"cloud eightn'ahalf"

[Atti]

The mute met the cross
Wrapped in ivory corn husks,
Before dusk ran into the past
And met today's mangled bear trap.
The rats screamed, lost;
The Piper only smokes crack now.
Follow that tune, right into
Yesterdays velvet glory hole.

The llamas guard the sand castle;
Lucy's best friend coughs blood
As cloud 9 cries on African orphans.
Lock lips and touch the heavens,
They'll touch you back...
The bible got stuck in a vice,
Sipped his wine: tighter the better.

The poet tree's gut wrenching bark
Blooms envy evergreen,
Before it shits out a dollar.
Black collar rolls in the piss
Sipping yesteryears inspiration,
As white tops wear blue jeans
And dance in hollow faces.

Chaos fucked peace,
She thought it was lovely...
To be wed the next summer day,
But Adam ran off to be with the Eve.
Keep catching the angels spit
While looking up to find that
Bronze clouds silver lining.

We've all got cancer, eat up,
There's plenty to go around.

I've forgotten what it's like to
Touch the angst of the ground.
The Grinch stole this flight,
The last 12 steps to heaven
Haven't yet been replaced.

Caught between the evergreens
And a center piece of neon blush,
I'll wait for the past to come back...
All alone, here on cloud eightn'ahalf.

[P. Mortuus]

Hmmm this was well strange, as in whilst reading it i felt you incorporated various elements or characters from well know tales. That was good but i didn't get the plot or overall message. That rarely happens but i have this has actually washed over me. The language i.e. vocabulary was very good however, certain parts looked forced or put in becuase you coudln't think of anything else, which again is surprising considering your past pieces. The consistency and fluency was good also. I believe that you made this to show the calshes between things i.e. chaos and piece....things that are actually opposites...i can't think of the technical word but i hope you get what i mean. overall a good but rather "unique" poem.

If you have time, leave some comments on this as they are always appreciated.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290637

(How come you changed your name?)

[Atti]

Because I didn't want to be recognized.

[P. Mortuus]

Because I didn't want to be recognized.

well it never worked, lol

[Witty]

this was yet again a very good peice, you once again amazed me with the imagery ni this peice and the concepts that you come up with a simply fantastic,You had brilliant vocab in this peice,and although I didn't understand where the plot was going at times, it was stilla very good read. This peice was as I said very good,but I don't think it was as good as others I have read from you.none the less this was a very enjoyable peice and I can not wait to read more from you.

[RhymeSwift]

Wierd To Me.but Simple In The Thought Of Centering Your Main Idea To Be The Best Focus Of The Poem.............good Peice...................

[Atti]

I don't even understand what the hell you just said.

[Witty]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291105

leave feed on that please...thanks

[LedgenZ]

just think only a half a cloud away...well...so long as the weather stays fair.


Anyway, I thought this was one of your better pieces. Thought the theme wasn't as drawn out and to the point as some of your others, it still spoke volumes and made just as much sense...well at least to me. I really enjoyed the way that this poem was written. It allowed the reader to take from it what he wanted, to formulate his own views and assumptions...to relate on a more personal level than he would if you told him what to think or what it was about. Not to mention you didn't slack at all when it came to taking advantage of your poetic ability, you probably used more wordplay in this piece than I've seen you use in any other poem to date (stress: based on what I've seen). the juxtaposition of the paradox was uncanny and created one hell of a dramatic delima...as well as an excellent read.

I really got what you were trying to do here even if I have trouble putting it in to words.... believe me it was effective...


once again great job!

[LedgenZ]

Wierd To Me.but Simple In The Thought Of Centering Your Main Idea To Be The Best Focus Of The Poem.............good Peice...................

I don't even understand what the hell you just said.

lmfao...

[Atti]

Lmao, word, people try to hard to sound smart sometimes. Thanks alot for the feed on everything Ledge, our collab is finally up aswell... It's in PS and Om, but I'm trying to push it more as an Om so feed it there.