Swallowed And Gutted

[P. Mortuus]

uppity up up

[Sfinx]

Yeah. I liked this.

You instantly grabbed my attention with your opening line. The alliteration really hoped it to flow. I also like your rhyme scheme, Not too basic, but you didnt force anything either.

I also like your take on the topic.

Heartbroken man swallowed by pains and torment
The matter rules the mind, rubbishing lover’s intent
Grief of the lone lover in lone midsummer sheets
Reminiscing love they would make in summery heats
Yet the lover alone, the heat of stoves warms him now
Asks lord questions about her, where, why and how

I thought those were your best lines. They got the point across the best.

Stay up, Keep Writing.

Check my piece, When The Ink Dries.

[P. Mortuus]

preciate it, i'll check the link in a sec

[P. Mortuus]

last uppin

[Rancor]

Uppin'

[Atti]

I didn't really like this which dissapointed me. Because I found alot of solitary lines and phrases that I loved, but as a whole the piece just never really came together for me. Alot of times I felt like you had very awkward wording and the length of the lines destroyed the flow because you didn't really utilize any internal rhyme shcemes. The content in itself was brilliant though, and that is why I was beating myself up to try and really love this. Vocab and metaphor came together for a beautiful match and the storyline just meshed even better. It's just the subtle wording issues and rhyming was what lost it for me. Sorry man, stay up.

[Rancor]

Preciate honest comments and yeah i see what you getting at and hopefully i'll resolve that in my next works