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Thread: Water Under the Bridge

  1. #1
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    Water Under the Bridge

    Water Under the Bridge
    - Te Ora

    Often they’d choose - on chairs they traded their views
    Coaxing & hoping the other be persuaded to lose
    When one of their ego’s became… jaded and bruised
    He’d remove himself quickly –
    Slowly waited and mused
    Before returning… where upon, he stated amused
    A compelling inconsistency, which truncated their truce
    They debated the news, anything which roused a dispute
    Despite their differences they both housed one truth…

    An opinion or view,
    Must be meticulously brewed
    To perfection…
    Then vehemently defended
    Because when its surrended
    Rendered untended & ended
    Or left in the stand
    Conformity occurs,
    “Conformity is the death of a man”

    Weakness… so solemn men are granted meekness
    Great minds think alike, they were each others anti-thesis
    Each day they ranted – in attempts to leave the other speechless
    But each day victory…
    Stood barely beyond each of their reaches
    One would rarely be fond, to see the other seated
    On lunch breaks… aware, that near, another heated
    Argument loomed, another argument doomed
    To end in an agreement :
    To disagree – yet their targets consumed
    Them… as they threw darts
    At new parts of carefully constructed notions
    … their dearly conducted devotions
    Became subject of the commotion

    The son of our holy father, a wholly martyr…
    Who was crucified on the cross, to solely carter –
    For our sins… to barter, for our second chances
    And garnered to beckon all of our reckoned stances
    One stated, “Jesus was a Jew until the day he died!”
    The other, a devoted Christian, cried…
    “BLASPHEMY! All that you say is lies!”
    Displayed his pride, in his hand lay a cross
    He shook it fervently, to get his point across
    But felt anointed loss…
    When the Jewish man shook his head,
    Silently stared, giving him a look of dread -
    Then took his bread, from the lunch table
    Left the Christian seething, as his punch failed…
    To hit anything… but that lunch table

    Worse case –
    A few days later water crept under the bridge
    Minutes away from their workplace
    An ambient glow descended & meandered on flow
    As ripples swept onto the rocks –
    Where lay a slanderous show
    This mantle was low…
    & might require a candle to show
    It’s secret – beneath the bridge, the steadiest of drops
    In between the ridges & crevasses of rocks
    The Everest of shocks entailed if one saw
    The trail of entrails, spread on the shore
    Shreds of this gore sprang from a mangled body
    Which angled oddly – yielded to adapt
    Slapped, trapped… against the boulders
    Which formed a shield for it’s back
    & submerged the head, which converged instead
    With shallow waters & merged with filth
    … Minutes away a man splurged his guilt
    Passed the time, with a glass of wine
    Drunk & forgotten
    While the body conformed to slip… & sunk to the bottom
    On the verge of this perk –
    An eyeball lifted from the scene, emerged from the murk
    … & drifted down the stream

    Did one of the men die?
    If so which one?
    In what way did he die?
    How far will you take your views?


    * To avoid confusion I wish to state that Te Ora is the name I am going to be writing under... until I can get a name change

    Speak Heaven
    With Rap, Comes Blood.
    Last edited by This Aint Beef; June 22nd, 2006 at 02:28 AM

  2. #2
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    Perhaps if I request feed. . .

  3. #3
    That was pretty good eh, It kept me interested the whole way through, you got talent,....... however there was a few points where I lost the flow, but still sounded good. Structure was pretty tight, had the beginning, middle an end, and link em all together pretty well, Nice rhymes complemented it, but overall great story telling, keep it up an I wanna see more.

  4. #4
    this was a played topic but yet a nice diffrent unique approach towards the topic man nice emotion and vocab was really feeling this drop. i liked your twist ion the stroy telling and the multie execution of vocab mayne really nice...

    stay up and RTF on the links in my sig please!
    <<The real Renegade

  5. #5
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    Feed much appreciated. I'll get to rtf on your links a little later. Up.

  6. #6
    Innovator.
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    Holy shit. This was dopeasfuck. The imagery was profound, yet you kept it fast paced with the rhyming. The first stanza was my favorite because the flow was the smoothest and it drew me into your story a lot more. The only thing I didn't like..or let me say..was 'confusing' was when you transitioned into a 3 line rhyming style. I lost the flow for a little bit, but it picked back up..anyway..this was niiiiice...the story was well developed. nothing was too vague or too profound, so much so that it went over my head. this was good. i'm nominating it. good shit.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  7. #7
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    Wow thnx a lot. Too bad the HOF nomination thread is closed aha. Uppin for feed.

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Up. . .

  9. #9
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    Gay.

  10. #10
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    This was good... interestin & structure well for a easy flow
    I liked the 2nd & 3rd mains the most... the 1st not so much but still was good
    4th was ok but i think the rest of it was much better imo

    Weakness… so solemn men are granted meekness
    Great minds think alike, they were each others anti-thesis
    Each day they ranted – in attempts to leave the other speechless
    But each day victory…
    Stood barely beyond each of their reaches


    That shit right there was nice as... best part by far

    One stated, “Jesus was a Jew until the day he died!”
    The other, a devoted Christian, cried…
    “BLASPHEMY! The words you say are lies!”
    Displayed his pride, in his hand lay a cross
    He shook it fervently, to get his point across


    Like this bit too... dope imagery... felt this

    I was keep interested the whole way through... cept maybe the last few lines
    Only cos the 4th was decent but it jus didn't stand out to me like the rest

    Nice shit though man for real... keep that shit up

  11. #11
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    this was good, I liked it all.......good flow and structure, good story

  12. #12
    good peice...topic was mad different and pretty interesting
    flow was nice throughout. good strucutre
    imagery and vocab was nice..good rhymes
    overall this was a good peice.keep it up.

  13. #13
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    Thnx...

    Up.

  14. #14
    bestdeepthroatalive
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    this the rawest i heard so far

    i aint read the whole thing tho but the first part was nice

  15. #15
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    Thnx yall. Last up.

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