Hey there!

It looks like you're enjoying Rap Battles Forum but haven't created an account yet. Why not take a minute to register for your own free account now? As a member you get free access to all of our forums and posts plus the ability to post your own messages, communicate directly with other members and much more. Register now!

Already a member? Login at the top of this page to stop seeing this message.

User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: The Poetic Change

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    ♫ Musicity ♪
    Posts
    8,437
    Battle Record
    15-7

    The Poetic Change

    The Poetic Change

    As the vigor pen hit the paper, thoughts came rushing to his mind
    Seeing feared images, remembering his many dreadful past times
    Feeling all those emotions, some avid, and some, very painful finds
    When all the while, his future relies on his willingness to survive

    As he jots the first stanza, his eyes illustrate his first beloved death
    Tossed it aside then, but somehow found its way back to his brain
    Its reign campaigned for many stages, sorrow continues its vain
    Suicidal thoughts, cries an weeps of sorrow, he has no purpose left

    He forgets the poetry; his dearest pains have already done him in
    Internally he yells for help, but the past continues to retain his soul
    Brought down by thoughts, these agonizing burdens take their toll
    He sighs in disbelieve, for his next action that is brought to attention

    As he lifts the knife, his life flashes before his eyes, he’s then ready
    Thoughts before murder never occurred that it was going to be him
    He writes his last note, prays, then turns the light switch on very dim
    Then he drops his knife, laughs, picks up the phone and dials steady

    Then he arrives at the doctor’s clinic, which at last answered his call
    Instead of causing death, he uses his advantage to a change of pride
    This continuous stress has caused him to go a little on the wild side
    With this simple choice of manhood, his new gender will stand tall

    He didn’t kill himself, but all of this pain did do something strange
    Because this poor poet, called the doctor to get a female sex change
    Artificial.Intelligence

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    ♫ Musicity ♪
    Posts
    8,437
    Battle Record
    15-7
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289561
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289576

    I kinda fell off at the end, but hell its original. Plus, I had writers
    block and I have a kidney-stone problem... Ouch.
    Artificial.Intelligence

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    In Your Head
    Posts
    26,914
    Battle Record
    242-30
    Awards LLL HOF PS Champion/IE Champion Legendary OM Legendary Member SS Season Champion SS HW Champion OM HOF FL Champion 200+ Wins Haiku Season Champion
    As the vigor pen hit the paper, thoughts came rushing to his mind
    Seeing feared images, remembering his many dreadful past times
    Feeling all those emotions, some avid, and some, very painful finds
    When all the while, his future relies on his willingness to survive

    As he jots the first stanza, his eyes illustrate his first beloved death
    Tossed it aside then, but somehow found its way back to his brain
    Its reign campaigned for many stages, sorrow continues its vain
    Suicidal thoughts, cries an weeps of sorrow, he has no purpose left
    ^Ok parts

    the piece wasn't as original as you try and make it out to be, but it was alright. the rhythem of the whole piece was deffinatly off. you had no internals or anything like that to back up your statements, so it was more like reading a story than reading a song. you have to read it quickly for it to even flow in your head. the wording and everything you had no problem at all with. your meanings were on point, you didn't just write shit down that didn't make sense, you seemed really edgy towards the end but then almost jumped back on it, sure if it was longer you would've come off it. but it was good. choice of words was great, you just need to work on those internals like i said. keep up the good shit, pz.

    !Nash

  4. #4
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    3,204
    Battle Record
    8-3
    the opening part was my favorite, the piece seemed like a topical battle, because of the twist, seems like you were inspired for the ending of an old rstl battle or something. just remeber, not everything you see vets do is right. the internals were lacking, there were a couple, but regardless you could od better IMO, the rhyme scheme was pretty weird, didnt really work with me, but oh well, its your style, nd its original so that is good... decent piece

    hit up my piece, "Inbetween Dreams"

  5. #5
    taking it to the rear
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    St.Louis
    Age
    35
    Posts
    1,003
    Battle Record
    1-1
    Ill Edit With Feed Soon Pm me a Reminder

  6. #6
    Abraxas
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    1,973
    Battle Record
    13-1
    hmmmmmm....
    Not really your best work.
    Don't get me wrong it's a decent OM.
    The Ending I personally didn't like. But yeah It is Original and well-writen so keep up at it. The imagery was okay at the most same with the emotion.
    Overall. 7.1/10
    Percept Shun

Similar Threads

  1. Poetic Essence
    By Dyl in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 267
    Last Post: February 3rd, 2007, 03:53 PM
  2. Poetic Art.
    By Soule in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: September 24th, 2006, 03:06 PM
  3. Poetic Mathematics
    By .Clever. in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: September 23rd, 2005, 12:13 PM
  4. Poetic Realism
    By Lyriclesolja in forum Closed Poems
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: December 12th, 2003, 01:16 PM
  5. AngellicalR vs. poetic
    By Provoked Images in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: November 23rd, 2003, 09:38 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •