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Thread: Rigor Mortis

  1. #1
     
    Join Date
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    Rigor Mortis

    Rigor Mortis

    Darkness creeps in ever so slowly like
    an eerieness that grabs hold of the soul.
    Curdling blood that coagulates in the
    night, while it cannot seep slowly from
    wounds, it globs and makes a mess as
    it splats upon the floor just the same.

    .
    To be trapped in a fire with the flames searing my skin.
    Acrid smoke burning my lungs; in my mind the screaming begins.
    Those terrible moments when death is my escape.
    When panic fills my mind knowing my doom awaits.
    No other death scares me more than to die as the flames burn my skin.
    My mind screaming in pain right to the very end
    Trickling little droplets of crimson, Tickling down my chin
    Drunk of you I have, Taken you deep within
    Now your life is mine. For within each drop I consume
    Leaves you bleeding profusely, Drenching my senses through and through
    The quiet room is overcast with longings of insanity
    Stale familiar secrets rudely waltz right through my mind
    I've lost my moving thoughts, madness leaking untrained vanities
    My unwashed face is pale, your penetrating gaze is most unkind
    I'm past the point of gummybears, starbursts oozing from my brain
    I've glimpsed what lies behind the truth, desperado inklings
    Just another clinking part, reactionary's bolted chain
    Dispassion reigns in haunted eyes, consumed with black hole tinklings
    Inject a bit of poison's magic, evil wrapped in cellophane
    Committing crimes of self-delusion, delirium's henbane
    Dangerous deceptions, dazzling ballgowns dressed in white
    Caked with heavy streaks of mud, disappointing blight
    No longer graceful, beautiful, the primal voice invades
    Harsh deceitful lies, no clapping hands of accolade
    Eerie midnight writhings, ruined words and phrases set a new refrain
    Abandoned consummation, just another fawning doe named Jane
    Screaming eyes, distorted faces, Reaching up to take a hold
    Skinless hands from unknown places, Wanting to consume my soul
    All my sins come hurling back, Cawing, taunting, flying ‘round
    Disguised as crows and dressed in black, Transfusing ooze for my blood to drown
    Slowly dying with no escape, Smothering, choking scream with fright
    Closing in, the veils opaque, Screaming eyes took me last night
    .
    She sits there, propped up against the
    wall, where she died long ago. Her blood
    congealed with time, yet still drips a little
    at a time. It's only her soul that keeps
    the red oozing through the tiny wound in
    her chest, where her heart was torn
    out. Love lost long ago killed her slowly,
    the ache finally took its toll upon the body.

    .
    first an last is my view of self, of person, of a portal time of the reversal of my life,
    my skin, my course, and the secrets that are kept for once in me.

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  2. #2
     
    Join Date
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  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
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    UK
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    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    well this was vocally beatiful, the rhymescheme wasn't my favourite part of the whole OM but i liked the vocab, it was of a very high standar and made the piece seem intellectually viable. I liked the imagery and some lines were classics. I cannot find much mistakes in this, perhaps, the structure and form are the weakest part of this OM. I believe the structure is the only thing you can work on but other than that this is truly a great piece...in my point of view.

    Stale familiar secrets rudely waltz right through my mind
    The line of the piece.

    When you have time, i'll appreciate your comments on this piece
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290637
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  4. #4
     
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    ok. I'll feed soon.

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  5. #5
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    Wow. I really liked this piece. I felt the emotion of it. The vocab was there as well as miscellaneous multi's. I liked the beginning and end also. Gave me an insight. Keep it up man. Also, can you leave some feed on my OM in my sig? It's called Crying Soul. I'm trying to elevate.

  6. #6
     
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    thanks.

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  7. #7
    Innovator.
    Join Date
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    Your imagery was on point. Word choice was above average. Biggest flaw in this piece was your rhyme scheme for the simple fact that you didn't have one at all. Your rhyming was awkward and off at most points. I couldn't find it at all and simply stopped searching for it. I read it as a story instead of a topical. My advice is to read your verses out loud before you post it because it gives you a sense of how it can be read using a variety of fast/slow paced rapping. That's what I do, which is probably why flow is always my best quality in my writing. Just because I can't stand when some of my lines sound off. Despite that, this was an enjoyable read, just work on rhyming better.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  8. #8
     
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    boom banga what?

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