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Thread: A Perfect World?

  1. May 2nd, 2006, 09:13 PM #1
    Vitalsyn
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    A Perfect World?

    A Perfect World?

    As I leave that filly sweatshop, my organs are vital..
    ...I arrive my vehicles hood, to find a letter entitled:

    "To whomever this may concern."

    As I open the letter, tearing the seal without caution..
    Excited to read the text, my only feelings exhaustion..

    …

    "Im not big, nor am I powerful. But theres this letter I write..
    Coming through the eyes of horror. As I will mention tonight.."

    Dear homosepiens,

    Im here to help your agony. Not happily, as my body has stiffened..
    Where lives have been lost before. But this warning is different..
    In this place there is no Heaven. There is no Hell to think about..
    There is no feelings, there is no inhales. Nor is there breathing out..
    Theres no worries about earthlings. Why did we start this dump?..
    Cause on this journey, there is no task. Not even hearts will pump..
    You ask yourself, where is this place? With the strongest charms..
    But theres no way you may reach its pace. With the longest arms..
    Where you live is filled with mammals, a cannibal is polluting..
    Why hold lions inside of a cage? When the only animals human..
    So please take this one to heart.. And don’t look back on the path..
    Don’t look sad when your mad.. And treat me like shit,
    .................................................. ................When the fact is Im black..
    Laws are to maintain peace.. But have turned to stumbled rules..
    So I ask you put away weapons.. And start packin lunchables..
    We wish this world was perfect.. But nobody is, not even I..
    How humans take pride in there work.. Even when they cheat or lie
    Im not one to talk, or even brag.. And defiantly not ahead of terms
    The truth is, there is no such place..

    …

    ...............I just ask you spread the word...............
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  2. May 2nd, 2006, 09:13 PM #2
    Vitalsyn
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    Enjoy!

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post4402518
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...39#post4402539
    Last edited by Vitalsyn; May 3rd, 2006 at 05:00 PM
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  3. May 2nd, 2006, 09:46 PM #3
    QaaHolic
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    nice good shit
    Wicked Wicked Wicked


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  4. May 2nd, 2006, 09:58 PM #4
    Vitalsyn
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    nice feed, asshole.
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  5. May 3rd, 2006, 05:00 PM #5
    Vitalsyn
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    up.
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  6. May 3rd, 2006, 05:05 PM #6
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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    Im here to help your agony. Not happily, as my body has stiffened..
    Where lives have been lost before. But this warning is different..
    In this place there is no Heaven. There is no Hell to think about..
    There is no feelings, there is no inhales. Nor is there breathing out..
    dope shit
    this was really good i really liked this piece
    ur flow was nice and smooth i dont even think it fell off at all
    ur wordplay wass nice i didnt see anything wrong wit it
    ur strutre was alright it kinda fell cuz it was weird but it was still really good
    tha topic was real nice kinda like mine lol u wrote on it really well and u stayed on tha topic good piece hope to read more from ya homie ~1~
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  7. May 3rd, 2006, 08:59 PM #7
    Vitalsyn
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    thanks alot.
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  8. May 3rd, 2006, 10:54 PM #8
    Vitalsyn
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    c'mon, pricks.
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  9. May 3rd, 2006, 11:03 PM #9
    Freeney
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    Technically you did a decent job, you had some imagery, minimal, but it was there... i thought your choice of vocab was picked very well....i felt that the emotion was there one moment and off the next...to be honest i had trouble reading this piece because it was a boring topic to me and you didnt really put something that would hook me but it is still a good drop, just not appealing to me.


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  10. May 3rd, 2006, 11:28 PM #10
    Vitalsyn
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    cool, thanks. i'll rtf tommrow, im about to pass out right now. and if it wouldnt hurt, do you have any specific things you think i could work on?
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  11. May 3rd, 2006, 11:35 PM #11
    Freeney
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    i just think that you picked a broad/bland topic....dont get me wrong just because it really didnt interest me it wouldnt others...me and you have two totally different writing styles....i think you should work on a hook in the beginning that is going to want to keep the reader wanting more and thats mainly the one thing that was missing...still a good job tho
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  12. May 3rd, 2006, 11:39 PM #12
    Vitalsyn
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    yeah, i picked this topic way back.. and i felt like writing to it couple' days ago.

    thanks tho.
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  13. May 4th, 2006, 02:16 AM #13
    M-A-D
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  14. May 4th, 2006, 07:46 AM #14
    Vitalsyn
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    get the fuck out of here, seriously.
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  15. May 4th, 2006, 08:59 AM #15
    P. Mortuus
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    This was a good piece as in the presentation was excellent and the rhytmic flow was there as well. Imagery was there, maybe not grand imagery but adequate. The language was aight it helped enhance the OM. I reckon this was good with the whole ish ya tryed to portray....keep it up and you'll make your mark

    Check this, if ya gott time, much preciated
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290086
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    TNL
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