User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 23

Thread: The Rich Man and The Poor Man

  1. #1
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0

    The Rich Man and The Poor Man

    America is so hard to understand, for me at least,
    Why are there millionares but people still left with a rat to feast,
    The rich man lives in lavish and security,
    When the poor men and women have to fight for food and purity,


    A rich man goes to work everyday and passes the same man,
    This man is always on the street, alone, with a few pennies in his hand,
    Everyday the poor man asks the rich man for some spare change,
    The old poor man is also sickly in his 80 year old age,
    The rich man walks by like he never hears the ongoing request,
    He grabs his breifcase to his chest and walks clear out his way to the left,
    The poor man can only afford a cup of coffee for the small sum that he made,
    He sees the rich man and gives to him that cup of coffee the next day,
    The rich man looks at him in awe but does not except the drink,
    While he sits in his office he's still wondering and he thinks,
    "Why would this man, so poor and homeless offer me some coffee?",
    "I've never given him anything for him to have the favor to return to me",
    The next morning the poor man dies of starvation in the cold cement street,
    The rich man thinks to himself," God why couldn't I have just gotten him something to eat,"
    The rich man cries and cries for the poor man he didn't get to know,
    While the poor man stares down on him while every tear touches his soul,
    The next day a woman is in the place where the poor man used to lay,
    The rich man sees her and says "I'll be right back, can you please stay?"
    The women says yes to the rich man and she waits for him to come back,
    When he does he takes her to get a cheeseburger and a small snack,
    He cares for her all day and he lets her stay with him the night,
    The poor woman is so happy like she is flying in the clouds on a kite,
    The woman wakes up in the night yelling the rich man's name in alarm,
    The rich man gets to her just in time for her to fall happily dead in his arms,
    Last edited by detremental.; May 1st, 2006 at 09:29 PM

  2. #2
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0

  3. #3
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin this for feedback. this is like my fourth OM. still tryna elevate.

  4. #4
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin for feedback. c'mon man I need it.

  5. #5
    Newbie Mc Cas's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    UK
    Age
    38
    Posts
    36
    Battle Record
    1-3
    yo, now i like this piece, its very deep. theres a couple lines that stick out for me.... "The rich man cries and cries for the poor man he didn't get to know,
    While the poor man stares down on him while every tear touches his soul,"
    although there are parts that can b improved theres always parts that can b improved in any rap, so all in all i like this!

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    I SELL ICE IN THE WINTER, I SELL FIRE IN HELL, I AM A HUSTLER BABY I COULD SELL WATER TO A WELL!

  6. #6
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    Quote Originally Posted by Mc Cas
    yo, now i like this piece, its very deep. theres a couple lines that stick out for me.... "The rich man cries and cries for the poor man he didn't get to know,
    While the poor man stares down on him while every tear touches his soul,"
    although there are parts that can b improved theres always parts that can b improved in any rap, so all in all i like this!
    Thanx man, I appreciate the feedback, and I know I still need more work. uppin for more.

  7. #7
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin for feedback. I definitely need it.

  8. #8
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin this for feedback.

  9. #9
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin this. c'mon I'm trynna get some feedback on this.

  10. #10
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    VA/MD
    Posts
    3,364
    Battle Record
    12-5
    yo this shyt was prety tight man... real nice concept ... this shyt was dope ...i be thinkin about shyt like dat all the time cuz the shyt happens er day n snyt ....i was feelin this on a big level .. cuz nahmean ... if i was n either situations ... i would kno was goin on ...like a story ...nice endin ...nice structe...vocab was meh ...

    overall good piece..
    8/10
    NCred aka Cyrious

  11. #11
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    Quote Originally Posted by .:Shellz:.
    yo this shyt was prety tight man... real nice concept ... this shyt was dope ...i be thinkin about shyt like dat all the time cuz the shyt happens er day n snyt ....i was feelin this on a big level .. cuz nahmean ... if i was n either situations ... i would kno was goin on ...like a story ...nice endin ...nice structe...vocab was meh ...

    overall good piece..
    8/10
    thanx for the feedback man. I'll work on the vocab. uppin for more.

  12. #12
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin for more feedback

  13. #13
    Anybody still here? Freeney's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Age
    40
    Posts
    16,918
    Battle Record
    11-9
    I enjoyed reading this OM because its a topic that i believe everyone can relate to. I liked the mild storytelling/narrative approach you took. You had some good imagery but that could have used a bit more work. Also I think that you need to work on rewording some of your lines because it was choppy at points. but overall pretty good.
    Last edited by Freeney; May 2nd, 2006 at 12:40 AM
    Coronavirus can't get me.

  14. #14
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    Quote Originally Posted by 40grams
    I enjoyed reading this OM because its a topic that i believe everyone can relate to. I liked the mild storytelling/narrative approach you took. You had some good imagery but that could have used a bit more work. Also I think that you need to work on rewording some of your lines because it was choppy at points. but overall pretty good.
    7/10
    thanx for the feedback. I'll work on the wording and imagery. uppin for more.

  15. #15
    Mikey B
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cali
    Age
    35
    Posts
    1,997
    Battle Record
    18-6
    wel well

    I liked this. You had a sorta played topic but put your own spin on it..nice.

    I like your emotions, but you could improve on imagery and vocab.
    Other than those two areas your good to go.

    ~Grim

    please check my new OM-in darkness sphere.

Similar Threads

  1. Music Poor Man's Booth Solution
    By Menace II Society in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: June 5th, 2010, 03:59 AM
  2. Oh, man...those poor Chinese!
    By Born To Kill in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: June 10th, 2009, 10:07 PM
  3. Poor Man's Copyright
    By Brother Blue Collar in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: December 9th, 2008, 07:56 PM
  4. Gin:A Poor Man's Drink
    By Brother Blue Collar in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: September 20th, 2008, 01:43 AM
  5. Only The Poor Man Feel It
    By .Omega. in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: January 22nd, 2006, 10:28 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •