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Last edited by Richard Parker; August 25th, 2014 at 05:39 PM
NICE drop!. really a nice topic man! nice approacha nd delivery on this!.. real good emotion and str8 creativity. vocab used is very executes with excellence!. the multies used in this was really good!. i think you did a very great job on this! it flowed well!.
RTF on the OM's in my sig please!
on the battle to if ya can.
Open Mic
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Written Voices
nice piece man, flow was dope, and the rhyme scheme was complex throughout the entire piece, which is very good, the inners were tight, and they helped the flow a lot... i liked the multie/inner rhyme scheme too.. the last line seemed just a little bit forced though... good piece though
hit up technicolor angel.. the link is in my sig
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still waiting for RTF's^^Soultice drop feed on my shit too!.
Open Mic
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Written Voices
Yeah.
Harmony's nightmare Isn't stupidity its lack of caring for focus
I always said when you lose your daring you're hopeless
But Now since the divorce I feel lost & tossed to the side
My parents had a roller coaster marriage & lost what it costed to ride..
Ill as fuck
&
so I can't stay open, when the world is shut out
tears evaporate from my face & make a cloud full of doubts
OMG. had this been longer it would've been the shit. love the emotion in this peice.
ok flow. Reply to my Una Palabra now.
Always Impervious an Axis Power.
Supermod Me.
This Is A Real Topic Right Here, Suttin Mad Heads On This
Site Can Relate To.. This Piece Was Nice, Flow Was On Point
Throughout, Without Any Loss In Meaning Or Lyrical Value..
Very Nice..
But Now since the divorce I feel lost & tossed to the side
My parents had a roller coaster marriage & lost what it costed to ride..
Ridiculous..
since then I'm rejected & useless. . pushed to one place or another
& Siblings have drug problems. I can't look in the face of my brother
Cuz all i see is my mother, correcting our faults & mistakes
Thats Some Real Shit I Can Relate To Kid..
Yo If You Ever Wanna Get Up On A Topical
Collab On Suttin Like This I'd Be More Than
Interested, Peep My Link And PM Me If You
Are Interested In Working With Me.. Ea$y..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292429
sickermore flo still f'sho....rhymes was worked well . but mostly basic.tho the rhymes being multies added good rythym and focus.so yeah was worked well... and could of had more complex touches . but shit flown well still kid..had sum swell emotion u sure packed that in between the lines. yeah
But I let it happen, they sat us down & made me go along
I thought they wouldn't sin. it hurts how that notions wrong
so I can't stay open, when the world is shut out
tears evaporate from my face & make a cloud full of doubts
but thats what its about. . memories of bad times, i hide it inside
but I'll never forget how my sister sat there & silently cried
tite ish f'sho
pz1
excellent peice. very nice topic. and very nice flow.
good vocab usage here and there.good emotion overall.
And overall this peice was very good. I liked it.
Keep it up. PEace~
This was a good drop. I liked it because you had a lot of emotion in this peace, but work on evening out your lines a little. Some were kind of short, and some long. Your metaphors were good in this peace, and I liked this a lot.
Nice.
Evening out the lines? Pssh
But yeah, the vocab was really simple. I wasn't in the right state of mind to worry about stuff like that though.
Ok short piece but touch me on a personal note
because my mother and father are divorced. This
topical relates too many other individuals as well.
Your scheme was simple on this drop but it was
pretty good though short however. But yeah
your content was on point how family relationships
break due to mother and father drama and the siblings
suffer from it. Anyways try to use more emotion and
better wording to express yourself which I am pretty
sure you can do. And if it is going to be short throw
something in your piece that will shock the reader which
can be hard at times but that's the fun thing about writing
pieces.
"tears evaporate from my face & make a cloud full of doubts"
The line that stood out the most if each line was like this
this piece would have been by far dope. But if you ask me
I think you sorta rushed this.
Overall an OK short piece.
Peace.
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Last edited by Richard Parker; August 25th, 2014 at 05:39 PM
yup there was def some emotion in it and a tight flow
just work on the format i guess, but it was really descriptive
good job~l8erz
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