The Hidden Diaries: Sinful Greeds

[P. Mortuus]

I've read what atty said about the piece... I must say although i respect the opinion, i beg to differ..

Personally i thought this was one of the best i've read from you, i really loved your use of metas here, i don't usually see you use them to much effect, but this was definately, not full of them, but where you did place them, they were very well placed and worked, your flow was good man, you know i alike reading your stuff, asnd enjoy reading your pieces, but this reaches to my darker side,lol... I really got into it, to me it was slow to start with, but once you got into it you actually did wow me with some very well worded imagery and emotion, you actually did suprise me here, i havn't seen you drop this well since your hof piece... Well done man, i really enjoyed it.

Feed on my ne wpoem 'dear grandma' if possible man, thanks.

Preciate the comments and yeah i changed the structure after Atticus's comments so it's a lil diff to what he read. Good to see this appeal to the darker side that's what i wanna see, people seeing their bad side as well.
I'll check ya poem now

[P. Mortuus]

uppity up

[Ben A. Newly-Rayped]

yo pak sorry to free post could u leave some feed on my new drop
Heart Crossed

[P. Mortuus]

yo pak sorry to free post could u leave some feed on my new drop
Heart Crossed

No probs, give me a min, i'm goin out in 10 min i'll check it up after that aight

[P. Mortuus]

Last uppin for day

[Vitalsyn]

loved it.. lots of quotables.. your vocabulary was outstandting.. using some mature words throughout the peice.. used in the right way, fitting the definition. a bit long, which might cause it to be slept on throughout some time.. it took me about 3 minutes to read this peice tho.. i enjoyed. your rhyme scheme was a bit simple, ya know? just 1 word rhymes.. try to get it more complicated, more.. tuff to write.. make it funner that way as well. here and there the flow got choppy, not much tho.. there were just to many words in a couple lines. i liked how u used the write type of speech as well, old english. all in all, great peice. keep it up.

[P. Mortuus]

Thanks preciate the comments

[QaaHolic]

good shit
keep
it
up

[P. Mortuus]

preciate the comments

[P. Mortuus]

Last uppin on this for the day

[soulstice.]

Cannibalistic needs caused by sinful greed’s
That come from demonic seeds, man heeds
His heart bleeds, Eternal ones mistake leads

good multies, but it would be better if you worked in multisyllablized them, because the flow was a bit choppy there... overall pretty nice piece, vocab was cool, stan amans thing was smart, and good wordplay... i like this hidden diaries stuff.. nice pieces

hit up This Old Tounge, links in my sig

[P. Mortuus]

Preciate the pointers and i've checked you OM

[B.I.Detained.]

Ok, I've read the piece twice over and I actually liked it. Not for the content itself, but for the fact you are writing pieces that will make me read again. It takes quite a bit for writers on Rb to catch my attention unless I know its gonna be a good read. & for the mechanics, this was good, a little bland in some areas, which made it flow choppy. Aside from the content being over-used, as most religious concepts are, this was cool. If I'm going to read a piece about the belief of a struggle by two major powers such as Satan/God.. I wanna be intrigued and glued to the piece with powerful meta's and comparisons that make your piece stand out, but sadly it didn't hit aswell. Taking nothing away from you, dude.. this was an above average piece, and deserves its props.

[P. Mortuus]

Ok, I've read the piece twice over and I actually liked it. Not for the content itself, but for the fact you are writing pieces that will make me read again. It takes quite a bit for writers on Rb to catch my attention unless I know its gonna be a good read. & for the mechanics, this was good, a little bland in some areas, which made it flow choppy. Aside from the content being over-used, as most religious concepts are, this was cool. If I'm going to read a piece about the belief of a struggle by two major powers such as Satan/God.. I wanna be intrigued and glued to the piece with powerful meta's and comparisons that make your piece stand out, but sadly it didn't hit aswell. Taking nothing away from you, dude.. this was an above average piece, and deserves its props.

Preciate the comments, reason for the whole satan god topic was that this was an ending to the hidden Diaries trioligy

[P. Mortuus]

Shot to the toppin so now i'm uppin'