Gone Fishing

[So.Fist.Acated]

This one isn't as lyrically well put together as i normally write. it is simply my thoughts put into a verse and is really important to me. I didn't worry about multis and lyrical essentials as i would normally do on this piece and simply focused on the meaning of this verse... hope you all like.. i want some good feedback.

Gone Fishing

Once again upon my door, I place the familiar words "Gone Fishing"
Dawn's slipping, fading into the day. I'm just a swan wishing
I was one of the ugly ducklings, everyday, desire for tomorrow
And yet I find myself here again, fishing in the mire of sorrow
In solitude my mind travels, as my babble forms this spoken art
I reminisce on our cheers as my tears fuel the river of broken hearts
I'm torn apart from my mind, mentally I'm left stranded aloof
Single-handed, no proof, the best catch I ever landed was you
I'm internally branded with that truth, so now I can never forget
Is there something I could have done? And now I forever regret
Losing you. Now i spend countless hours, hoping you'll take my bait
You can't be gone, I need to prove me wrong, I try to shake my fate
I pray that it's not to late, although I can’t help but to fear it
There's a missing gap in my heart, you're the jump I need to clear it
Your presence simply lifts my spirits, like I embrace a hug with my God
I want you to bite and pull me in towards you, not just tug on my rod
You could always take me to unreachable heights, leave me right at the peak
And they say there are many fish in the sea, but none quite as unique
I feel weightless around you, you're what makes me able to float
And I thought I reeled you close to me, but then u swam away from he boat
My stomach flutters in awe and hope, whenever you toss me a glance
Leave me lost in a trance, hoping that there's possibly a chance
Thoughts of romance, I daily pray that I'm not mistaking the fact
Of the idea that you might be falling again, and considering taking me back
You're sweet shyness conceals it, but the love remains insistent
I want you, no I need you to admit it, because it pains to be so distant
Forgive my persistence, but I completely and truly want you to be mine
Just please give me a sign, for the longer it takes, I fear I waste my time
Fuck all the previous lines, I guess there's one thing I try to say
I know from the bottom of my heart, that you are the one that got away

Link 1
Link 2

[So.Fist.Acated]

still no feed... ouch...
im hurt
upp

[-IsIs-]

i like it son. totally the imagery and the meaning and story tellin combined all ravel up into a ball of wisdom for real. the flow was tight, audio style material. the rhymescheme was dope son. i really liked this topic. i liked the metaphor you used with everything. overall ill give a 8.5/10. keep droppin son you got mad potential.

[So.Fist.Acated]

aight thanks 4 da good feed... uppin

[Ea$y]

Wow.. This Was A Powerful Drop Kid..
No Need To Worry, Even The Average
Reader Would Be Able To Identify This
As Dope.. Very Deep And Metaphorical,
This Piece Conveyed Your Emotion Well..

I was one of the ugly ducklings, everyday, desire for tomorrow
And yet I find myself here again, fishing in the mire of sorrow
In solitude my mind travels, as my babble forms this spoken art
I reminisce on our cheers as my tears fuel the river of broken hearts

Very Nicely Put Together..

My stomach flutters in awe and hope, whenever you toss me a glance
Leave me lost in a trance, hoping that there's possibly a chance
Thoughts of romance, I daily pray that I'm not mistaking the fact
Of the idea that you might be falling again, and considering taking me back

Dont You Hate Not Being Able To Read Minds?
It Would Provide So Much Levity In This Situation..
Again, Very Nice..

Please Return The Favor..

[Boris Funk]

yeah, its ok buut, not really my kinda thing-

constructive critique...

bars too long, subject too she-left-me, at least

mistaken the fact/taken me back, like the double rhymes nice, but stll really structured, every line the sylables are almost consistant. some variation makes it a lot more exciting

[So.Fist.Acated]

aight thanks 4 tha feed uppin..
.and yo ea$y drop me a link

[So.Fist.Acated]

errrg
rise 2 tha top

[Syk.iLL]

How is the piece good? Well the concept is what makes it good. I mean its a love poem when you deconstruct it but I liked the context you used it in fishing. Rhyming was on point throughout the piece which is good. it gave great imagery and emotion which was what this piece was built on which I liked. Good job overall and dont worry too much about multies, Id like too see one of your pieces like that.

RTF The Tragedy of Sargon if you have time:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292751

[soulstice.]

yeah i agree with sykill, this was a pretty tight idea, original for the most part. imagery was on point and the structure was very nice too, metaphors strewn throughout the piece helped as well. excellent job

[So.Fist.Acated]

aight thanks 4 da good feed, upp

[So.Fist.Acated]

Uppin again...
drop a link i rtf.

[mc pyro.]

yo nice peice man imagery where do i start amazin through out the whole thing every line was like a painting great with that the rhyming was also great complex and shit like that the flow was consistant but i think you could of made it go along wit ya peice a lil better poetic rap which is always good to see somethin different i also saw some good vocb in there nuttin really to complain about stay up great job wit this

[So.Fist.Acated]

alright thanks 4 the feed...

[noncentz]

i like it son. totally the imagery and the meaning and story tellin combined all ravel up into a ball of wisdom for real. the flow was tight, audio style material. the rhymescheme was dope son. i really liked this topic. i liked the metaphor you used with everything. overall ill give a 8.5/10. keep droppin son you got mad potential.

i feel this and yeah you have nmad skill the metas were there no real climax but never the less a hot read