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Thread: Dear Journal...

  1. May 1st, 2006, 12:22 PM #1
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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    Dear Journal...

    Well todays the big day, finally im ready
    I've learned how to shoot and hold my gun steady
    I've been practising for weeks, and now im a master
    and I think it's about time that I begin this diaster
    Bit i'll tell you my plan. since you hold my secrets
    Your basically the only real friend i've ever met
    You haven't been spent, didn't sell out my plots
    It's a shame our long bond will end with a few shots
    Well it's basically like this, I'm gonna kill myself
    Then my mom will get her long and desired wealth
    She'll get money from the country, and be famous as can be
    And this is all my simple way of saying "sorry"
    I've made her stressed, now she has a head without hair
    I've ruined her life, so to make it good is only fair
    Don't worry ma, be easy, rest underneath your covers
    soon this will all be over my dear mother...

    Well nows skools over, and i'm sitting at home
    stroking the gun that'll blow off my dome
    You'd think I'd be sad, but actually i'm not
    If lifes a bitch then death is a nice one thats hot
    Then I thought how my death will tear the world apart
    How directors will fight for the rights to my plot
    and the shot!....dam that shit is gonna b ill
    too bad I won't be around to see my own blood spill
    oh well...Thats one thing I won't get to see
    What's the point of staying here if my mom doesn't love me
    But Journal..am I crazy? for thinking this stuff
    Nah...the world is crazy for making life so tough
    Now just to write a shout out, wait...I have no friends
    Except for my journal, paper, and my pen...
    Only thing left is a time to pick my end
    think west! a time to remember...11:11...

    Well journal, I guess this is good bye old friend
    atleast u'll still be around to preserve my rememberance
    I can just picture it now...the cops finding this
    cryin as the read the mind of a depressed young kid
    I look at my pistol, and admire its shine
    How could such a pretty object take such ugly lives
    Then I look in my mirror...ya I see something
    That something is a loser...an obtainer of nothing
    Everything i've ever held...is what I couldn't hold...
    Only the pieces in my journal have never been told
    Im sorry lord, but this dance, the devils gonna steal
    Now just to act the last chaper in my ordeal
    I grab the picture of my mom, that's lying on my bed
    softly let out a tear and kiss her on her head
    Now where to place the pistol...head, heart, or jaw...
    Oh yea...I forgot...............Happy Birthday Ma....


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288881
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...08#post4392508
    Last edited by Def Angel; May 1st, 2006 at 12:27 PM
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  2. May 1st, 2006, 12:29 PM #2
    babytori489
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    this piece...i cant even explain.
    it was heartfelt.ur flow it was kind of sketchy at first but i got into it.
    it actually got to me.i liked ur ending the most.thats what caught my attention the most.used vocab that was easy to understand which really made it flow right off the tongue.keep it up
    IM FRESHA THAN A MUFUCKA,YEA IM A MUFUCKA

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  3. May 1st, 2006, 02:40 PM #3
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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    thxn uppin some more feed
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  4. May 2nd, 2006, 11:20 AM #4
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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  5. May 2nd, 2006, 03:31 PM #5
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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  6. May 2nd, 2006, 05:11 PM #6
    ~SaDe~
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    aye this shit tight as hell
    the flow was tight also i was feeling the whole topic though because it was on some o' gangsta type shit and you did good with expressin ya feelings towards what you was writin and the shit was long as fuck but you dropped a good piece i enjoyed the whole thing the beginnin came out strong cuz off top you spoke the real
    hot.
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  7. May 3rd, 2006, 11:24 AM #7
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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  8. May 3rd, 2006, 11:56 AM #8
    P. Mortuus
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    This was some good ish...your developing pretty good Def....also, i liked the structure, however it was a lil long, but i reckon the content did justice to the length. The description was good, more metas would add to the creativity...however the suicide thing is a lil played but it was good with the whole "Dear Journal" thing. Flow got better as the story progressed. So, overall a good OM...Keep it Poppin'

    Also, check this OM if ya gotta the time, much preciated:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290086
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  9. May 4th, 2006, 11:50 AM #9
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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    thnx upp
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  10. May 4th, 2006, 12:12 PM #10
    Engivale
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    Another good flow, this one carried on a little bit and had quite a few lines that were choppy, but again a good story and I was pretty intrigued by it all. Also I agree that the ending really made the piece, I didn't really know what I thought of it up until the end and it sold me.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  11. May 7th, 2006, 01:57 PM #11
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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  12. May 7th, 2006, 02:01 PM #12
    LamaGod
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  13. May 7th, 2006, 02:02 PM #13
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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    yes i am so dont say i bit
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  14. May 8th, 2006, 01:53 PM #14
    Ben A. Newly-Rayped
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  15. May 8th, 2006, 02:58 PM #15
    Innovative Mind
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    yeah this was a nice piece i was feeling
    every thing you was saying nice structure
    nice wordplay vocab nice imagination and all that
    keep doing ya thing

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