still uppin gimme some critiquin

  8. #8
    .:The Topical Guru:. Trema's Avatar
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    ...

    I agree with the rest the structure is poor. But the piece was an enjoyable read for me. Your vocab wasnt as good as it could be but the piece was a good read. You had a steady flow nearly all the way through, u stayed on topic and that made the piece ayt. This was a nice piece and i felt it.

    Your structure needs to be sorted. Maybe u shud try shortening your lines a lil and making the whole piece fit better, but serious apart from that this was a good piece.
    written voices makes hidden noises

  9. #9
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    good looks yeah imma try to make my lines shorter i think that would def. make my structure better but UPPPPPPPPPPPPPIN cmon ya'll just take the time n read it

  10. #10
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    uppin

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